


A Losing Game

by Jazz_2_chess



Category: DCU
Genre: Batfamily (DCU), Canon-Typical Violence, Character Study, Developing Relationship, Dick Grayson is Nightwing, Dysfunctional Family, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Dates, Getting Together, Hurt/Comfort, Jason Todd is Red Hood, M/M, Misunderstandings, Past Character Death, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Worth Issues, Trauma, Trust Issues, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-16
Updated: 2020-06-13
Packaged: 2021-03-02 21:20:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 50,833
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24223426
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jazz_2_chess/pseuds/Jazz_2_chess
Summary: Jason works alone. That's the deal. He has his own way of getting the job done and execute justice in Gotham when no one else bats an eye. Now, there is a new guy on the block with an agenda too dark for Jason to ignore.But what if there is a chance at a team-up with the bats?Past issues, budding relationships and trauma aside, Jason decides to give it a try.In the end, only one question remains: Is he going to win or lose?
Relationships: Dick Grayson/Jason Todd, Roy Harper & Jason Todd, Tim Drake & Dick Grayson & Jason Todd & Damian Wayne
Comments: 51
Kudos: 178





	1. A Deal with the Devil

> _We all have demons, I just choose to feed mine!_

Roy looked him up and down from where he was perched on the counter like a hawk. Jason had to clamp down on the urge to throw fists. Not at Roy, but at something. Anything. He brimmed with anger.

“Dude. You’ve got to calm down. There’s no use in getting angry.”

“They are selling people!” Maybe the volume was slightly inappropriate considering their close proximity, but Jason didn’t care. In his mind, he saw people get hurt, get killed with him standing by and watching. He had to do something to stop this.

“I’m aware.” Came the answer from the counter. It held a decidedly sarcastic tone.

Sometimes, he hated, how easily Roy could shrug things off. Like they didn’t touch him if he didn’t let them. Jason urged for a way to not let the thought of innocent people getting trafficked get the best of him. He just didn’t know- had, in truth, never really known- how.

“Seriously, man, you gotta breathe.” 

A petulant “no” hovered on Jason’s tongue. He bit back on it.

“If you don’t have your head in the game, you’re screwed. You know it. I know it. The big bad bat knows it. So fucking get your act together, man.”

Jason huffed, continued to pace. He barely resisted when Roy jumped down from the counter and stepped in front of him.

“Listen here. I’m only going to say this once so you better get it into that thick head of yours: Anger makes you stupid. Stupid gets you killed.” When Jason didn’t answer, Roy cleared his throat.

“Got it?” 

Reluctantly, Jason nodded. Roy was right, the bastard. Of course, he was.

“Great. Dinner?” 

“Fuck off.” He didn’t know why he kept doing this, why his gut reaction was to push and shove until the other party was up against the wall. 

“You could have just said no…” Roy mumbled. Jason realised, half-way through that he was lashing out at Roy for nothing.

“Look-”

“No. I get it.” Roy seemed to shrug it off but Jason could see the hunch in his shoulders.

“I hate when it involves kids…” he offered. It was all he could say without giving too much away. 

“I know, man. I’m just- I’m not the enemy here. And I don’t like the idea any better but it’s all we’ve got.”

“You think it’ll work?”

“I sure hope it does.” Jason thought he detected a little bit of worry coming through but that could have easily been his imagination. Ever since the pit he had been seeing things that weren’t really there. He had been better, admittedly, but there was only so much he could do to stop the madness from leaking through.

“You have a plan, right? You’re not just showing up there with no backup and some vague idea of what you’re about to do.”

“Uhm.”

“Jay-”

“I go in. Shoot the bad guys. I go out. It’s not that hard.”

Roy hit him. On the head. With his own fucking pillow.

“Let’s try this again,” he looked at Jason with enough seriousness that Jason backed down from trying to strangle him.

“You need a plan. There are too many blind spots to just go in and shoot everyone,” Roy paused, threw Jason a side-glance that didn’t go unnoticed, “didn’t you promise Dick you were off your killing spree anyway?”

A need to exit through the nearest window, burn his safehouse and disappear for a month made itself known with forceful insistence. His grip on the couch turned vice-like but he kept himself seated, breathing hard through his nose. True, he and Dick were on speaking terms but only because Dick had been the persistent fucker that he had always been and Jason’s resolve had been weak.

Now, Dick called once a week and even hinted at having dinner that one night. Jason had skidded around that dinner for a month before agreeing to next Saturday. Dick’s grinning emoji had almost made him change his mind though.

He didn’t know why he got so defensive with Roy. At this point, it was probably a gut reaction at this point. And his answer, according to this pattern, was “I didn’t promise the guy jackshit!”

Roy rolled his eyes “Sure you didn’t. By the way, when’s the date again?”

“It’s not a date!”

“No. Of course not. Just a random get together with your pseudo brother that you secretly want to screw.”

“Roy, I swear to God-”

“Why are you so defensive about- you know what, scratch that. It’s not important anyway.” Evidently, Jason had now managed to piss off Roy. Great.

“You still need a plan.”

“I know,” he grumbled, reclining back on the couch and staring at the ceiling. Despite what people might think of him, he wasn’t a complete idiot. Most of the time.

“Undercover?” Roy randomly threw out “You’ve always been good at that.”

“No.” He just didn’t think, he could do undercover where kids were involved. 

“Particular reason for that?”

“No.”

“Kay. So, maybe go in as Hood?” 

“Work it from the inside, you mean?” That could work. At least, his helmet would cover the disgust so clearly visible on his face. That would have been a hard one to explain away. 

“Yeah. Like we did with the Tenants.”

“I suppose that could work.”

He sure hoped it did. Because if not, there were kids on the line. And that was something, he could not tolerate. This was his territory.

This was his _city_.

He was not about to let that slide.

* * *

It felt like giving up a part of himself. He had mellowed out a lot after his initial re-joining the living. Sure, he had been the new crime lord in Gotham but this was something entirely different. He didn’t usually have to cower under someone else. Not that he was really cowering but he had to play the part and be convincing.

It felt wrong, offering to work for the guy. Even at his lowest point, Jason had never ever involved kids. He sure had his dark sides but he also had his values. All he had ever wanted was to install justice in Gotham, not corrupt it from the inside. And now, that’s what he was doing. Selling himself to save this godforsaken city, watch in silence as kids were being trafficked.

Breathe, he reminded himself.

He needed to keep his emotions close to his heart. The second the guy realised, just how disgusted Jason was with this whole business, he would be dead. No doubt about it. Sure, the Red Hood still stood for bloodshed but everyone knew by now that he wasn’t a mindless killing machine anymore.

You want in on the deal. You’re a crime lord with power. You want money. He’s in your territory.

You want-

For it to stop. That was what he wanted.

Shit.

_Get a grip._

He forced himself to stop pacing up and down the dock. This had to go over well or the guy would know he had Red Hood against him. It would make security tighter and the ring impossible to crack. Jason had to sell this. Even if it meant selling himself in the process.

Pushing aside his morals, he entered the building. Roy had pulled a lot of strings to get him here. Apparently, the new guy wasn’t all that much into partnering up with anyone. But Jason’s reputation preceded him and opened doors where there weren’t supposed to be any.

“Hood! Welcome!” He instantly took a dislike to this voice. It was grating and entirely unpleasant. Fishy.

“Heard you were short an arms dealer,” Jason said, before shaking the guy’s hand. He looked just the way Jason had imagined him. Black suit, tailored, expensive watch, left handed, sharp eyes, glasses.

“That is right. Please- take a seat.” Jason would have preferred standing- more of an advantage this way- but he complied.

“Nice place, you got here,” he commented while scanning the room. There were three guards, poorly concealed behind an alcove. The walls were white and entirely ordinary. But Jason had no doubt there were cameras installed everywhere.

“That is so very kind of you to say.” Pretentious, placating. Jason took note of every information he could gather from the guy’s demeanour, his speech.

“Now, why don’t we proceed to much more interesting things, shall we?”

“I’m running a- let’s say particular risky business.” Jason nodded, urged him to continue.

“I would like for you to become a part of it. However, I will not tolerate someone else beside me, are we clear?”

“Crystal.”

“Good. I see great potential in this blossoming partnership.”

Yep. Jason was officially done. Why did villains always have to be so extra?

He had thought, after Penguin switching tailors and finally accepting that dark purple and red just didn’t mix, the trend would go to something a little bit more on this side of normal. They really didn’t need another villain with a flair for dramatics. Had enough of those, already, at least in Jason’s opinion.

“Actually. I’ve been wondering with the interior and all. What exactly is your deal?”

“My deal?”

“Yeah, like, what do you go under as?” Jason liked playing it up a bit. Let them think, you’re an idiot. Let them think, they can buy you. Just don’t let them see you looking.

“Ah. Pardon. My bad,” Jason decidedly disliked the guy’s smile. It showed too much teeth.

“The Duke.” 

Oh, for heaven’s sake and all that’s holy. Not another one with a fanatic narcissist complex.

“Has a nice ring to it.” He was lying through his damn teeth.

“I will inform you about the specific instructions.”

You do that, Jason thought. He wanted to get the hell out of here before he did something stupid. Roy’s words rang clearly in his head. Anger did make him stupid. And stupid could get him killed. Since he didn’t particularly feel like reliving that sensation, he bit back on a rude comment about where the Duke could shove his instructions and walked towards the door.

“I really hope this partnership will come into its full fruition, Hood,” the Duke yelled before he could leave.

“But if not, do not think I am a kind man to cross.”

“Noted,” was all Jason had to say to that.

_Fucking noted._

* * *

The night air hit him harder than he would have thought. For a minute, he could see the appeal of Jason’s helmet, apart from it being hot, of course. Sure, Bruce might complain about it but Dick secretly held affections for it. Well, he certainly held more affections for the face underneath it but still. The helmet was a good idea and a great protection against straying bullets.   
Also, and that was important for his current predicament, it was easy to spot.

Which brought him back to the situation at hand, namely: spot Jason on a rooftop. To his utter surprise, Jason had finally agreed to a dinner with him and had promptly gone silent afterwards. No one could reach him; the bats didn’t know his latest whereabouts- much to Bruce’ dismay- and his phone was switched off.

Dick knew what that meant but he wasn’t about to let go of Jason without a fight. He had worked so hard to sneak his way into Jason’s good graces and he wanted that dinner, damn it.

Ever since Jason had eased, Dick had discovered more and more reasons to like him. Not that he hadn’t liked him before but before was something no one wanted to think about. Dick especially.

Then Jason had come back with that rough edge and all that bulk, was suddenly way taller than Dick and so ruggedly handsome, it was actually ridiculous. That he had decided to wear leather jackets and combat boots to skin tight jeans was only part of his charm.

Dick had taken one look at Jason in his new get-up and had known instantly just how deep in trouble he was. If he remembered correctly, his train of thought had been somewhere along the lines of: Oh shit.

And then, the bastard had had the gall to actually become some sort of half-way decent anti-hero. Dick had been gone for him before he had even realised it.

Jason, though, had continued to skid around each and every attempt at a real conversation for about two years. He hadn’t wanted anything to do with the bats and Dick didn’t blame him. Instead, Dick had taken it as a challenge and had given it his best ever since.

He had lost Jason once, he was not about to lose him again. If that meant never having him as a romantic partner that was fine too. He just wanted-

_Ah.  
_

There he was.

That red helmet really shone brighter through the night than the bat signal. Time to make his grand entrance then. Dick smiled to himself. The way Jason was perched, he would not see him coming. Which was an advantage in and of itself, seeing as Jason couldn’t make a run for it so easily if he was surprised.

Dick pulled out all the stops to avoid Jason becoming aware of his presence for even a moment too soon. He was rewarded when Jason made an adorable little sound of surprise before whipping around, guns at the ready and called him an idiot.

* * *

He was sweating like crazy under his helmet. Which would have been a strange sensation if not for the fact that Jason was currently showing Dick the way to his safehouse. And that had made his pulse skyrocket instantly. True, they had agreed on today but Jason had put it off in his mind until Dick- in full Nightwing gear- had shown up in his territory. 

Jason refused to admit how startled he had been when Dick had put a hand on his shoulder. He had evidently been nervous enough not to have realised Dick had even been there. 

“Skittish?” Fuck that grin. Seriously. It was entirely unfair. 

“Didn’t think you’d show,” he said, with a playful undertone that couldn’t quite disguise the hint of truth in it.

“What? After I asked you for dinner for five consecutive weeks, you seriously think I’m going to let you off the hook this easily? Nah. You’re stuck with me for tonight.” It shouldn’t have sounded so lewdly.

But _God_ , it did. Hence, the sweat gathering under Jason’s helmet.

“What’s even the plan?” Jason asked because Dick’s message had only included the invitation but nothing more.

“Dinner?” Dick said with a lopsided grin “you agreed to dinner, right?”

“Not what I meant, Dickhead.”

“Oooh, pet names already?”

“Oh, for fuck’s- can you just-” he wasn’t used to this. Not one bit. But he should have known Dick would be like this. He had seen the guy in action before. The smile, the innuendo, the flirting.

This was prime Dick material. And he was aware just how bad that sounded.

“Do you want to change and go to a restaurant?” No. Actually, Jason really didn’t want that. Too many people, too many things that could go south real quick.

“I can make pasta,” he blurted out before thinking it through. But now that the words were out, he realised, how much he wanted to actually do that.

“Your safehouse then,” Dick nodded, almost appraisingly, before he another look passed his features “If you’re okay with showing me.”

“Like you don’t know where it is already.”

“I don’t…” Dick mumbled, repeating it when Jason asked him to because he hadn’t quite caught it.

“Come on, like you guys don’t keep tabs on my whereabouts.” He was glad Dick couldn’t see his face. 

“We don’t. Actually. So, if you want to show me the way…” Jason needed a moment to process this liberating information. He had lived a long time with the bat’s shadow looming over him. To hear, he was free of it now, made the constriction around his throat loosen a little.

“After you…” Dick gestured for him to go ahead. Jason- still a bit paranoid- looked over his shoulder on the way more than necessary. He typed in his security code, unlocked the door and stepped aside to let Dick in.

“Oooh, I like it. Clean. Simple. Very you,” Dick said upon entering. His eyes swept the living room while he stepped out of his boots. Finally, the mask came off and Jason needed to breathe. He wasn’t prepared for the raw intensity in Dick’s eyes.

“You’re gonna lose the jacket too, Jay?” He was too stunned by Dick’s everything to come up with a witty reply.

Somewhere in his head, though, his brain yelled at him to get a fucking grip because this was ridiculous. 

Before Jason could even contemplate an answer, Dick had already turned around and was now stalking towards his kitchen.

“Hey-” he yelled once he realised that Dick was, in fact, still wearing his suit “you can change. Bathroom’s on the right.”

Dick came sauntering back only to wink at Jason and disappear into said bathroom with a bag slung over his shoulder that Jason hadn’t seen him wear earlier. Must have been too distracted.

When he reappeared in jeans and a deep blue button-up Jason wanted to crawl into a hole and die. Again. Because there was no way he would be able to concentrate on anything but the way the shirt made Dick’s eyes glow a vibrant blue.

“I can see the appeal for your leather jacket, you know? Having to bring a change of clothes on every date gets tiring after a while.”

Jason had heard only one thing in that little speech: “Every date?”

“Not like I have many nowadays…” Dick powered on. Jason didn’t really know what to say to that. Realistically, he knew Dick dated a lot of people but having him say it with such carefree attitude was another thing entirely. He wasn’t the jealous type, but he also didn’t want to be another notch in Dick’s bedpost. Still, he knew bringing that up before they had even eaten anything would be a fauxpas.

Alfred had made sure he had _some_ manners, no matter what some people might have to say about it.

“Pasta.” Okay. Maybe not manners. He was nervous, damn it. Cut him some slack.

“Want me to help?”

“God no. I’ve seen you attempting to cook, remember? You just sit there and look pretty.” As soon as the words were out of his mouth, he wanted to hit himself. He was about to apologise, when Dick chuckled, sat down and said “I can do that, Jay. As long as it doesn’t distract you so much, you set the kitchen on fire. Wouldn’t want you to have to explain all of that to the fire department.”

That being Jason’s arsenal of weapons, devices, sledgehammer and so on, all displayed proudly on the kitchen table.

Which, in hindsight, he should have stored before inviting Dick over. His only defence was that he really didn’t think Dick would show, so, to spite the voice in his head, he had left out his stuff. It actively went against his urge to keep the apartment clean and tidy, but he had been so adamant not to clean up for Dick that he had left it.

“So, I don’t mean to pry or anything but I was wondering…” Dick trailed off. Jason was currently cutting onions and trying hard not to let his eyes water, but the question made him look up.

“Hm?”

“Why did you accept?” 

“Accept what?” Jason asked back, just to get himself some time to answer. 

“Dinner.”

The pause that followed was awkward to say the least. Jason hadn’t exactly prepared for an interrogation.

“I-” He was so tempted to give a half-assed answer, but, knowing Dick, he would probably regret that a lot.

So, he tried for the truth “I wanted to.”

“But you didn’t before.”

“That’s-” he cleared his throat “not exactly, you know, true…”

“No?”

“No.”

“Then why-”

“I just don’t do this, Dick.” He couldn’t help the harsh tone. It was just that he really didn’t like talking about this stuff. 

“Do what?”

“Dinner invitations.” Everything inside of him had rebelled against using the word “date”.

“Oh,” Dick seemed taken aback by that, even though Jason didn’t know why. All the bats knew that he didn’t make a habit of having social contacts.

“Sooooo, what makes me special?” He accompanied the question with a wink that looked completely ridiculous but managed to ease some of the tension between them. 

“Nothing, Big Bird. I just thought, I’d give it a try.”

Lie. Lie. Lie. Lie, Jason’s brain screamed at him.

That was absolutely not true. Like, at all. He had always found Dick attractive and after coming back to life and seeing him in take down bad guys with that hideous high kick, Jason had been a goner. Sure, it had always been admiration from afar and Dick could be an annoying menace when he wanted to be. But Jason had actually come to like the idiot and that scared him more than any physical attraction ever could.

Accepting that invitation to dinner hadn’t been easy or spontaneous, but he needed Dick to think that to keep up his charade of nonchalance.  
When Dick fixed him with a glance that had way too much sparkle in it than it should have, Jason suspected, he hadn’t been as successful in playing it easy as he would have liked.

“I’m glad,” Dick said softly, a small smile on his lips. And Jason was about to _melt_.

He huffed, turned to the sink.

“Why, Dickie, that sounds awfully sentimental.” He rinsed the cutting board, the smell of onions finally rid of his nostrils. Just when he was drying it down, Dick stepped up behind him. Jason could feel the heat radiating off of him.

“You need to tell me, Jay…” Dick breathed into his ear “I know, you don’t like talking feelings but you have to tell me what’s the goal here.”

Jason, almost bursting with nerves from the inside, found himself completely mute. It didn’t seem to put Dick off, he just continued talking.

“Was it just so that I’d stop asking? Do you want dinner? Do you want _more_?”

More. Jason’s heart did a double take at that. _More_. Yes, that. He wanted that. 

“Can you-” he squeaked, cleared his throat, “step back?” Dick’s proximity didn’t help him gather his thoughts. 

“Why? Am I _distracting_ you?” He heard the grin plainly in Dick’s voice. 

“No.” Yes. 

“Then tell me, Jay.” The lewd tone was back but it had an undertone too, something unsure, careful perhaps. 

“Why?” His breath was but a whisper. 

“Because I need to know.”

“Why?” He asked again, painfully aware of the slight desperation in his voice.

“Because I want to know if we’re on the same page here.”

“I don’t know what page you’re on, Goldie…” he managed to snap “but I just want to have a decent dinner, that’s it.”

For fuck’s sake, did he have to sabotage himself at every turn?

But Dick, for some reason, didn’t take the bait, didn’t fall for his air of impatience.

“I want you, Jay. Maybe I haven’t made myself clear before…”

He hadn’t. At least, in Jason’s opinion. Would he have understood Dick’s advances sooner, had they been a bit clearer? Jason himself couldn’t say. He wasn’t good with social clues. Not if they were directed at him. Roy would probably say this was due to his constant need to self-belittle, but what did Roy know anyway?

“Nothing to say to that?” Dick chuckled but it wasn’t a happy sound. He stepped back then, deliberately and with purpose. Jason, though, was still caught in his own head.

“Okay. Look, I won’t harass you into giving this a try. You agreed to dinner tonight. We can keep doing that and it doesn’t have to mean anything. I won’t-” he breathed in shakily, the first real sign that this was unnerving him too “I won’t pressure you into anything. I just want- I want to spend time with you, okay? Not just on patrol or once a month when you show up for Alfie’s casserole.”

Jason’s mind instantly flew to the casserole. It was a good casserole. The best. Worth all the trouble of interacting with the bats without his weapons to balance out Bruce.

Something more important poked at his consciousness then. Something that Dick had said while he was silently panicking.

“Wait-”

“No, I mean it. I don’t want to overstep your boundaries.”

“You’re not!” Well, he had been. Jason wasn’t comfortable with body contact, but it was Dick and he liked having Dick close. But that wasn’t the point. 

“You’re not, okay?” it cost him quite some courage to say what he was about to say “You have to understand, Dick. I don’t do this.”

He waited for the words to truly sink and saw the precise moment that they did.

“At all?”

“At all,” he confirmed.

“But- is it something you’d want to…” Dick was evidently fishing for words and it showed “try?”

He almost laughed at that.

“I’m making you dinner, aren’t I?”

Dick nodded like that was all he had needed. Then, the patented golden boy grin was plastered on his face again and Jason breathed a sigh of relief. That grin usually meant that serious talk was over.

* * *

The pasta was actually quite good. Jason was- well not satisfied- okay with how it turned out. He had just finished up washing the dishes when he heard more than saw movement on his left side. The plates were quickly put away before he turned to see why Dick was fidgeting. He had stood up and was now coming towards Jason with determination etched into every line on his face.

Jason barely had time to analyse what was going on, before Dick stepped closer, too close actually. He had a glint in his eyes that Jason recognised. He had seen it before when Dick had swung from a trapeze the first time they had ever trained together.

It was a dangerous look, Dick’s most dangerous one, in fact.

Jason barely had time to react to his close proximity, when Dick placed a kiss on his lips. He reeled back, stared down at Dick, who looked nonchalant at the surface but there was something else underneath too, something that resonated with Jason. For just a moment, they were caught in limbo, neither moving away nor towards each other.

Then time sped up again and Jason’s instinct overruled his brain. He pulled Dick in and crashed their lips together, hard enough to taste blood. His head went into overdrive at the taste.

“Easy Jay, easy- wait- you’re- _stop_! You’re hurting me!” Dick chuckled softly like it wasn’t a big deal. As if he had anticipated Jason would react the way he did.

Jason hated being predictable like that. Even if- or maybe because- he evidently was.

“Sorry,” he huffed and let go of Dick entirely, prepared to step back and crawl into a hole. He should have known-

But Dick shook his head, hand reaching for him.

“No- it’s okay, just, maybe, a bit more gently?”

_Gently._

He could do that.

Right? 

Dick leaned in again, this time deliberately slow as if to give Jason time to move away. His hands came up on either side of Jason’s face. He felt Dick’s breath wash over him just before their lips met.

Five different sensations exploded in Jason’s head. He was torn between them, caught up in each and unable to focus. His hands clamped around Dick’s waist, wanting- needing him to get closer. Dick chuckled again, hands covering Jason’s to move them to his hips. Jason’s fingers ghosted over sharp hipbones, looped around Dick’s belt. He heard Dick’s breath hitch when he scratched his side.

“Fuck, _Little Wing_ …”

Something in Jason keened at hearing Dick moan his nickname. It catapulted him back to each time Dick had said it, had taunted him with it, had exuded his power when Jason had been too young to push back. But now that he could, he didn’t want to. Not when Dick said his name with such adoration, such passion.

He longed to hear it again.

“Let me?” Dick breathed against his lips, hands unbuckling his jeans and then dropping lower. Jason had barely a second to process all that was happening. His instinct kicked in though, and he gripped Dick’s hand before it could do anything else. 

Dick made a sound of protest and wrenched his hands free. 

“Dick-” Jason, attempting to stop Dick from stripping him down, stepped back.

“I want you so much…” Dick’s eyes had that slightly crazy gleam now and Jason, in his gut, knew he had to put a stop to this now. He would be lying if he said that Dick saying those words to him didn’t hit him right in the core. Still. 

“Dick, stop.”

And to his credit, he did. It was like watching him sober up in the span of a second.

“What’s wrong?” Damn him and his too observant nature. Of course, Dick had caught on. How couldn’t he. Not that Jason was being particularly subtle. 

“I haven’t-” Not for a long time and even then, it hadn’t been anything like this. Understanding dawned on Dick’s face, followed by an emotion a lot less reassuring. 

“Want me to show you?”

“NO!” Jason stumbled back so hard, he almost fell over, “No, I- just- slow?” 

“Slow?” Dick grinned, bringing out all the stops. Jason had often thought to himself that this smile could cause war if Dick wanted it to.

“I can do slow, Little Wing…” This was dangerous territory, Jason realised. He had to bite down on the urge to fit his body against Dick’s again. 

“Not like that!” he snapped, a little aggravated with the situation. 

It seemed, Dick slowly clued in to how uncomfortable Jason really was.

“Oh,” he instantly looked sheepish, scratched his head, “I can- sorry- I didn’t mean…”

“No- I- it’s okay.” God, why did they both sound so goddamn awkward? For fuck’s sake their quips had made headlines more than once in the Gotham Gazette. How were they so painfully pathetic now? 

Jason had never imagined their getting together like this. And- deep down, he admitted to himself- he had imagined quite a few scenarios.

But never awkward. Their banter, their riling each other up and then clashing in a heat wave, that was what he had thought about. It had never been a case of treading water. Not with Dick.

Sure, with Tim, or even the demon spawn or Bruce. But not Dick.

It unsettled him, made him uncertain on how to proceed. 

“You- talk?”

Jason only nodded, not trusting himself to actually open his mouth and say something. God only knew what could come out if he tried.

“You said, you don’t date but you want to try…” Dick left the sentence hanging in the air, probably to give Jason the chance to cut in if he said anything wrong. Dick sat down on his couch, legs crossed in that weird lotus-position he liked to do. Jason felt a little uneasy sitting down beside him.

“So, how would you want- I mean- how do you want to do this?”

“I don’t know,” he admitted. Because he really didn’t. He had no idea how this was supposed to work, if they even had a chance.

“Okay, uhm, how about going on dates. Would you want that?”

His first instinct was to vehemently deny. Leaving the safety of his apartment with Dick in tow, having the world judge them, watching Dick be ogled and flirted with. No thank you. He realised, however, he had to meet Dick half-way here. 

“I want to see you,” he managed to say between clenched teeth. Dick chuckled but it didn’t sound mean, maybe amused.

“I think that can be arranged, Jay,” Dick’s smile reached his eyes now and Jason decided, he really liked that. He even allowed himself to relax a little against the cushions.

“Do you want to see me here or would you maybe want to go to a restaurant or the cinema or something?”

“I-” He had been about to say yes, even though that was not something he actively wanted, when Dick shot forward on the couch and stopped him.

“No. Forget I said anything. We’re not doing that.”

“What?” Now he was officially confused. 

“You looked like you were about to pass out. So, no, we’re not doing that.” He blanched. Since when could Dick read him like that? He was supposed to be better at concealing his emotions.

“But-”

“No. I don’t need to parade you around town. Staying in is fine.” He could tell that Dick was only partly being truthful here. He knew how much Dick liked parading conquests around. He also knew, Dick was a people pleaser at heart. Seemed like those two sides of him had battled it out and the people pleaser had won.

“I just-” if this was going to work, they needed to compromise, so, against his better judgement, Jason decided on full disclosure.

“I think, I just need a bit more… time…” 

“Oh,” now Dick was back to smiling “We can do that. That’s great.”

“Is it?”

“Yeah. I can’t wait to show you that new restaurant. They have those amazing burgers and…” Jason felt himself drifting, but in a pleasant way. He liked when Dick talked. Most of the time anyway. At least, if it wasn’t anything business related. Then, Dick could be really annoying. 

Suddenly, while he was still fascinated by Dick’s megawatt smile that only got brighter the longer he talked about things he liked, a phone rang. Jason immediately realised that it wasn’t one of his but only because the ringtone was something so obnoxious only Dick would come up with it.

Dick took one look at the display and his whole demeanour shifted. Dick Grayson had vanished from his couch. Now, Nightwing was sitting on it, posture stiff, eyes narrowed, limbs unnaturally motionless but oh so deadly. It was impressive. Jason often wondered if he did that too, if all the bats were like that because he had seen Bruce and Tim do the same. The demon spawn not so much but that may be because he was always in assassin-mode and one second away from drawing swords anyway.

“I have to go,” Dick said after hanging up. His smile had disappeared completely, exchanged for something a bit harsher.

“What’s wrong?” Jason asked, for some reason afraid Bruce might have gotten wind of what they were doing. He was sure the bat wouldn’t approve of Jason corrupting his golden boy.

“New case,” was Dick’s clipped answer. Jason was about to lead him to the door, when Dick stopped him with a hand on his arm.

“Actually-” he looked contemplative and Jason didn’t know if he like where this could go.

“Bruce and Tim have been working a lot lately and by chance- I swear, they weren’t rummaging through your territory- anyway, they found this container at the docks…” Jason suddenly had a moment of enlightenment, a split second before Dick said the words.

“There were kids locked up in it.”

 _Fuck_. He had hoped- prayed- the bats wouldn’t get wind of this. He didn’t want them fucking up his plan.

“We could team up.”

“What,” he said without any inflection. In his brain, about three different exit strategies played on a loop; he just had to pick one and execute it.

“Team up.” 

“I heard you.”

“So, you don’t want to?”

“You know, I don’t want to get involved with…” he trailed off, hand gesture expressing excessively what he thought about that idea.

“With us,” Dick finished for him. There might have been a disappointed note in his voice that Jason fought hard to ignore. 

“Do you really think that’d be a good idea?”

“Yes.”

“How? Every time I work with you, I piss someone off.” Or someone pissed him off. At this point, chances were probably 50 / 50. 

“Jason.”

“Don’t treat me like a child.” Now his good mood had dissipated completely.

“I’m not. I’m just saying we’d have a shot. If you-”

“If I what?”

“Bruce just told me that there’s going to be a- a party of sorts.” Dick’s crooked smile didn’t really reassure him. 

“A party.” Surely, he had heard wrong. The Duke hadn’t told him anything about a party. But then again, he was only concerned with the arms side of the deal. Parties didn’t fall into his line of work. Not that he could show up with his helmet firmly plastered to his face. 

“Yeah, like where they scout potential clients- buyers, you know?” No, he hadn’t known. But he did now. And it pissed him off. Buyers for kids. Fuck this guy.

“You want to go undercover.” That much was obvious. 

“Yep.”

“With me.” Also, obvious, but Jason still had to make sure. 

“Yes.”

“Why on earth would you want to do that?” There was literally no reason. None. Zero. Whatsoever, why he would be involved. Or why Dick would sound excited to go undercover with him.

“Maybe, I just want to see you in a tux?” Jason scoffed at that. Leave it to Dick, to make such a comment. 

“Try again.”

“Fine. Tim’s out of commission. Dami’s too young. And hell will freeze over before I go undercover as B’s date.”

Fair point.

“I’m not saying yes,” he warned Dick.

“Not saying no either.” That comment, Jason simply ignored.

“Let’s say, just for the sake of the argument, I would agree. What do you think that’d accomplish?”

“We could go in as potential clients. Look around, get intel.”

“And I’d have to be your date, why?”

“Because I want you to.”

That- well, that took the wind out of his sails pretty quickly. 

“What about Bruce?”

“What about him?” 

“What are you going to tell him?”

“That we’re working the case and going in undercover.”

“And he’ll buy that?”

“I don’t care.”

 _“I_ do.”

“We’ll just have to sell it then.”

“How do you suppose we do that?”

“You figure it out.”

“Why me?”

“Because I don’t care what Bruce has to say about this either way. I date who I wanna date. That’s none of his business.”

“Date?”

“Is that not what we’re doing?”

“Uhm.” He realised then that this evening was certainly not his peak of elaborate speeches.

Dick chuckled at his inability to produce a coherent answer. 

“Anyway. You should come over so we can put together a plan. I don’t want to go in blind.”

While Jason agreed with that, he was also high key concerned about everything that could and- knowing his luck- would go wrong. If he were to go through with it, he could either get some real information or blow his cover and get beheaded. Great.

Briefly, just for one second, he contemplated telling Dick, he already had a hand in it. He was about to open his mouth, when a memory overwhelmed him. He had worked with Penguin that time, to take over the docks and stop a new drug from being distributed.

People had died. A lot of them.

And Dick had been the one to find him afterwards. That look of utter disgust that had flashed over those handsome features had made Jason physically recoil from him. Dick, and the other bats, had told him not to do it again, that working with criminals was not an option. Jason understood their standpoint. He also knew that some bad guys could only be taken down from the inside.

Like this one. He had seen what that guy was capable of first hand.

And if he told Dick, he was working with a guy who was selling kids…

He shook his head, hoping to shake off the feeling of failure too.

“Yeah, so, when’s the party?” he asked against the clog in his throat. Dick looked at him funny, but otherwise didn’t comment.

“Sunday.”

“Are you kidding? Three days that’s all?” He had to ready himself, goddamn it. Was he supposed to just waltz in there with no preparation? 

“Bruce just now managed to get an invitation… with a plus one, of course.” Of course. Typical Bruce. Getting an invite to a party where people sold children.

Just an everyday occurrence, nothing suspicious to see here. 

“Great.”

“Look,” Dick sighed “I’m not keen on it either. But if there’s something we can do to stop this madness from happening, I’m going to do it. And you don’t have to join me. It’s just-” he breathed in. Jason recognised it as Dick trying to calm himself.

“I would feel better if you were with me.”

That was one hell of a confession to make. It left Jason slightly breathless.

“Kay.” He agreed without giving it a thorough thought. Felt like a head dive into a pool full of sharks, but what have you. He couldn’t say no to Dick anyway. 

“Yeah?” Damn that hopeful smile. Actually, damn all of Dick.

“Yes.” Jason praying that he hadn’t just signed his own death sentence, was alerted by the beeping of his own phone. He glanced at the display, thinking it’d be Roy being his nosey self. But the text wasn’t from Roy. It was from an unknown number. And the message was pretty clear.

_Tomorrow 6.50h. Piece of advice, the Duke doesn’t like people cooperating with the bats._

* * *

Jason didn’t hate many things. Dislike, sure. But hate, not so much.

This though, having to crawl under the foot of a new crime boss, this was something he loathed beyond words. And to think that this asshole dealt with kids, apart from other things, didn’t make the situation any better.

He had to stop and breathe for a minute, to calm his nerves. If he stepped into this seedy den of monstrosities without his head screwed on straight, he would blow the deal before it even was one.

“Hood! How good of you to finally join us,” Yeah put snippy sarcasm on the list of things Jason wasn’t fond of. At least if it came from someone who called himself the Duke.

“Word has it, the bats are getting involved. And you know what we think of anything bat…”

Probably just as much as any other batshit crazy villain new to Gotham did. There was something to say about their rogue gallery and their relationship with the bats had its perks from time to time. Ed had been helpful on a few memorable occasions, Penguin could be coerced into assistance most of the times and the Sirens were their own brand of complicated.

But new villains, Jason couldn’t really get on board with. They didn’t know Gotham like he did, didn’t understand there was a code of demeanour that included interactions with the bats. One didn’t just barge into bat territory without respect.

That wasn’t done. And it never ended well for any new villain. Not that Jason was too upset about that. If he played his cards right, this asshole would be behind bars sooner rather than later. He couldn’t wait to get a kick in that stupid face.

He barely bit back on a scoff in time. Dealing with kids, really? 

The thought of sending the guy to prison placated him a little. The asshole wouldn’t last a day in a cell with literally anyone else.

You just don’t deal with kids.

That was the law.

“You know, I’ve heard some rumours, Hood. But I’m sure, there’s a perfectly simple explanation.”

He kept his stance relaxed, grateful for his helmet that covered his face. Not that the Duke would be able to read anything in it, Bruce had trained all of his sidekicks well after all.

“A little birdy told me, you and Nightwing were on good terms. Speaking terms even.”

Really? Jason rolled his eyes. Who even said that anymore.

Then, the meaning of the words sunk in. And his brain screeched to a halt. 

No.

No, no, no, no. 

_Shit._

That was not part of the plan. They shouldn’t know that. Sure, the text message had been hinting at something bad but not this. Please, not this. 

“Business!” he bit out, hoping to convey anger about being questioned and not the sheer panic that was unfolding in his mind “He was in my part of the city.”

“And you didn’t put a bullet through his head?” There was barely disguised sarcasm in the Duke’s voice. Jason ignored in favour of thinking about anything that would get him the fuck out of this situation. 

“Do I look like an idiot? You think I’d be stupid enough to shoot a bat? In my own territory?” He scoffed for good measure even though the idea made his stomach rebel.

“Fair enough,” the Duke relaxed back against the chair “But you realise, I can’t tolerate fraternising with the enemy.”

Jason had to physically stop himself from running. The guy likely just had used really bad phrasing because otherwise that would mean, they knew Dick and he had-

“What do you want me to do? I’m not shooting bats on your behalf. Actually, scratch that. I’m not shooting bats at all. If you piss one off, there are three more to rip you to pieces. And I don’t know about you but I’m rather fond of living.”

“Relax. I’m not ordering you to shoot them.” You better not, Jason thought to himself. Because things were about to get really ugly if this idiot thought he could actually order Jason to do anything. He didn’t take orders. Not from the Duke and not from anyone else.

“But I do want you to keep an eye on them. If you’re really that close to Nightwing-”

Jason had a quick thought of: Oh, you have no idea, buddy.

“Surely, you can get some useful intel from him.”

“Intel.” What intel? For fuck’s sake as far as Jason could tell, the bats didn’t even have one solid leg to stand on, let alone a case. They stumbled over a container because someone on the Duke’s team had evidently been a fucking slob. Not that Jason was about to share any of this. Still, he felt he needed to re-iterate, if only in his head. The guy sure was paranoid if he was getting antsy now without the bats even putting in real effort. If that was how he behaved under pressure, he one would be as hard to crack as a banana. 

“Yes. It wouldn’t do to have a swarm of bats ruin my business, now, would it?” 

No, it wouldn’t, but Jason wasn’t about to agree. He was not that easy a prey.

“If you manage to convince me that you’re truly on my side, you’ll be rewarded.” Sure. Anything else while they were at it? Catch the wind, make pigs fly? The list was endless.

“Convince you?”

“Yes. You see…” he paused. Jason realised, it was for dramatic effect.

“There will come a time you’ll have to choose. Don’t forget who you are working for. And if I find out that you’re using your connections to the bats to go against me- well, let’s say, it will not be pleasant. And we don’t want that, do we?” 

What was it with this guy and his rhetorical questions? 

“Ya’ know,” Jason put on his Gotham drawl much stronger “I don’t appreciate mistrust among partners.”

“It’s up to you to earn my trust.”

Jason’s finger itched to pull out his gun and improve the wall décor with a little splattered brain.

“What do you want?”

“Nothing, at the moment.”

How reassuring. This was like pulling teeth and Jason had never been fond of dentists. Sadists, the bunch of them.

“S’ that it?” He aimed for nonchalant and hoped it came across as such. 

“Not quite.”

Of course not. Those villains loved to hear themselves talk after all.

“I’m having a little party on Sunday, as I’m sure you’ve heard,” Jason, once more felt a sharp twinge of worry. Maybe the Duke did know more about his relationship with Dick than he led on.

“I won’t be in need of your services but I expect you to comb through the guest list.”

“Don’t trust your own clients either?” 

“I do, actually. But those are not clients yet.”

“Email’s a thing, dude,” Jason bit out, hating having to be here more with every minute that he couldn’t leave.

“I’m aware,” he gestured for Jason to step away “that’d be all.”

“Oh and Hood-” Jason turned, but only half-way, signalling what exactly he thought of this whole affair.

“Do be more careful. There are a lot of eyes out there.” 

The warning rang through loud and clear.

He was being watched.

Great.   
  


* * *

“I fucking hate bats!” he spat out the second his foot crossed the threshold. 

“Date that bad?” Jason prided himself on the fact that he did not jump out of his skin when he heard Roy answer something that Jason had yelled into his presumably empty apartment. He also didn’t ask just why Roy was here.

There was no sense in it. Roy came and went as he pleased. 

“NO!” It hadn’t been. At least not until Dick had decided talking business was a great idea and had promptly caused Jason’s heart to throw itself into a heart attack. Add that to the rollercoaster ride that had been the conversation with the Duke and you got the picture pretty clearly.

“Then what’s crawled up your ass?” Roy’s lips ticked up “Wrong choice of words, sorry.”

“They’re on the case!”

“What?”

“The fucking bats are on the case and I can’t tell them that I’ve got a hand in it already because that would mean blowing my damn cover. Dick wants me to go to a party I had no idea was a thing as his pretend but not so much pretend date to get intel and pose as potential clients. The Duke already fucking knows I have a standing connection to Nightwing, so now, _he_ wants me to get _him_ intel on the bats to prove my damn loyalty.”

“Shit.”

“You can fucking say that again!”

“No way to let the bats know they’re being watched without giving it away?”

“It look like it to you? Because if so, feel free to let me know! As far as I know, that shithead already has all of my safehouses wired. Fuck.”

“You’ll have to double parts for a while then.”

“Yeah, and once they find out I screwed them over, it’ll be my head on the goddamn chopping block.”

“Which one are we talkin’ about? Bats or baddies?”

“Does it matter?”

“Guess not,” Roy crossed his arms over his chest, stared at the door, “Maybe Red Robin figures it out in time? Heard he’s a pretty smart cookie.”  
Jason scoffed. 

“That won’t help them. He’s an insomniac working his own ass into the ground to fight crime on one side and Wayne enterprises on the other. I don’t see him coming through with a revelation any time soon.”

“Where does he keep getting those kids from?” Roy wondered out loud. He realised just what he had said when Jason growled beside him.

“Those kids?” Something about that didn’t sit right with him. Those kids. Like they all were the same- damaged somehow. 

“Didn’t mean it like that, Jay…” And because anger was always a safe retreat, Jason bit back just as hard as the words had hit him.

“Could’ve fooled me, asshole.”

“Look. Can we just leave the insults for now and come up with an actual plan on how you avoid getting killed by either of your co-workers?”

“Co-workers?” He felt a headache coming. The one that always seemed to come on, whenever Roy talked for too long. 

“Could have said brother you’re banging, if you prefer.”

“I swear to God- if you don’t stop-”

Roy held up his hands defensively. The grin that had appeared on his lips a minute ago had vanished by now.

“Cheap shot. Sorry.”

But Jason was beyond hearing it. A thought had occurred to him, while engaging in banter. And it wasn’t one he wanted to even entertain.

“What’s wrong?”

“What?”

“You were gone there for a second. Had that vacant look you sometimes get. It’s-” he glanced at Jason, looking like someone that didn’t know how much to reveal “it’s creeping me out, dude.”  
Jason wasn’t ready to share with Roy that, in his mind, Bruce’ face had popped up, lit with the realisation that Jason had screwed them over. His stomach instantly revolted.

He lurched a few times, trying his best to refrain from vomiting. Out of his peripheral, he saw Roy watching him with a concerned expression.

“What do you think will happen… you know, if they find out?”

“Well, B is gonna rip me a new one that’s for sure.” He tried making light of the situation but in his head, a multitude of memories were playing on a loop. Every time Bruce’ disappointed scowl had been directed at him came crawling back to his conscious now.

“Do you think, they’ll believe you?”

“What do you mean?”

“Once you tell them that it’s just a ruse, that you’re not really working with them.”

“Sure. They know I wouldn’t do that. I don’t work with kids.”

“What if they don’t?” 

“What?”

“If they don’t believe you, what then?”

“I don’t- what are you on about?”

“I just want to make sure you can…” but Roy trailed off, suddenly red in the face and very silent. Too silent for Jason’s taste. 

“What? That I can what, Roy?” 

“Handle it. The possibility that they might not- I’m not sure you can handle it,” Jason’s mouth fell open, his eyes bulged “and I don’t want- if that happens what will it do to you…”

“It won’t do anything to me! If they’re stupid enough to believe that then so be it! Not like I care!”

“Jason-” He detected a hint of pity.

And the conversation was over.

He shoved at Roy, suddenly and with immense force, so that he was out of the door before he could say anything else. Once the yelling from the other side had stopped, Jason leaned against the wall, breathing hard.

They would believe him.

Right? 

They knew, he would never do a deal with kids.

He wasn’t a monster.

They knew that.

He wanted to believe it so badly. That he had worked on himself enough to prove, he wasn’t that bad anymore, that he had a handle on the pit and his anger under control. He wanted to be sure that they knew him well enough by now. 

They had to know, he would never stoop this low, that he had limits and this case was crossing them by a mile. He just needed to do this, to pretend, so that he could destroy them. There was no other way than to pretend. But the bats- they would believe him that it was just pretend, that it wasn’t real.

A small in his voice reminded him just why he couldn’t bring himself to admit he was working with the Duke. Why he had lied to Dick, omitted that one little detail in their conversation.

Because maybe, just maybe, his own stomach rebelled just as strongly when thinking of the things he would have to do while working for the Duke. Was justice worth this much? He was the only one who would go to this length to get the job done.

The bats were too clean, too integer. That’s why he had taken on the Hood after all, to reach the part of the system the bats couldn’t. But actually working with someone as vile as the Duke, having to shut his mouth and witness children being harmed, even just for a while, made his skin crawl. Convincing the bats that the only reason for his working with the guy was to destroy him, would be hard, he knew that.

Too many mishaps had happened, too many heads had rolled already. But he held onto hope they would believe him, with everything he had.

They had to be aware that someone with his background, his upbringing, would never ever do that to kids, not even when working under someone else.

They knew that, Jason tried to convince himself.

They knew. 

_Didn’t they?_

* * *

Sunday came way too fast. Jason had tried to prepare himself for the ordeal but hadn’t had much help. Roy had come by once more, despite their last brawl. Jason thought back to it, while putting together a duffle bag he would take to the batcave.

“I can always call it off,” Roy had said, pacing through Jason’s living room. The Duke had informed him that he had no problem with Roy being there and Jason, despite not wanting to, was relieved. At least, he was allowed one confidante.

“Nah. I’m good.”

“You sure? The minute I go in, I won’t answer any calls.” Roy had been about to go on a mission of his own, out of town and would be off the radar for at least two weeks. If something happened, Jason couldn’t rely on him. That was okay, Jason smiled to himself, hands full of two grenades and some cords. He didn’t need Roy to babysit. His mission was just as important and

Jason was a big guy. He could take care of himself. 

“I know,” he had said, against the pull in his stomach. 

“Don’t get killed, alright?” Roy had tried to ruffle his hair but Jason had made a motion, imitating certain castration, so Roy had stepped back with a chuckle.

“If I come back to find you dead, I’ll never let you hear the end of it.”

“Same goes to you.” But Roy had shaken his head, a worried expression on his face. 

“I’m serious.”

“I can take care of myself.” Jason had snapped. He didn’t take kindly to being underestimated. 

“This is different. It’s- I can feel something’s off.”

“You’re paranoid.”

“You’re playing both sides. That has never ever ended well for anyone involved. I don’t want…” he had trailed off, had turned away.

“You don’t want what?” Jason’s tone had become more and more agitated. 

“I don’t want you to come out like last time!”

“That was different.” It had been. They were working together now. Equal playing field.

“Was it? I know, why you want it to work with them. I understand that. But- they’re the bats and you have stayed away from them for a reason, Jay.”

“It’s different this time. Dick wanted me to work with them!” He remembered how desperately he had said it.

“Dick is still a bat!”

“So what?”

“Do you want to rely on him to back you up when Batman turns on you again?”

“I’m not relying on anyone.” Jason had never and would never rely on anyone but him ever again. He had learned his lesson the first time. 

“I just want you to be careful.” That had hit deep. Not like hurt, but something just as painful. 

“I am careful.” 

“Okay. That’s all I ask.”

“Okay.”

He fiddled with his suit. Dick had insisted, he put it on in the manor and not at home. Jason would indulge him this once. The fabric felt strange under his fingers. He didn’t like not having Roy around. There was some sort of safety there that was now missing. Roy had been right. He was unsure about working with the bats.

Their history was too troubled, their relationships too muddled. But there was strength in numbers. And if Jason had to be honest, he would admit that having the bats work his case too, was reassuring. He wasn’t alone in this. There was backup. He didn’t have to put his life on the line all by himself. Dick would be right beside him. He liked the thought more than he should have. He refused to believe this was a chance to redeem himself in Bruce’ eyes.

But maybe, just maybe, Dick would stop looking at him like he was still caught in the pit haze. Even on their date, Jason had seen the second of hesitation, the undecidedness in Dick’s gaze. Oh, Jason had no doubt, Dick wanted him. For the moment. Because he was the estranged anti-hero, dangerous and rough around the edges. Dick liked a challenge, had always liked impossible people.

But there had been something else too. Something a lot darker than Dick had probably been aware of himself. Jason couldn’t put a finger on it. But Dick hadn’t kissed him like he had imagined Dick kissing anyone.

It worried him.

Not for himself, that was a lost cause. But for Dick. Because his light, the light of Nightwing, had been dulled down that night and Jason didn’t ever want to see that again. Dick was who gave the others hope, the one with the bright smile and the kind words. If Dick fell, they would all fall. And Jason wasn’t sure, Gotham could take that.

He wished, though, deep down, that Dick truly meant what he had said. That he wanted more, that he wanted Jason.

Even though it seemed impossible for someone so pure to want someone like him.

He shook his head, effectively shaking off the unpleasant thoughts as well.

* * *

He straddled his bike, hit the gas. This time, things were different. The helmet felt like armour, the bag like a shield.

A party was different than a shootout. His tux wasn’t his suit.

The closer he came to the manor, the more nervous he was. 

This was only the battle, he reminded himself, not the war. 

_Only the battle…_


	2. A Pair of Jacks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is gonna hurt, just so that you're aware. 
> 
> Feel free to yell at me in the comments. 
> 
> Otherwise, I hope, you like the update.

> _ I love you as certain dark things are to be loved. In secret. Between the shadow and the soul. _

The manor came into view with its grandeur that Jason hadn’t missed. In his opinion, that house was simply too big. No one needed that many rooms. No one. Not even the bat clan.

He decided to go in through the cave and not ring the doorbell. He was here to do a job and not pay a visit after all. The replacement opened the door for him, looking worn out and more haggard than usual.

Did Bruce not look after him enough?

Had Jason really just thought that?

Apparently.

He parked his bike and took off the helmet before turning to the kid. Jesus, no wonder, Dick had said, he was out of commission.

“What got you?”

“Hm?” Tim needed a minute to focus, further cementing Jason’s suspicion that there was something severely wrong. 

“Oh, you mean that…” he gestured to the paleness of his skin that was even more pronounced than usual.

“Got hit by a dose of hallucinogens.”

“Ivy?” 

“Ha. If only. We would have had something for that.”

“Who then?”

“Crane.” Jason hadn’t known, Crane was back out there. 

“Shit.” he could vividly imagine just what Tim might be hallucinating about. 

“Yep. Should have flushed out of my system two days ago but I’m still…” his gaze unfocussed again, eyes going glassy. Jason was fairly sure, Tim was seeing things that weren’t there.

“Tim!” he barked at him just so that he would snap out of it.

“Sorry,” Tim breathed in, hands shaking “I’m still seeing things.”

“What things?” Jason probably didn’t have the right to ask him, but he wanted to know. Tim wasn’t looking too good and somewhere – very deep down – it bothered him.

Tim shuffled around a bit, head down in a way Jason had never quite seen him. 

“You.”

“What?”

“You and- and the demon brat.” They both smiled at the nickname, an insider between the two of them.

Jason made an educated guess “You’re seeing the fights?”

“Yeah. Over and over again. On a loop.”

“Tim-” That one still nagged at him. They had talked it out on multiple occasions already, but the fact remained Jason knew why he had done it and Tim understood that.

“Don’t apologise,” Tim held up a hand, “it wasn’t my best day either.”

“Ah, don’t know about that, baby bird,” Jason reached out slowly to give Tim time to move away, before ruffling his hair. At least Tim would always be a head shorter than him.

“You fought back pretty hard.”

That made Tim chuckle. Jason was- well, not proud but maybe relieved. 

“Didn’t exactly leave me a choice…” Jason smirked at him, nodded. 

“You gonna be okay?” he asked.

“Sure,” Tim pointed at the door “Dick’s climbing up the walls waiting for you.”

Before Jason could even start to protest, Tim grinned at him. It was just a little lift of his lips but Jason would take it.

“Oh please, don’t even try. We all saw Dick moping when you wouldn’t accept his dinner invitations. Do you think there is any chance he could hide his immense joy when you finally agreed?”

“Bruce?”

“Still burying his head in the sand.”

“I can live with that.”

“I bet.”

“See you around, baby bird.”

“Yeah. Probably,” Tim turned back to his computer, hand reaching for a mug with undoubtedly the blackest of coffees Jason had ever seen.

“’S not like I can go anywhere in that condition…”  
  


* * *

Jason had rounded the whole manor, or at least what felt like it without finding Dick anywhere.

“Dick?” he hated having to look for the idiot. Sure, chances were, he was in his room, but Jason had no intention of going up there. Not when his old room was-

“Jay!” he couldn’t even blink before his hands were full of Dick. Literally.

“Uhm.”

“I thought, I heard some commotion down there. You’re early,” Dick stepped back, grin falling “you’re not dressed.” But Dick was. _Damn_. Jason had seen Dick in a tux before, on multiple occasions but this time, it was different. He was allowed to look now. And he did. Because Dick- well, Dick looked fantastic. And way too inviting for Jason’s comfort. 

“You try riding a bike in a tux,” he averted his gaze. If not, there was a real chance he would devour Dick right here in the hall, despite him being absolutely not ready to take that step. 

“But you have it with you?” Jason refused to acknowledge the hopeful undertone that had taken hold of Dick’s voice. That would make his stomach feel even more fluttery and he really didn’t need that. 

“Yeah,” he pointed at his duffle bag. 

“Thank God! For a minute, I thought, you decided to skip the tux and go in jeans.”

Jason couldn’t really get behind why that would elicit the horrified expression on Dick’s face, but he nodded anyway.

“What’s the problem with jeans?” Jason mumbled, feeling a little self-conscious all of a sudden.

“Nothing,” Dick caught his gaze “but I really wanna see you in a tux, Jay.”

“Fine. Let me go change.” Without realising just where he was headed, he started walking. It was like putting on an old glove that still fit. He reached the door just before Dick wrenched his hand away.

“What’re you doing?”

“Changing?”

“Here?”

“Why not-” It dawned on him then, just where he was standing. And he was instantly grateful for Dick’s quick reflexes. If not for him, Jason would have walked straight into his old room.

“It’s- not a good idea,” Dick was biting his lip and pulling at Jason’s hand.

“Yeah no-” They had probably redecorated it, had thrown out his old stuff. It made his stomach turn unpleasantly and his fingers feel cold. He didn’t know why it hurt so badly to think about Bruce throwing his stuff away, but it did.

“You can- you can use my room. I’ll wait outside.”

Jason simply nodded and let himself be pulled down the hall.

* * *

Dick was still caught up in the situation from before, when Jason stepped out of his room, dressed in his tux and fidgeting with the tie. His brain instantly short circuited.

Because _Holy fuck._

Jason didn’t look good. He looked fucking gorgeous, delectable, _delicious_.

“I wanna have something to eat before we go there. There’s no way, I’m touching any of the food that asshole is putting out. Who knows what he’s mixed in there.”

Dick felt himself nodding, but his brain was offline. Otherwise, he would have said that he preferred Jason as a snack.

“Dick?” 

“Hm?”

“You’re drooling.” Dick snapped to attention, wiped his chin.

“Very funny,” he rolled his eyes when he realised- to his utter embarrassment- that Jason had been joking 

“It was, in my opinion.”

Dick agreed on one end though; he wanted to have something to eat too before they went to the party.

While he was still contemplating just how they were going to gather enough information to take down that new baddie, Jason did something really unfortunate.

He bent over. 

And Dick felt himself snap.

He crowded Jason against the fridge, desperate to finally touch him. Jason didn’t have time to react, but his hands immediately squeezed Dick’s waist and pulled him close when their lips crashed together. It felt so intoxicatingly good, having Jason this close without any means of running away. Dick relished each soft sound that passed Jason’s lips.

He had to stand on his tiptoes to reach him, but Jason’s height made Dick only want him more. He could let himself fall knowing Jason would catch him. That was something he hadn’t had in a relationship before.

Security.

No matter how much Dick pushed, Jason wouldn’t break. He doubted, while letting his teeth graze Jason’s earlobe, if there was anything that could take Jason apart. Truly.

Suddenly, someone cleared their throat. Jason shoved Dick away so violently, Dick hit his back hard at the kitchen aisle.

“If you two could stop sucking face for longer than two seconds my eyes would really appreciate it.” almost as an afterthought and completely oblivious to the horror on Jason’s face, Tim added “this is a communal area for god’s sake and you’re blocking the fridge!”

They were indeed blocking it, Dick realised. Still, Tim would have done the exact same thing if it was his current love interest bending over in front of him.

One glance at Jason and Dick purred softly in his throat. He delighted in the way Jason blushed up to his hairline. God, he looked delicious in that suit. How was Dick supposed to spend the evening concentrating on anything but Jason in that tux? 

“Hands off, Dickhead!” Jason growled when Dick’s hands found their way back to his hip. Dick chuckled, not the least bit concerned. Maybe because Jason was a lot less scary when red as a tomato and trying to hide the bulge that was still noticeable in his pants.

“Why?” Dick let his voice drop. He stepped forward, crowding Jason against the fridge again. 

“Because we have somewhere to be. Remember?” Jason tried so desperately to conceal how much Dick’s advances affected him. Dick took the opportunity and leaned in close. He let his breath ghost over Jason’s pulse point when he whispered “So? Party doesn’t start for another hour. We’d be fashionably late.”

The shiver that wrecked Jason’s body did not go unnoticed. 

“We can’t…”

“Why not? I have a room…”

“The tux…”

“What about it?”

“It’s gonna get ruined…”

“Is it?” Dick licked his lips, made sure to let Jason see, then blinked up at him. 

“What if there’s a way to avoid that?”

“Dick-” Jason gasped, letting himself fall back against the hard metal of the fridge.

“Hm?” He had no intention on stopping. Not when Jason trembled against him in an attempt to not roll his hips. Dick let his hands travel to Jason’s ass, squeezing once. The way Jason’s breath got stuck in his throat when Dick pulled him forward to grind their hips together made Dick light-headed. 

God, he loved making Jason quiver like that, rile him up to the point where he was a trembling mess.

* * *

Jason was rendered breathless much too soon. As much as he wanted to enjoy Dick pressing against him, somewhere in his brain alarms were going off. There was something he had wanted to say.

Something important.

He pushed at Dick, just to get that octopus off of him for just a second. 

“No! No, I need to- wait! Dick, I need to tell you-”

“Shshsh!” Dick silenced him with a hard kiss on the lips, working quick to unravel Jason completely.

“It’s- _fuck, Dickie_ \- it’s important…” Dick’s clever fingers covered around Jason’s erection then. Over his pants but still. Jason nearly leapt out of his skin. The friction felt so damn good.

“Later,” Dick fucking breathed into his ear. Jason shivered.

Okay, fuck this.

It wouldn’t hurt anyone to do this first and talk after, right? 

If Dick could wait, so could he.

What he couldn’t wait for, however, was Dick’s hands on him.

 _Seriously_ , he scolded himself while his head fell back to allow Dick’s mouth to bite his neck. 

_Where the fuck was his control when he needed it?_

* * *

They managed to be on time and without visible marks of their make-out session. Jason had stopped Dick before he had gotten a chance to shove his hands down Jason’s pants but it had been a close call. And Jason, despite Dick feeling better than anything he had ever experienced, wasn’t ready for this kind of closeness. Not this early. Sex made him emotional, left him vulnerable to hurt and he couldn’t risk that.

They had to drive in a dark black car which Jason instantly loathed. Dick, though, seemed right at home, always the golden boy. At least, until Jason took a closer look and saw Dick’s fingers clench and unclench every other minute. 

“What’s wrong?”

“Hyped up.” Even though Jason could tell Dick was brimming with energy, he didn’t quite buy the excuse.

“You havin’ a bad feeling?”

“No. No, not at all.”

“Cause if you do, ya’ have to tell me.”

“I don’t have a bad feeling.”

“But?” Because obviously there was one. 

“But you look really good in a tux, Jay.”

As much as Jason wanted to believe him, he could tell Dick was lying. 

“Fine,” Dick huffed, after taking one look at Jason’s raised eyebrow. 

“You went through the guest list, right?” Jason’s heart skipped a beat before remembering that he had checked the guest list twice. Once for the Duke, once for their mission. Dick wasn’t alluding to anything.

“There’s this one- I don’t know what to call him- he’s involved for sure but not a client?”

“Okay?”

From his own read, Jason could narrow Dick’s description down to two potential candidates. He was fairly sure, Dick meant the secretary. He had been there when Jason had heeded the Duke’s call. The other possibility was one of the security guards, but Jason highly doubted he would have a high enough status to be involved in the important stuff. 

“So, B and I were talking…” Maybe Dick left that sentence unfinished because he knew how Jason would react. Because Jason felt his shoulders instantly tensing up. This could only mean bad things. There was no way in hell, they had come up with a good idea. Not those two.

“Hear me out,” Dick tried to placate before Jason could intervene “he’s gonna have something on him, right? If he’s that high up. He’s gonna have intel.”

“And how do you plan on getting that?”

Dick fidgeted again. Jason was disturbed to see Dick glance at the ground, the window, anywhere but at him. Something was going on. From the look on Dick’s face, Jason could tell, he was not about to like one bit.

“Dick- how do you plan on getting the intel?” 

“I don’t know yet, alright?” Dick huffed. Before Jason could call him out for his bullshit lie, Dick’s lips quirked up and leaned in close. 

“Almost there, Jay. If we’re about to make an entrance…” but he left the sentence hanging in the air. Jason didn’t have time to decipher what Dick wasn’t saying, he was pulled against Dick’s body.

“Close your eyes, Jay,” Dick whispered in that sinful voice before placing a kiss against Jason’s lips. It was in no way appropriate to do that before entering an exclusive party. Dick knew, Jason would get riled up, would look dishevelled and thoroughly debauched.

Hold on.

Jason shoved Dick back. 

“Bastard,” he spat out, but not without a smirk.

“No idea what you’re talkin’ about, Little Wing.”

“Sure, Dickhead.”

They had reached the entrance then and got out of the car.

Alfred, waved them goodbye, dressed smartly as the chauffeur.   
  


* * *

Granted, it had been Dick’s own idea. He had been the one to talk it up to Bruce. However, once he felt Jason’s arm around his waist, manoeuvring them through the party guests, his hands started sweating again.

Evidently, he hadn’t thought this one through. How was he supposed to sell this if a man like Jason was plastered to his side? Especially, since Dick really liked having him there. Even before they had started their thing- whatever it was they were doing- Jason had never been one for physical contact.

Now though, Dick noticed how he slowly eased into it, a casual hand on his lower back, a squeeze of his thigh, small things that made Dick’s brain go haywire. Dick suspected, Jason had no idea what he was doing or what it did to Dick but that made it all the better.

For a minute, Dick allowed himself to just enjoy Jason’s body beside his own. All that core muscle twitched under his fingers where Dick was ghosting over Jason’s back. He had to remind himself forcefully, to not go further.

This was neither the time nor the place.

They had a mission to complete here. No matter how sinful Jason looked or how much Dick wanted to devour him, they had to concentrate.

 _He_ had to concentrate.

* * *

The party was too loud. The guests were obnoxious. Jason had always harboured antipathy against those elitist assholes that greeted each other with a smile only to turn around and gossip about the very same people they just talked to.

The last fifteen minutes, Jason had spent watching Dick trying to get a drink, non-alcoholic of course, for the both of them. Which shouldn’t have been anything to anger him. He was hit over the head, once more, with Dick’s installed flirting magnet. It didn’t matter who was catching sight of him, men, women, nonbinary, no matter who. Dick was approached at least ten times since he had left Jason’s side.

Now, Jason wanted to make one thing perfectly clear, he was not jealous. Not at all. He just didn’t like people touching Dick, leering at his body, making obviously lewd comments. Jason couldn’t hear them but the pained expression on Dick’s face said it all.

He didn’t know when he had started to ball his fist and bite his lip, but now that he noticed, it was hard to stop. Dick seemed to realise the level of fed-up Jason was currently at and finally- finally!- made his way back over. 

“You okay there, Jack?” They had gone with aliases, of course, but Jack was not a name Jason particularly liked.

“Yeah, just wondering how long it takes for you to get us drinks…” his voice was tight, betraying his jealousy.

“Sorry,” Dick winced, apparently recognising Jason’s discomfort by his voice alone. 

“But I got some useful information while I was over there.”

Jason simply nodded for him to continue, finding it hard to concentrate on anything but the glances Dick kept getting from the strangers surrounding them.

“Jack? Hey-” Dick tugged at his sleeve to get his attention. Jason blinked down at him.

“Hm?”

“Come with me?” He pulled Jason with him, down a dark corridor that should have felt eerie but actually helped Jason breathe more easily. He hadn’t realised how much the party- the constant noise- was bothering him until the chatter had simmered down to a minimum.

“Better?” Dick asked while subtly scanning the room for bugs.

“Yeah,” Jason admitted, watching Dick activate his disrupter, to make sure they were not overheard. 

“Anyway, I was talking to this guy- the one in the red tux-” Yeah, Jason remembered that one. He had been particularly handsy.

“He gave me something to work with so that I can get our guy alone.”

“The secretary?”

“Yeah. It’s just…” Dick trailed off. Jason could see, an inch above his tux, how redness was starting to spread.

“Oh, I’m not going to like this one, am I?” He asked, half joking. Dick’s expression turned apologetic and Jason knew he had hit a nerve.

“Give me ten minutes.” Okay, now suspicion was taking hold of him and he really didn’t like that. Not one bit. 

“For what?” 

“To get him alone.” Great. Get the secretary of the bad guy alone. While undercover. What on earth was Dick thinking? How was that supposed to help them? 

“And then?”

“Then you follow.” What the fuck? Jason wasn’t a dog being told to stay put and then follow when convenient. 

“What’s the catch?” There was one. There always was a catch somewhere. And Dick knew what it was. 

“Hm?” Oh no. He wasn’t fooling anyone, let alone Jason who had studied body language for way too long to not see the deflection. 

“The catch, Dick,” he said, fighting the urge to massage his temples, “you wouldn’t have pulled me aside just to tell me this.”

Something about the way Dick was fidgeting, his wording, his behaviour set Jason off. He knew there was something going on that Dick wasn’t telling him. 

“I just- promise me, you’ll keep your head clear?”

“Why would I need to keep my head clear?”

“Just promise me-”

“Why? Dick, tell me what’s going on!” _You’re scaring me_ , Jason wanted to say but couldn’t bring himself to.

“Nothing’s going on, okay? Just- trust me on this one. I know, what I’m doing.”

He did. If it came down to, Jason would trust Dick with a lot of things. His life even, if there was no other way.

“Fine. But if you do something stupid and I have to drag you out of there, you’re gonna regret it.” He had a really bad feeling that something was about to happen. 

“Sure thing.” Dick got up on his tiptoes and pressed a swift kiss to Jason’s cheek.

The skin burned where Dick touched it.

* * *

Jason had been confused about Dick’s antics. Sure, the guy was flighty but specifically asking Jason to stay behind for ten minutes before following was a little odd. Watching Dick flirt his way into the secretary’s good graces had not been a pleasant experience either. Jason did understand what he was trying to accomplish, but it still stung a little. 

Time was up, just then and he fell into motion, making his way through the crowd.

Dick had disappeared around that corner, Jason was sure, so he did the same. There were a few locked doors before one finally swung open. Jason stepped inside, careful not to be seen or heard in case there was someone in here. 

He had been right. There was someone in there.

Two someones, to be precise.

It took a moment, for Jason to put it together, to fully realise what he was seeing. But when he did, when it finally hit him, he couldn’t quite believe it. His heart instantly plummeted. He put a hand over his chest, pressed against the skin there.

_No._

_Please no._

_Don’t do this to me._

Dick looked at him then, like he had heard him, from where he was splayed out on the bed. He made a motion with his head that registered as odd. Jason didn’t care. He didn’t care, goddamn it.

He should have known.

Of course, Dick didn’t really want him. 

Why would he?

Why had he done that? 

Why ask Jason to follow? 

Did Dick want him to watch this? Was this some perverse power play?

Was this Dick’s way of telling Jason they were done?

 _Don’t let it be that,_ Jason thought with desperate denial.

_Please, not that.  
_

Jason couldn’t concentrate on one thought, they were swirling in his brain, all twisted around each other.

Only one thought stuck out. 

_Why?_

Why would Dick do this to him? 

Wasn’t he worth a real brake-up? 

Didn’t he deserve the decency of a conversation at least?

“Left,” Dick moaned, “to the left.” It broke his heart, hearing Dick moan like this. Still, his training set in, without a conscious decision and it dawned on him- somewhere between the feeling of his heart being ripped apart- that Dick was talking to him.

He tried his best to listen, to hear him, but he couldn’t. He just couldn’t. Not with that voice. Not in that situation. He just wanted to run, to leave. To not be here.

The second, he glanced at the bed, all he could see was the secretary kissing down Dick’s exposed stomach. 

“You like that, babe?” the guy breathed. Jason had to look away again. He couldn’t do this. He was about to leave when Dick made a protesting sound. Jason turned, despite every instinct telling him otherwise.

He snapped his gaze up just before the guy shoved his face down Dick’s unbuttoned pants.

Dick, caught his eyes, jerked his head again. It became clear then, what Dick was trying to say.

Intel.

Dick had said, he wanted to get intel. 

And now, he was trying to tell Jason where it was.

Jason’s eyes fell to where Dick was pointing at, to the place on the ground where the guy had thrown his jacket. He was as quick as he could be, while remained entirely silent, and snatched the USB out of the pocket. He pressed down against the hurt swelling in his chest. He needed to get out of here and fast.

Dick moaned again.

Something lurched in Jason’s stomach and he clamped down on it as hard as he could.

Half-way out of the door, he made the mistake of looking back. Their gazes met across the room. Dick’s eyes were hooded, his hand fumbling for the other man’s hair.

But Jason, gripping the doorframe to stop himself from doing something he would regret, saw the emptiness in them. The spark, the glint that made Dick’s eyes look so dangerous, it wasn’t there. They were void of any emotion, bleak orbs like Jason had never seen them before. He stumbled back from the resignation in there. Dick wasn’t enjoying himself. Jason would be his life on it.

A heady mix of emotions overwhelmed him.

Relief. 

Anger.

Hope.

He had experienced what Dick was like when excited. This wasn’t even close. And suddenly, realisation dawned with the force of a speeding truck hitting him in the chest. Dick was doing this so they could get the USB. He wasn’t cheating. Not in his eyes.

Dick was doing a job.

And for some reason, that made Jason feel even worse.

* * *

The cold wind felt good against his overheated skin. For the first time this evening, he felt like he could breathe. He had left Dick with the secretary, not wanting to watch any further. On the way to the cabs waiting for the party guests to trickle out, Jason reflected on the evening. Dick had been on edge on the drive already, then his ominous words before asking Jason to trust him.

It all made sense now.

This hadn’t been just a fluke.

Dick had said, he knew what he was doing. And for some reason, Jason now felt like he had meant that a little bit differently from how Jason had taken it. Dick did know what he was doing. Because this wasn’t the first time he had been doing it. He didn’t know, where that revelation came from, but once it was there, Jason couldn’t shake it off anymore.

It sickened him to the core, so much so that he had to quickly find some bushes where his stomach could empty itself without making a scene.

After wiping his mouth and finding a cab, he texted Alfred that Dick would be home later. The ride didn’t take long, but the walk to the manor did. Maybe Jason was paranoid but he didn’t want someone following the cab to the manor. Their cover would be blown in milliseconds. When he finally reached the cave, careful to look over his shoulders before letting himself in through the hidden entrance, he was exhausted and his tux wet from sweating through it.

This was precisely why he wore t-shirts and a jacket, for fuck’s sake.

“Master Jason! What am I supposed to do with this message?” Huh. Okay. Alfred was a lot more pissed off than Jason had expected him to be.

“Dick’s coming later.” Jason pulled of the tux jacket and shirt underneath with more force than necessary. 

“May I ask what happened?” Alfred stepped forward with a fresh shirt in hand, reaching it out for Jason to hold. His tone had lost the snippiness, had gone soft and careful like he knew perfectly well what happened. 

“Nothing. We got the info, that’s what matters.” 

Alfred didn’t comment but raised that stern English eyebrow Jason had learned to fear. 

“I prepared tea,” Alfred said and held out a cup, “Jasmine.”

_Damn him._

Jason couldn’t say no to Jasmine tea. Not after the night he had had. And to think, it had started so well. Typical. Why would he have a nice evening? He was Jason Todd, after all. The universe rarely did him any favours.

“I’m not insulting your intelligence by asking again, but I would like an answer all the same.”

“He cheated on me.” Jason immediately blanched. 

Of all the things he could have said.

And now Alfred was back to looking pissed off. Great. Maybe he should just down a shot of Whiskey and go to sleep.

“That-” Alfred cleared his throat “does not sound like Master Dick.”

It didn’t. Jason had to give him that. But being doubted was something he was highly allergic to, so he instantly felt himself shut down.

“He fooled around with the secretary to get intel.” Jason bit out, sounding like a petulant toddler without having the emotional compacity to change it right now. It angered him even further and he buried his nails in his palms to stop himself from lashing out. When Alfred didn’t answer for a long time, Jason made the mistake of looking up.

“This isn’t news to you,” he realised. 

“I’m afraid not.”

“What the fuck?”

For once, Alfred didn’t scold him for cursing. It didn’t feel like a win.

“He does that regularly?” He had been right. He had been completely right. _Why_ did he always have to be right when all he wanted was to be wrong?

“Not- regularly.” The pause clearly said it all. 

“But he does it.”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“I am, perhaps, not the right person to ask about this.” No. But Jason couldn’t sit here and wait for Dick to show up to let him down gently. Not when his whole concept of the golden boy, of Nightwing, the brightest star in the among the capes, had just been destroyed. 

“Screw it! Dick’s still there and I need to know now!”

Alfred was still for a while, hands folded in his lap. When he looked up, Jason felt a chill run over his back. This was going to hurt, he felt it in his bones.

“Master Dick has always been a little-” he paused like he was searching for the right word “difficult when it came to boundaries. I’m certain, you remember?”

Jason did. He had hated the way Dick kept trying to touch him. Young Jason hadn’t been good with that kind of contact. If they were being honest, he still wasn’t.

“Pleasing someone, no matter whom, has always been on the forefront of his mind. Even as a child, he longed for validation.” Jason was aware. Dick was a people pleaser, that wasn’t new information to him, or anyone really.

“After some time, people started noticing him, as I’m sure you have noticed.” Yeah, that had kinda been the point of this whole mess. Dick was too attractive for his own good.

“He quickly realised that he could use his looks to get what he wanted.”

“But that’s-”

Alfred stopped him with an upheld hand. 

“It developed from there. Sometimes, if he feels like there is no other way, he will resort to this. He will seduce the target to the point where their focus shifts from whatever they are keeping safe, to him.”

“So, in short, he’s letting himself be used for missions.”

Alfred didn’t answer verbally but the resignation in his eyes was clearly visible. 

“If you permit me to be honest…” Alfred sighed “I had high hopes, after hearing you accepted his invitation. I believed…” he trailed off but Jason heard the ending to that sentence loud and clear.

“You believed he would stop.”

“Yes.”

“But he didn’t.” The confirmation brought the initial sensation of all-consuming pain back to him like a déjà-vu. 

“Apparently not.”

“So, what does that mean?”

Alfred couldn’t give him an answer, no matter how much Jason needed one.

* * *

Bruce’ voice echoed through the cave. Jason didn’t really want to talk to him. He had hoped Bruce wouldn’t be here tonight. But, seeing as this really wasn’t his day, why the fuck not? A few snippets of the one-sided conversation rang through to him.

“…know… haven’t seen… Alfred… have it?” A spark of curiosity ignited in him and he walked towards Bruce’ voice.

“…coming home… here… I… look… see what I can do.” He found Bruce in the computer room in front of a large monitor checking something Jason had no interest in. What he did have an interest in was Bruce’ conversation, the topic of which became suddenly clear when Bruce said the name of the person he was telephoning with.

“Dick- I’ll try. I can’t promise- no- I haven’t seen him,” Jason instantly knew that Dick was talking about him.

He bit his tongue, forcing himself to keep silent in the doorframe and let Bruce talk.

“You got it?” Dick must have affirmed because Bruce nodded and continued “good job.”

And Jason’s control flew right out of the window. How could Bruce- _Bruce_ of all people- say “good job” when he knew what Dick had done to get that USB? There was no other word for it, Jason felt betrayed. His voice boomed through the room.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” He didn’t even bother closing the door of the cave behind him. Bruce looked mildly surprised by his tone. He was typing away at the bat computer but stood up when he realised just how angry Jason was. 

“Jason-”

“No! Shut up! I can’t believe you!” He was losing it. And he was losing it quickly. Bruce was pushing buttons he should never have pushed. 

“Are you seriously trying to tell me you’re okay with this! That you let him do this! That you’re proud of him for it! You’ve got the be joking! You condone that? My methods are too immoral but Dick selling himself is okay? Letting himself be used by the target isn’t wrong? Is that what you guys do nowadays? Is that the detective work, you’re all so goddamn proud of? I _cannot_ be the only who sees the issue with this! I can’t even begin to tell you how fucking wrong you are to do this to him! To _anyone_! You sent him in there like a whore!”

His fists clenched by his sides. The picture of Dick sprawled out on the bed like this, writhing like he was enjoying himself when Jason could so clearly see he was not. That vacant look in Dick’s eyes when they found Jason lingering in the doorway, would haunt him forever. 

“It wasn’t like that…”

 _Oh no._ No, he was not letting this slide. 

“I grew up on those streets, B! I know what that’s like! So, yes, that’s exactly what it was like! And guess what, I have a fucking issue with it! Even if it weren’t Dick!”

“You don’t understand!”

“NO! _YOU_ don’t understand!” his voice came out like thunder “There is no way- no way in hell- that this is okay! With anyone! No matter what he says or what you want to tell yourself! This is disgusting and unnecessary and just plain fucking wrong!”

“Jas-”

“ _Don’t_ talk to me! Just get out! Leave me the fuck alone!” he was aware that he was the one intruding in the batcave but he had zero patience for Bruce at the moment. Dick would come in any minute now and if Bruce was still there, Jason would seriously flip his shit.

He needed to talk to Dick first, make sure he hadn’t been violated any more than he already had.

* * *

Nothing could have prepared him for the sight Dick made when he came through the door. His hair was dishevelled, there was a hickey on his neck, his lips were raw and too red to pass as normal. The list could go on, but Jason refused to search for proof of another man’s hands on Dick.

At first, Dick didn’t even see him. He walked straight to a chair and fell down on it. His eyes closed, his head fell back. He looked exhausted. Jason saw his shoulders shivering and instinctively stepped closer.

Dick must have heard it, because his head shot up, eyes immediately alert. A range of emotion flittered across Dick’s face upon seeing Jason. There was relief, hope, shame, guilt, all mixed up. They stared at each other in silence for what felt like hours, before Jason decided to get this over with.

He said the only word that mattered, the only thing that could potentially save him from being drowned in that black abyss of pain.

“Why?” the word echoed through the silence of the room. His voice was shaky, almost too rough for it to pass as normal. The hurt was so blatantly obvious and Jason hated himself for it.

He had no idea how he had gathered enough courage to even ask. He instantly braced himself for the inevitable answer. It didn’t matter that he knew Dick had done it for the intel.

“I told you, we needed intel.” Yeah, he got that loud and clear. Didn’t change a thing. 

“There’s other ways,” Jason mumbled, body starting to tremble with the force it cost to hold himself together.

“What?”

“I said, there is other ways.” There always was. If he had learned one thing from Bruce, it was that. He had taught Jason that years ago. There was _always_ another way. And if there wasn’t, you made yourself one. 

“No. There wasn’t.” Dick said with finality.

“Dick-” He didn’t want to fight, didn’t want to even discuss it. What he wanted was for Dick to deliver the final blow and have this whole charade be done with. If Dick was going to end it with him, he needed to do it now. Because Jason didn’t know for how long he could bear this.

“I’m sorry, alright?” Dick said, his stance still tense “I know- I understand, this wasn’t easy for you. But you have to- Jay- you know, it meant nothing. I only did it to get that USB.”

“Did it?” The question was out of his mouth before he could think it through. Why did he continue to set himself up for heartbreak? He knew what Dick’s answer was and it didn’t change a goddamn thing. Not really. Dick might as well have slapped him across the face with the truth. That he didn’t want a relationship. That Jason was just a passing desire. One of so many. 

“Did it what?”

“Mean nothing?”

“Of course!” Dick spluttered like even the idea was absurd.

“Do you honestly believe, I would cheat on you? And like that too? Make you watch?”

“I don’t know…” he answered truthfully. Because to him, that was exactly what had happened. Knowing why Dick had done it, didn’t help.

“Do you really think, I’m that much of an asshole?” His instinctive answer was a loud and clear no. But he couldn’t explain away the fact that Dick _had_ made him watch. 

“What am I supposed to think? You didn’t even tell me beforehand. What was I supposed to think when I saw-” he breathed in to get rid of the hysterical edge in his voice “You let me walk in there without any warnings. Do you have any idea what that-” He stopped himself just in time before he could lay himself bare.

His efforts were for naught, it seemed. Dick had always been quick to pick him apart, so his next question wasn’t a surprise. “What that did to you?”

He nodded, not trusting his own voice.

“Yes,” Dick admitted.

“And you let me do it anyway.” It wasn’t a question. Not really. And Dick wasn’t supposed to answer but he did. And it hurt just as much as Jason knew it would.

“Yes.” A sharp pain cut through him. He recoiled instantly, walls coming up. 

“’s that it then?” he spat out, shoulders tensing. He needed to leave. Now. Before he embarrassed himself and begged Dick to try with him, promise, he’d be a better partner. Maybe refusing sex had been a bad-

“No.” He slumped down, suddenly so exhausted.

“What else, Dick?” 

“You’ve got it wrong.”

“There’s really not anything to get wrong.”

“Yes-” Dick crossed the room quickly “Because it had nothing to do with you. It’s like porn actors. This is my job. This is what I can do, what is expected of me. You know, I did it for the mission. I do what I have to do. That doesn’t mean, I don’t want you.” He sounded almost affronted, like the idea was ludicrous. Jason didn’t agree. 

“Yes, it does.”

“No! Jason don’t-”

“ _Stop_! Stop it right now! I _will_ walk out of here if you start patronising me!” Didn’t Dick see how hard he was trying not to run? That his every instinct was yelling at him to turn and never look back? That he was doing this- that he was staying- for them?

“Sorry,” Dick’s eyes were wide with shock, he stepped back “I’m sorry. I don’t know how to make it up to you. I know, it wasn’t fair-”

“Wasn’t fair- Dick- that’s not-” He felt a headache coming. How Dick could be so far off the mark was unbelievable.

Jason exploded “It _hurt_ , you bastard!” 

“I get that!” Dick yelled back before realising that he had absolutely no right to do so “But it was just for the job. It doesn’t mean anything. I didn’t want him. I didn’t enjoy it. It means nothing to me! It doesn’t matter!”

“Dick-”

“I still want you!” Dick threw at him “nothing has changed between us! And I don’t know how to make you understand-” Jason stopped him before he could say anything else.

“You can’t! Dick- this is wrong! How can you not see that!”

“Because it’s not! It was necessary! It’s what I do!” Every word felt like a stab to the heart. Jason curled in on himself, hiding behind his bulk.

“But you shouldn’t do it! Don’t you get that?” He didn’t see any way this could end but in pain. 

“Why?” Dick asked like it wasn’t perfectly clear. 

“Are you kidding me? Because you let yourself be used by some stranger and for what?” For what indeed? 

“For information! That we need to take him down! You know that!”

“There is still right and wrong!”

“Like you care!”

“What?” he asked, even the air tasting wrong in his mouth. Nausea was creeping in again.

And then, Dick delivered the fatal blow. 

“How is this any different than you killing people, hu? How? Because, at least, people don’t get hurt when you sleep with them!” The silence that followed was deafening. Jason felt his walls draw up instantly. That was it. 

“I’m done.”

“What?” Dick looked sick all of a sudden, like he had realised just what he had said. Jason saw the paleness in his face and the sweat on his forehead. Dick’s eyes were glassy.

He turned away.

“I’m done, Dickie. I- I wanted for this to work-” he chuckled wetly “you have no idea, how much I wanted his to work. But I’m done. I can’t do this.”

“No! I didn’t mean- no- _wait_ -” the hysteric tone was back, making Dick’s voice loud and bone-cuttingly shrill. Jason only managed to whisper an apology.

“I’m sorry.”

He left without another word, Dick’s calls of his name still in his ear.

* * *

Dick stared at the door.

His heart nearly jumped out of his chest when it opened.

“Jay?” he called “Jay, I’m sorry, alright? But we can-”

“Not Jason. Sorry.” Tim had entered, looking just as haggard as he had the last few days.

Dick felt himself shiver at the realisation that Jason had left. For good this time.

Oh god, he had fucked up. 

Shit.

“Dick?” He barely heard Tim beside him. His thoughts were running amok in his head. It hadn’t been a big deal to him. He did this all the time.

But Jason- Jason didn’t know that. Jason, who had told him how afraid he was that this wasn’t going to work, that he didn’t date. And Dick hadn’t put two and two together and had just ignored it.

Jason was _hurt_. Not angry. Hurt.

He had planned for angry. But he hadn’t had a partner in a long time. And never one like Jason. Making him watch that- what had Dick been thinking?

_Fuck._

He hadn’t meant to hurt Jason. This wasn’t how the evening was supposed to go. Why hadn’t he realised earlier that Jason would feel like this? He was usually so good at reading people.

“Dick!” Tim bellowed. Dick instantly snapped out of it.

“What happened? Why did Jason storm out like that? You guys were fine before.”

“What- did he say something?”

“No,” Dick noticed, through the haze that was his thoughts, that Tim was stalling.

“He didn’t look good, Dick.”

Dick didn’t have the capacity to ask what Tim meant but Tim understood either way.

“He- Dick- I think- I think, he was crying…”

The world stopped.

Just for a moment. And when it turned again, Dick’s stomach turned with it. 

“I didn’t mean it,” he mumbled to himself, wishing Jason could hear him “I’m so sorry. I swear, I didn’t mean it.” He had lashed out, had felt attacked and judged and ashamed all at once. That utter disgust in Jason’s eyes had stung so badly, Dick had said the first thing that had come to mind. He shouldn’t have said that. Not that. Anything but that.

“Dick? Tell me what happened,” Tim touched his arm and Dick wrenched it back. He couldn’t be touched right now, not with the feeling of that man on his skin that was still burning through his clothes. He needed a shower.

“I-” but his voice broke on the first syllable. 

“Did something happen at the party?” Tim tried again. Dick felt himself nod but couldn’t focus on the here and now. His mind was with Jason and how he had looked when he had entered that room, when his eyes had found Dick’s that first time.

Betrayal.

That was what Dick had read in there. It had been so obvious. Only, he had put it off his mind to complete the mission. But now that nothing needed handling, now that Jason had walked out on him, all the little hints became glaringly apparent.

“Tell me you didn’t-” Tim suddenly spat out, “tell me you didn’t do it again, Dick.”

He didn’t have to answer. Tim read it perfectly from his expression.

“How could you do this to him? Did you make him come after you? Like you did with me that one time?” Tim’s anger only made Dick feel worse. He knew, they didn’t approve of his methods. He knew that. But there were kids at stake and he had seen no other way.

Then why did he feel like this?

So empty and disgusted with himself? 

Why did “it was for the mission” suddenly didn’t justify his behaviour anymore? 

Was it really worth it, a voice in his head asked. 

Was it worth losing Jason over this?

_No._

Nothing was worth losing Jason over.

“Dick- I- you need to talk to him- you need to tell him-”

“I did,” Dick pressed out. He couldn’t breathe. It hurt to swallow. Everything hurt. 

“He left after you talked?” Dick nodded frantically, nails scratching his arms.

“He thinks-” the air just wouldn’t come “he thinks, it meant something…”

“Shit.”

“Tim-” he collapsed against the chair, sobs wrecking his body. He couldn’t stop, couldn’t compose himself.

Jason was gone. He was gone. And it was Dick’s fault. 

He had driven him away.

His fault, his fault, _his fault_ …

* * *

Three days of ignored phone calls and text messages and Jason was tired. He couldn’t sleep, the image of Dick on the bed writhing like he was enjoying himself, haunted him in his dreams. It didn’t matter that the logical part in his brain knew Dick hadn’t really enjoyed himself.

Over time, he also realised that Dick had been desperate to get into his pants and it worried him. After getting therapy for years, Jason knew unhealthy coping mechanisms when he saw them.

Hell, he was the king of unhealthy coping, just ask his liquor cabinet and broken bones from working himself into the ground. And Dick fell right into that pattern too. It shouldn’t surprise him.

But something about Dick having a dark side, having such an abyss in him, chilled Jason to the core.

Nightwing wasn’t supposed to be like that.

 _Dick_ wasn’t supposed to be like that.

Sure, all the batkids had issues. Tim was an insomniac perfectionist with self-confidence issues up to Uranus. The demon spawn had died once, had no idea what a normal life was, was genetically modified and so far in his own head, he couldn’t see kindness for what it was even if someone hit him over the head with it. And Bruce- Bruce was the epitome of childhood trauma if Jason had ever seen one.

And the daddy issues. Holy fuck. They could drown in the pool of daddy issues they all had combined.

But Dick had always shone a little brighter than the rest of them, had always been the golden boy. Dick had been the one Bruce had supposedly gotten right. Dick had been the one that had stood out between them, a blinding light in the sea of darkness that was their fucked-up family.

Jason shook his head. This wasn’t right. Dick shouldn’t need to do this to feel validate, like he was contributing.

He still felt betrayed, was still hurt. Just when he had thought he had something good and pure and worth trying for, it was ripped away from him.

Because he was who he was and he didn’t deserve happiness.

Not really.

Stop it, a voice in his head scolded. Those thoughts could consume him if he left them. And then nobody was safe. He had a pretty good grasp on the pit most of the time but when his thoughts overwhelmed him, things tended to get ugly real fast.

His phone rang again. Jason was about to push the ignore button, when the name registered.

“Tim?” 

“I know it’s not a good time, but I need your help.”

“Shoot.”

“I didn’t decode the entire USB but there was a map with potential- uh- potential spots and I need you to check the one in your territory.” Jason wouldn’t have made a fuss if this were any other day. But he was so tired and he really didn’t need any more bad news coming his way. 

“Why?”

“Because I think there’s a body there. And there’s no one else I can send. Damian is on a mission with Bruce and Dick’s-”

Jason almost bit through his tongue in an effort not to ask.

“Dick’s what?”

“He’s not doing well.”

“Tim-” the warning rang out loud and clear.

“Ever since you left, he didn’t pick up his phone. He’s not- I know where he is but this isn’t like him.”

“Look-”

“I don’t want to get involved or anything. Just- do you think, you can come over and talk? 

“I thought you called because you needed help.” He didn’t want to think about Dick. Not now. Maybe not ever.

“I do. I just thought- never mind. That spot I told you about- I think, they dump the bodies there.”

“Which bodies, Tim?” He had a vague idea, but he needed Tim to confirm.

“Kids.” He was out of the door before he could even answer. 

“I’m on it.”

“Thanks.” Tim sounded relieved.

Jason didn’t want to ask why.

* * *

He found the spot quickly. The kid, twelve at most, was on his back, eyes open and empty. The rush of pain that went through him, didn’t surprise Jason. He had seen bodies like this before, too many to count. It didn’t get any easier. He took his time checking for anything to identify the boy with.

He got hold of the police then, calling anonymously and praying someone halfway decent would show up and take care of the boy. Even though, he couldn’t wait around to see who picked up the body, he hid behind a container and watched the scene from there. For some reason, when it came to kids, his heart always beat up in his throat. He owed it to them to make sure they were taken care of.

Even if that meant ensuring that they weren’t dumped into the nearest river. The cops who arrived, Jason didn’t recognise, but they bent down, examined the body and carefully picked it up. Decent, Jason’s brain suggested.

Jason prayed, he wasn’t wrong.

He wandered through the streets and found himself on the way to the manor before he could think it through. He didn’t have to go there, in fact, he didn’t even want to. But he had been feeling restless and nervous since Tim’s call.

Tim opened with a mixture of relief and anxiety on his face.

“I know what happened,” was what he blurted out the second Jason’s foot had crossed the threshold and the door was securely locked behind them.

“I know, you probably never want to talk to him again but you need to know that he’s sorry.”

Jason snorted. Why would that matter?

“You didn’t see him. He completely shut down after you left.”

“Tim-” Jason once more tried in vain to stop Tim from telling him things that made him feel bad. He didn’t want Dick to shut down. But he also couldn’t just shove aside his issues.

“We tried to make him stop, okay? All of us. Damian. Bruce. Me. Alfred. But he wouldn’t listen.”

“I got that.” From Alfred and with just the same amount of frustration.

“But when you left, he- I’ve never seen him like this. He was so out of it, he didn’t even listen. He just kept saying he needed to tell you he was sorry and that he didn’t mean it.” 

“It doesn’t matter.”

“How can you say that? Of course, it matters. You’re just so adamant to not be happy that you won’t see what’s right in front of you.”

“Watch it!”

“Or what?” Tim challenged but followed it up by another ramble that Jason wasn’t ready to hear.

“He broke down because you left. Don’t you see the significance in that? He didn’t care with us but he did with you! Because you’re different!”

“What’re you saying?” he could have hit himself. Why was he even entertaining the idea? 

“I’m saying: talk to him. Make it clear that you won’t tolerate this anymore. Tell him what it did to you. Be honest, for fuck’s sake.”

“He knows what it did to me.” That much had been abundantly clear. Hell, Dick had even confirmed it.

“ _Now_. He knows now. Because you left.” Of course, he had left. What else had there been to do? 

“He should have known before.” Dick was so good at reading people. Jason couldn’t comprehend how Dick couldn’t have known how detrimental that act would be to Jason. 

“Yes, he should have. But he’s Dick. And he was never in this situation. Before you, I mean. The people he dated after Babs- it was never an issue because they weren’t in our line of work. But you are and you _see_ him when no one else really looks.”

“Don’t!” Jason spat out. He didn’t need further confirmation of his pathetic feelings.

“You’re not swayed by his fake smile. You don’t want him for his looks. You want him for him. And I think, up to that point, he didn’t realise that.”

“That doesn’t make it okay.” It didn’t. Ignorance wasn’t an excuse. Jason knew that from experience. 

“No. And you shouldn’t shove it aside. But maybe, you can work through this, do you understand?” 

“I need to talk to B first.” Jason had no idea where that had come from. It was right, though, necessary even. 

“He should be back in about fifteen minutes.”

“I’m not promising anything,” he was quick to remind Tim. 

“I don’t expect you to.”

“Glad we agree.”  
  


* * *

Tim was proven correct once more. Bruce did arrive fifteen minutes later, looking exhausted and irritated when he saw Jason in the doorway of his room. He didn’t ask, didn’t greet him but he motioned for Jason to come in.

“You knew, he would do this, didn’t you?” Jason said, his voice loud in the empty room. He couldn’t remember when he had last spoken to Bruce like this. Without yelling or insults. He wished, he could feel good about it, but the topic of their conversation loomed over them like the bat’s shadow did over Gotham. 

“When he told you, he would get intel from the secretary, you knew and you let him go in anyway…” Bruce didn’t need to answer for Jason to know.

“Yes.” Jason fought vehemently against the wave of disappointment threating to overwhelm him. He had known Bruce had done it, and yet, a small part of him- the one that still believed in Batman with all his heart- died a little more inside at the admission.

“Then why would you still send him in there? Knowing he would resort to this?” He asked, trying his best to keep his voice level and controlled. 

“Because he is our best shot!”

The control flew right out of the window. 

“HE! IS! TRAUMATISED!” That shut Bruce right up. Jason would have broken out in wild triumphant cheers if not for the fact that Bruce stared at him with that vacant look Jason had learned to fear.

“Never occurred to you, I take it…” He tried for nonchalant, like all of this was blatantly obvious when it really wasn’t. Dick was a master at hiding behind a cheery smile and jovial shove. Still,

Jason had needed someone to blame and who better than Bruce?

“He’s- it’s not…” Seeing Bruce like this reminded Jason of the times he had come to the manor with wounds his hoodie couldn’t cover. His stomach gave a nasty twist.

“It’s not what, B?” Jason was so exhausted all of a sudden. He didn’t want to have this conversation, especially not on Dick’s behalf. But seeing the way Dick reacted to intimacy, he needed to draw boundaries. And he would be damned if he just continued to let Dick hurt himself like that. 

“He says, he doesn’t mind.” 

“And that makes it okay? Do you even know your own son? Fuck, B!” He felt like pulling his own hair out of his scalp. How was this whole family so obtuse? Weren’t they supposed to be detectives?

“I’ve never met a better liar than Richard fucking Grayson!” He was one fraction away from yelling, under his breath he muttered “and that’s fucking saying something…”

Bruce scoffed. “Dick is a terrible liar.”

Jason couldn’t believe his own ears. How on earth had Bruce- paranoid as fuck Bruce- not figured it out yet? 

“No! _God_ , why does everyone believe that? The guy is a fucking great liar! He just never has to use it! So, when he does, no one realises it!”

“But you do?” There was a sharp undertone in Bruce’ voice. It took Jason one millisecond to realise that: oh shit. That was a trap, if he had ever seen one. And he had laid it himself.

“Yes,” he answered, volume a little lower, tone a little more cautious.

“Because you are dating,” Bruce said without any inflection. But at least, Jason tried to convince himself, it wasn’t disapproval either. 

“No! No, we’re not dating.”

“Right now.” Again. Not a question. Bruce knew exactly what was going on.

“At all.”

“Because of what happened at the party.”

“Look-”

“I understand the issue.” Okay? What exactly did that mean?

“I tried to stop him from doing it. Not that night but before. It never ended well.” Jason didn’t know how to handle the situation. He hadn’t talked to Bruce like this for years. And he wasn’t sure, he knew how.

“He isn’t well.”

“I heard.”

“Talk to him?” It was a request, so soft Jason barely heard it.

“Why?” Jason breathed, just as softly. Bruce refused to look at him when he answered.

“He doesn’t listen to me. Maybe he’ll listen to you.”

* * *

When he finally found Dick’s safehouse, Dick let him in with a grin on his face like nothing had happened between them. Jason instantly recognised that Dick, for all his bravado, was deeply insecure about the whole ordeal. He watched Dick moving around for a while, a total contrast to how he had been when Jason had left, it irked him. The chipper mood was as fake as it could be. It had an unhinged tint to it that set Jason on edge. He deliberately mentioned his conversation with Bruce in passing, almost like an afterthought.

And, like predicted, Dick went into overdrive.

“What do you mean, you talked to Bruce?” Dick’s voice had a cutting undertone that Jason wasn’t really familiar with. He immediately felt his irritation rise. 

“That I talked to Bruce. What else do you think it means?” He knew, talking to Dick like that would only rile him up further but he couldn’t help himself. His first defence had always been sarcasm.

“You can’t do that!”

“I think, I just did.” 

“I’m an adult! It’s none of his business what I do on a mission!”

“Hate to break it to you, Goldie, but it kinda is.”

Dick snorted. For the first time in probably ever, Jason didn’t think Dick was attractive. It shocked him a little, how such a beautiful face could look so repulsive.

“What did he say?” If Dick had put in any more sarcasm, the question would be overflowing with it. Jason decided to still answer it.

“That I should talk to you.” Dick snorted. It sounded angry. Good, Jason could handle anger. 

“Look,” he started “I understand why you did what you did, okay? I don’t have a leg to stand on here because I know what it’s like doing everything for the mission.”

“Do you now?”

“Yes. I died because of that, remember?” He hadn’t meant to bring it up. Truly. But now, he felt like it was the only thing that might ring through to Dick. And it did. Like Jason had hit him, he physically recoiled. 

“Jay-”

“I’m not saying it to- to hurt you- I just- you hurt me that night, Dick.”

“I know-” Dick breathed, hands crossing over his torso.

“I know, I hurt you. I didn’t think it through. I never thought you’d-”

“Care?”

“Yeah,” after a moment, he continued “I thought, maybe you’d be angry.”

“But not hurt.”

“No,” he breathed in deeply “If I even thought- Jay- I would have never…”

“Can you promise not to do it again?”

“Jay, I-”

“No. I’m not budging on this.”

“Is this supposed to be an ultimatum? I do it again, that’s it?”

“No. I’m just saying that I can’t- Dick I can’t handle that. Not- not with you.”

“Okay.” Jason was shocked. 

“Just like that?”

“Yes,” he looked up at Jason then, eyes wide and hopeful “I don’t want to lose you, Jay. I just- I got desperate, you know? I wanted this to end well so badly and I didn’t think-”

Dick stopped talking, squared his shoulders. 

“Do you want to give this a chance? Try again?” 

Jason was suddenly overwhelmed with an onslaught of emotions that his brain decided to throw at him. There was hope, fear, still anger, so much anger, but there was also a soft flutter of happiness that Dick wasn’t giving up on him just as much as Jason hadn’t given up on Dick either.

Distantly, he felt himself nodding.

* * *

The Duke texted Jason an address of a warehouse, demanding his assistance in making a deal with another crime-boss about a group of kids he was selling. Jason sensed the chance immediately. He knew that warehouse. The USB had information about it and architectural plans. If they played their cards well, they could take the Duke down.

A plan was quickly put together. Dick and Jason would go in together, while the other bats would wait a safe distance away to be back-up should it come to that. While suiting up, Dick mentioned wanting to have dinner again soon. Jason wasn’t sure, he was quite ready to dive into this again but he promised to think about it.

So far so good.

They arrived just in time, Dick’s suit had a new transmitter installed that would translate each word spoken directly to Tim. Dick just had to hide somewhere and listen in to the conversation and then, the bats would have enough proof to arrest the Duke with the whole legal system backing them up.

Jason walked in, a confident swagger in his step that wasn’t as much for show as he liked it to be.

He felt invincible.

Dick was in position, had just confirmed with him that the plan had green light.

The Duke greeted him with his usual slimy grin, they shook hands, wandered further into the warehouse.

“Before we start, there is something I would like to discuss.”

“Shoot,” Jason answered, smiling to himself.

“What a great cue.” Jason barely had time to react to those words, when he heard the commotion. Dick’s voice suddenly came from two different angles. Jason needed a moment to realise why that was the case.

Two guards dragged Dick into the room then. It took all his strength not to move, not to react. There was a gash down Dick’s side and he couldn’t stand straight without swaying a little.

“We found a pretty bird hiding in our warehouse and now we’re in a bit of a situation,” the Duke kept talking, thankfully ignorant to Jason’s inner break-down. His mind was going a mile per minute. The bats wouldn’t be fast enough if they decided to shoot Dick right now. He needed to stall, to get them some additional time. 

“And I’m suggesting, you take it off my hands.”

“What?” Jason hadn’t listened, too busy trying to figure out a plan. 

“There is a backroom. I would like for you to take our guest there and politely ask him what he knows about our business.”

The Duke was talking but the words didn’t make any sense.

“And if you feel like he is not being truthful,” someone pressed a gun into his hand, “feel free to shoot him.”

“I- I don’t-” Jason stuttered.

“Ah, I do remember you saying, you were not shooting bats on my behalf,” he tutted like he was talking to a child. 

“I told you, you would have to prove your loyalty when you started working for me didn’t I?”

Jason saw the moment the words rang through to Dick. His poker face was good, but not good enough to conceal the shock.

_“Now is the time to decide, which side you are on Hood.”_

  



	3. A Draw of Risks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: this one is short but intense. 
> 
> I hope, you enjoy it. If so, let me know. I appreciate every comment.

> _Who are you to judge me?_

_“Now is the time to decide, which side you are on Hood.”_

Tim immediately turned on the volume. There must have been a technical error. No way, he had just heard that freak say, Hood was working with them.

This was not possible.

  
Jason would never-

“What happened? Tim? Tim!” Bruce’ hold on his shoulder threatened to break the bone there. Tim didn’t even pay attention it. There were more important things.

“Tim!”

“Shut up!” A part of him winced at the word choice but the bigger part was way too tightly strung to worry. It seemed like all three of them were holding their breath. 

And then, the Duke’s voice rang loud and clear through the comm.

_“Take him to the backroom, Hood.”_

Tim stared at the monitor in front of him, frantically scanning the architectural plans for what would be considered a back room, when Bruce wrenched around his chair and forced him to look up. 

“What did you hear?” It was the Batman voice, the one all of them had practiced but never come close to perfecting. Tim still snapped taught whenever Bruce used it. 

“Jason-”

“What about him?” Tim didn’t want to. His heart felt like it would burst in his chest.

“He’s- the Duke wants him to bring Dick into the backroom to interrogate him.” He had no idea how he had managed to say that without looking away. It took a moment for the information to fully settle. When it did, Tim could blatantly read it on Bruce’ face. The utter devastation that took hold of Bruce’ features hurt on a level Tim couldn’t being to describe.

“Why?” That wasn’t Batman. Not one bit. That was only Bruce standing in front of him, pleading with him to apologise, say he heard it wrong. Tim wanted, so badly, to say it, to be wrong.

He couldn’t. 

“The Duke said, Jason’s working for him.” He couldn’t say Jason was working with them. Maybe they were wrong, maybe something else was going on. Even if it was only a minor difference, to Tim it counted. He would not believe this, unless he heard it from Jason himself.

When his eyes found Bruce, Tim’s stomach churned. 

Bruce’ entire face had lost its colour.

“I’m going in!” He was already in full gear when Tim turned his head.

“Wait,” he held up his hand, desperate to hear the rest of the conversation.

They couldn’t have been so blind, could they? 

“Tim!” 

“No! Wait it out! We need to hear what’s going on.”

Because he couldn’t believe it, didn’t _want_ to believe it. 

Jason wasn’t like that anymore. He was better. He wouldn’t betray them like that. 

Bruce clenched his fists but didn’t argue. Tim took it as a win. In that moment, they both ached to hear something that made them reconsider. Bruce even more than Tim.

 _Come on,_ he thought. Jason had to come through with _something_.

Some commotion was audible, then the shutting of a door.

_“We sure there’s no-”_

There was no what? The voice – one that Tim didn’t recognise – was trailing off. He couldn’t make out what they were saying until Dick made a protesting sound and the comm shut off entirely.

Silence filled the room. Tim and Bruce stared at each other, communicating without words what must have happened. 

“They found it,” Tim whispered, horrified “they know, we’re listening.”

“You’re staying here.”

“What?” No. He was ready. This was not fair- 

“You’re staying.” Bruce jumped out of the window, Damian in tow, before Tim could protest any further. He wanted to yell after them, to do something instead of being glued to this chair and unable to help. It still irritated him, made him anxious to sit it out.

Clear your head, his inner voice said sternly. Clear your head. They need you.

He fiddled with his control board until he got the right frequency to hack into Jason’s comms.

Come on, come on, come on.

This had to work. He had to _know._

Finally!

At first, only some cut-off noises made it through, but then he could make out voices.

* * *

“Stop struggling!” Jason bellowed. The goons dragging Dick through the halls had a tight grip on him but he still almost managed to fight them off. Every time he did, Jason had a minor heart attack. They would shoot Dick the second he got free. And that had to be avoided at all costs. He would tell Dick later.

There would be time to talk.

Everything was going to be fine. 

Dick would understand.

The only thing between Dick and his certain death was Jason. He just hoped, Dick would start to realise that soon.

His complete silence irked Jason beyond rational thought. Dick was always so quick with puns whenever he was captured. Why wasn’t he talking his mouth off?

“In there,” Jason directed, opening a door to let the two gorillas pass with Dick in tow. 

“Now, get out!” He needed them out of the way and fast because Dick looked like he was losing it. They regarded him with a sceptic glance but otherwise complied. Just when they were about to let go of Dick entirely, Dick whirled around.

Jason barely had time to process what was happening. On instinct, he threw himself forward, blocking the door with his entire body. Dick’s elbow connected hard with his head. Someehting crackled in his ear and he cursed. That had to have been his comms. Great. Now, the bats would have to go in blind with no help from either of them.

He blocked the next hit. Dick’s suit split open to reveal his shoulder. A thin layer of blood trickled down his arm. But Dick kept coming at him, not even concerned about his injury.

Before he knew it, Jason had a hand around Dick’s throat, not squeezing, just holding him there.

And Dick – for just a second – seized all movement.

It was quick, Jason had to give him that. Just a quick flash. But it was there. And Jason had caught it. Clear as day and twice as bright. He had seen that look before. Never directed at him, never. A flicker of fear. It was gone within a second, like it had never been there. But it had.

It had, and Jason had no idea why.

Dick should know right? He should know. After everything. He should know, Jason would never hurt him. Not really. Not if he could help it.

His hand dropped immediately, like the contact had burned his hand. He staggered back, opened his mouth to say something, to shake off that sucker punch to the gut that Dick’s expression had left him with. Before he could, Dick drew his hand back and threw himself at Jason. He didn’t reach him. The gorillas were on him, wrenching both his arms back so hard, Jason heard something pop.

“I’ve got this! Let me-” He had to stop them. Now. Because Dick was in serious pain. That much was obvious by the way his face had paled and his arm was hanging loosely by his side.

“Get the fuck out of here!” He yelled when the gorillas didn’t let go. This time, they didn’t step back as willingly as they had before.   
Jason huffed. He had really hoped to avoid this.

With his eyes still on Dick, Jason pulled out his gun, aiming at gorilla number one.

“Get out now, before I decorate the wall with your brain,” he was proud that his voice was steady when his insides were screaming at him to get some control back.

One gorilla shrugged at him, the other lingered for a moment. 

“It’s you head, man.”

Jason didn’t wait to puzzle out whatever the hell that was supposed to mean. He gestured at the door again, swinging his gun a little more than necessary.

“I don’t like an audience when I’m interrogating someone!”

“Whatever you say.” He would have to play it up better, Jason thought, if he wanted them to believe him. They evidently knew something was off.

Still, at least for now, he had a few minutes to come up with an idea. 

The door finally fell close. Silence spread in the room. 

Jason turned towards Dick to discuss the situation when he noticed, Dick was pressed to the wall, standing funny.

“Dick?” Unconsciously, he stepped closer.

“Listen,” he held up his hands to signal, he wasn’t dangerous, even though, he couldn’t imagine why Dick would think that.

“We don’t have long. I’m supposed to get you out of the way and go back in there.” 

Dick shifted around. Jason cursed his domino. If only he could see Dick’s eyes. 

“Your shoulder- did they…” he made a vague gesture that Dick didn’t seem to understand.

Actually, now that he thought about it, Dick behaved in a really odd way.

He kept staring straight ahead, without even glancing in Jason’s direction.

“Dick!” he bellowed, more bite in his tone than would have been necessary. He couldn’t help it; Dick’s behaviour was making the hairs on his neck rise. The sense of urgency came back full force.

They needed to hurry the fuck up or they would both lose their heads.

If the Duke even suspected, he wasn’t doing his job…

“Dick, I need you to listen to me…”

Dick nodded frantically, but didn’t answer. It worried him. So, so much. But he couldn’t concentrate on that right now. They didn’t have long.

“I promise- this isn’t what it looks like. I’m not working with them.” He was already pulling off his belt. Dick’s shoulder had to be popped back into place. Otherwise – bats or not – Dick would not get out of here in time – or in one piece.

“Stay still, I’m just- Dick! Stay still, I’m trying to help for fuck’s sake!”

Dick froze.

It registered as odd somewhere in his brain but the bloody patch on Dick’s shoulder demanded his attention.

“I’mma pop that back in, alright?” A nod. Jason counted to three, breathed in.

The sound of the shoulder popping back in was deafening. As was Dick’s sharp intake of breath.

Jason wanted to unhear it. He hated that fucking sound.

“You good?” Jason asked, voice a little shaky.

He didn’t get an answer, so he asked again “Dick- are you okay?”

“I’m going to leave in a minute, alright? I’m going to tell them, you only knew about this warehouse because you followed me here and had no idea what you walked into. The others should be on the way now. I think, Tim hacked himself into my comms, so, he should know where you are.”

He snapped his fingers in front of Dick’s face.

“Hey! Dick! Are you even listening?” 

“Yes,” Dick croaked. A huge part of Jason’s anxiety dropped in that moment. Thank fuck. For a minute there, he had really thought-

“You’re gonna be fine, okay? They won’t come in here for another few minutes. I’ll try to hold them off as long as I can.”

“Okay.”

“I’ll be at the cave. I promise.” Jason stood, not because he wanted but because he had to. If he didn’t leave now, it wouldn’t happen. Ever.

“You’re leaving.” It wasn’t really a question but Jason felt like he should answer anyway. Something about the way Dick was behaving was so odd. He refused to let himself freak out about it. 

“I have to. You know, I have to,” Dick didn’t say anything else. Jason felt awful. He knew, Dick was hurt and that all of this was his fault but he had to leave _now_.

“I’m going to distract them, so they can get to you without being interrupted, okay?”

“Yes.”

“I’m sorry, Dick. I promise. It’s all gonna be okay.”

“Yes.”

Dick’s monosyllabic answers were getting to Jason.

“It’s all good, Dickie, right? You believe, I’m not working with them. You believe me.”

The hesitation was minute but, like every other irritating behaviour from Dick today, it was there. Then, finally, Dick nodded, said “yes” before rolling his shoulder.

Jason took it for what it was worth. 

They didn’t have _time_.

* * *

The wall was cold at his back. Dick, somewhere in his head, realised that he shouldn’t be able to feel that. But he did while he slithered down, leaned against it.

The pain in his shoulder was starting to ease a little.

Dick wished, it wouldn’t.

It would have distracted him until the cavalry arrived.

In the corridor outside the room, he thought, he had heard some commotion but he couldn’t really tell.

His heart was racing in his chest, even though, he wasn’t doing anything that would warrant it to.

He felt around his neck for a bruise that wasn’t there.

In his head, a great vacuum had consumed each and every coherent thought.

Since the moment, everything had gone to shit, he hadn’t been able to make sense of the chaos that was in there. His thoughts continuously circle back to Jason.

_Jason._

It always came back to Jason.

Every interaction, every conversation, every kiss.

It was all different now.

He wished, Bruce would hurry up. He wanted to get out of here, to just bring some distance between himself and this place.

He couldn’t be here.

“Dick?”

It was a testimony of his being distracted so thoroughly that he had missed Bruce and Damian breaking in. 

“Are you-” Bruce didn’t have to finish the question because his eyes caught sight of the bloodstain on his suit. It had been an accident, Dick was sure.

Jason hadn’t meant-

Had he?

“Grayson!” Damian snapped at him from the side. Dick turned his head, slowly waking up from his stupor.

“We need to get you out of here.”

Dick heaved himself off the ground, reaching for Bruce when he stumbled. In any other situation, he would have berated himself for being so weak.

Not now.

The whole situation felt off. Like he was running on auto-pilot.

He wasn’t really there.

“Come on!” He had no idea how Bruce had known just when to come in. He didn’t care. A part of him wanted to search Jason, wanted to demand answers, he was sure he didn’t actually want to hear.

A second hand steadies his side. Damian huffed when he looked at him questioningly.

“You are injured,” was the only explanation he gave.

“Can you manage?” Bruce asked when they reached the opposite wall. Dick worried for a moment, that his head had gotten injured too and he couldn’t remember because there was a whole in the wall that must have been caused by an explosion he evidently hadn’t heard. 

“Dick!” Bruce’ voice was tight.

Right. 

They didn’t have time. 

Jason had said the same thing.

No.

No.

He couldn’t think about Jason now. Not now.

“I can manage,” he said, wincing at the sound of his own voice.

Damian was half-way down on the ground already before Dick even started the climb. His shoulder screamed in protest but he ignored it. There were more important things than an injured shoulder.

If only he could get something for the pain.

His chest still felt like there was a gaping hole in it.

Also, his heart seemed to be missing.

* * *

“Ah, have you taken care of our guest?” Jason forced himself to pay close attention to everything around him. If there was any indication whatsoever that something was off, he needed an exit strategy. And a good one at that. 

Thin ice, he reminded himself. 

“Didn’t have much to say,” Jason huffed like he was annoyed.

“No? I would have imagined…” the Duke trailed off, seemingly mulling it over. Jason interjected before he could give it any real thought. The Duke wasn’t stupid. The more time he had to contemplate, the closer he could get to the truth. Which Jason would have to stop from happening as best as he could.

“Followed me here. Thought I was onto something and decided it’d be a great idea to tag along.”

“Which you didn’t realise?” 

“Do I look like an idiot?” he barked out, chuckling for good measure “If I’d known, he’d be so stupid to follow me here, I’d have put a bullet through his head way earlier. Like I’d let him barge in here.”

“I’m glad to hear you are finally being sensible about the bat issue.”

“Man, I could tell you stories about them…” The Duke smiled at him. It wasn’t any less cringy than the ones before, but this one felt more genuine. Still, Jason wasn’t about to trust things were working out until he saw it with his own eyes.

“That will not be necessary. I am well aware of their questionable charm.” Jason rolled his eyes, once more eternally grateful for his helmet. Sure, they were absolute nuisances but somewhere, deep down, they were family. Not that he would ever – even under threat of his life – say that out loud.

“I do have some more business to attend to, but, before I leave you to it, I have one more thing, I would like to discuss.”

Jason’s whole body instantly snapped taught with tension. He forced himself to relax.

“There is going to be two shipments in the next week. I need a new set of arms guns for my staff. I trust you, to make the right choice.”

He’d always prefer a solid rifle but then again, not everyone was easy like him. He would have to look into it.

“Someone will get in touch with you to discuss further details,” the Duke turned around towards the table Jason hadn’t even seen because his mind was working a mile per minute.

“There is a warehouse at the docks where I keep most of my- let’s say goods- and I would like for you to deliver on Thursday at the latest.”

Jason nodded, insides almost exploding with excitement. Address. He had an address of where the Duke was bringing the kids.

_He had a lead._

* * *

Tim had packed up their stuff in the matter of minutes, once he had heard Jason bark out an order at Dick. 

“Stop struggling.” There was no other way to interpret that sentence, nothing that could be argued about. He stood behind his decision to wait before sending Bruce. He had needed clarification, and now, he had seemingly gotten it.

Although, he had to admit, up until Dick had probably made a run for it, nothing Jason had said had been aggressive towards him. At least up until the point, where something had shut off Jason’s comms as well. If Tim gave him the reason of the doubt, Jason might have tried to stop whoever was with them from shooting Dick.

If not, if Jason was really working with them, Tim had no idea what to do.

Dick would be devastated. Bruce would curl in on himself again. Alfred- God, he didn’t even want to consider breaking the news to Alfred. 

How were they supposed to cope with that?

After everything Jason had done the last years to show them how he was working on himself. He had been better. This made no sense. Tim would have even said, Jason was almost sane again.

He had had a good grip on his rages, even before Dick had come into the picture.

There had been more than one memorable occasion, when Tim and Jason had teamed up rather successfully. Tim could appreciate the raw force that was Jason in combat. And he was quite the strategist too, if he kept his head long enough to actually think things through.

Maybe that was what was nagging Tim. He was on the way to the manor but his heart wouldn’t settle. He had trusted Jason. Blindly almost. Because, to Tim, it had been clear how involved Jason was, not only with the case but with Dick. 

There was no reason, why Jason would risk that.

Still, what he had heard was hard to explain away.

If only, he had been there. Maybe he could have talked to Jason.

_If only…_

* * *

Jason reached the manor in under thirty minutes. It was record time, even for him, but he had to know if Dick was okay. Surely, he hadn’t hurt him too badly. It shouldn’t have taken them long to get Dick the hell out of there.

And now that the cards were on the table, it was high time they made a move. It would take the Duke approximately fifteen minutes – at most – after his departure to figure out that Dick was not only alive and well, but also not there anymore. And when he came collecting, Jason did not want to be present. Not when his own head was at stake as well. The bat cave should do nicely as a head quarter.

And with the information Jason had gathered, they could take down the Duke together, easy as pie.

He just needed to clear all of this up first.

To his surprise, the hidden entrance didn’t open right away. He actually had to use his decoding program to get the password right.

Strange.

He walked into the cave, helmet under one arm and shivering a little because the adrenaline rush was just dying down.

“What do you think, you are doing here, Todd?” Jason whirled around, caught off guard by the question as much as the tone. He had heard that tone before. And it had ended with the demon spawn trying to slice into him like a filet steak. Needless to say, he wasn’t particularly fond of it. 

“Where’s Dick?” His pulse started to quicken again. Had something happened while they rescued him? Did he get hurt? 

“I asked you a question. Do not make me repeat myself.” Oh, he would love to say “or what” just to get a rise out of the demon spawn, but he refrained. There were more important things than provoking Damian’s ego. 

“I don’t have time for this. Where’s Dick?” he tried shoving past the mini-Bruce to get to the door, when it opened to reveal the rest of the bats. 

Jason had a bizarre thought then. It almost looked like Bruce and Tim were shielding-

No.

Don’t be an idiot.

Why would they? 

The sickening feeling in the pit of his stomach was back, like an uncomfortable pull. It spoke of impending doom.

“I got some new info,” Jason powered on, despite the weird atmosphere in the cave. He attempted to pass them and walk towards the computer, when Bruce blocked his way.

“What are you doing?” he tried moving past them again, but was physically shoved back by Bruce. Instantly, his hackles rose.

“Come on! Let me through! This is ridiculous! What-”

“You’re working with them!”

“I’m not working with them- let me through!” Were they nuts? He had made it perfectly clear what was going on right then and there. How did they think Dick had gotten out of there alive? 

“You didn’t deny it! I heard you over the comms!” They had to be fucking with him. They had to be. There was no way, they really believed, he had been serious. 

“What was I supposed to do? I was trying to get Dick out of there!” A flash of his bone-deep fear from that moment overwhelmed him for a second. He tried to shake it off, return to the present. 

“That was before!”

“Come on! You’re not seriously-” But they were. They were serious. Why? He didn’t get it.

This was not according to plan. He had to explain and do it fast because if they believed he was working with the Duke…

It took a minute for him to realise that they thought, he was the bad guy here.

He paused, hands up to show he wouldn’t harm them. He had that sickening feeling in his stomach, of impending doom. He listened to it. This time. Because the one time he had felt it before, with this intensity, he hadn’t listened. It had been the biggest mistake he would ever make. He had learned, after that, to never ignore a gut feeling. And he wasn’t about to now.

“I am _not_ working with them,” he emphasised with growing desperation, “I went in there to take him down, that’s all!”

“Is it?” Dick asked. It was the first thing he had said since Jason’s arrival. His voice lacked emotion. The sound chilled Jason to the bone.

“Yes! Fuck- don’t you see? If I hadn’t played his game, he’d have shot you! I couldn’t let that happen, so I played his game. But that’s all!” 

“You left me in there.”

“So you could make a run for it!”

“You left me.”

“For fuck’s sake! I was trying to help!”

“By leaving him to fend for himself?” Tim cut in, eyes narrowed.

“Yes!” No. But he had been in panic mode and had seen no other way. Something occurred to him, that made his heart ache in his chest.

“You said you believed me,” he mumbled, “when I left- you said-”

With a sharp twist in his chest, he realised “you lied?”

“Of course, I said that. You had a gun with you.”

Dick was _afraid_ of him.

Dick was afraid.

Of him.

No.

No, no, no, no. 

“Dick- I swear- I know this looks bad but, I promise- this isn’t-” in his haste, he couldn’t get the words out right. 

“What it looks like?” Tim spoke up again. He sounded disappointed. Jason recoiled. 

“No! It’s not- I was-”

But Bruce was evidently not interested in an explanation. He crowded Jason against the wall and spat out. 

“Is that why you agreed to work with us? So that you can feed them intel?”

“No-” the demon spawn snarled to his left. Jason had forgotten he was there.

“You hurt Grayson! We all saw the injury! You left him with them!” He opened his mouth to defend himself, when another accusation was thrown at him.

“You were working with them all along, weren’t you? This was all a ruse so you could take over Gotham! You haven’t changed a bit!”

Jason stepped back. This wasn’t fair. He had worked so hard to be better, to become someone, he could look at in the mirror. For Bruce to say that, hit on another level. 

“I was doing it my own way! I knew what was going on and I took the job to end him! I didn’t know, you were on the case until Dick told me! I was just trying to-”

“To get intel from us,” the batbrat spat out, “you were spying on us! And now, we have caught you.”

“Listen!” he bellowed “listen, I know how this looks, okay? I know but you need to trust me, I-”

“ _Trust you?”_ Bruce asked, voice cutting “I did trust you, despite knowing I shouldn’t.”

Jason braced himself. He knew, deep in his core, what Bruce would say next. 

And he did, with finality.

“You just proved to me that you don’t deserve to be trusted.”

His vision whitened out for a second. He bit back on the pain unfurling in his chest. When he opened his eyes, he saw Dick’s face. The expression he saw there made him grasp for something to say. If Bruce didn’t believe him, fine, he could live with that.

But Dick? 

Dick was another matter.

He couldn’t lose Dick.

“Dick? Dick, look at me…” There was a tremor in his voice that he desperately hoped nobody had picked up on. 

But Dick shook his head, eyes on the ground. It was the precise moment Jason’s heart plummeted.

“Dick- I can explain- just-” 

“You should go.” Bruce said, without any inflection, his voice flat, more warning than anything else.

“ _Please_ -” He hated pleading, hated even asking, but for Dick to just look at him, to listen, to believe him, he would do anything. He would give him anything, everything, if only-

“Just go…” Dick mumbled, still not looking at him. It was a dismissal. And Jason took it as such.

That’s what you get, he reminded himself when he walked out of the cave.   
  


_That’s what you get for caring._


	4. A Bring-In Gamble

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Buck up, painful road ahead.

> _I was prepared._
> 
> _But it still hurt._

It didn’t hurt like a kick in the teeth. No. Hurt was not the right word for it. He had never felt quite like this before. And shouldn’t he be used to it? To being treated like that? Thrown aside?

It shouldn’t matter that they believed the lies so easily, so readily. He should walk away, should not care. But the truth, the one he never wanted to face, was that he did care, that it did hurt and that it was almost too much.

He didn’t remember how far into the city he made it before he noticed that his heart was racing. In his head, he counted down from a hundred, to give himself something to do. It didn’t work. He barely reached his safehouse before his vision whited out.

An hour later, he came to, breathing hard. His hands were shaking when he pulled himself to his feet. The entirety of his body was cold, freezing even. Without having to think much about it, he got into the shower, turned up the heat as far it would go and just sat there, letting the water cascade over him. The noise calmed him a little, made the voice in his head shut up for a minute.

Every bad thing that had ever happened to him came rushing back, fought against the barrier in his head with vicious force. He needed to keep his head. If he lost to those thoughts, he would lose control over himself. 

The past few years hadn’t been a walk in the park. But, after some lengthy discussions, mostly with himself, he had finally gathered enough courage to see a therapist. Sure, see was probably the wrong word as their meetings had happened over the phone but still. After that, seeing an episode coming and actively working against it had become easier. He was no expert by any means, but he managed.

Which was precisely how he knew, in his core, that he was slithering right into a pit episode. The shower had only helped to an extent. He put on some classical music, hoping that his heart rate would slow and his mind would relax. It didn’t.

He realised, half-way through pulling his hair out of his head, that it wasn’t working. His skin crawled. His hands shook. He had to bite down on his lip to keep from screaming in frustration.

He couldn’t lose it. Not now.

He had a lead, goddamn it. The thought momentarily eased his breathing.

But then, just when he thought the pain had subsided even a little, another way hit him straight in the chest. He coiled in on himself, curled up against the pillow he was still pressing to his face. It hurt so badly. He just wanted it to stop. The bed under him was still too cold. It reminded him of his childhood, of those nights spent alone when his mother was out working.

It went downhill from there.

The explosion came next, that hallow feeling of absolute certainty that he was about to die. He remembered how he had pleaded for his life, how he had screamed for Bruce – for anyone – to come save him. The pain still tasted iron on his tongue. It was never far away, that memory, always there to remind him what abandonment felt like. The pit burned inside him with acid ferocity.

He still couldn’t fully remember what had happened under its influence. Bits and pieces were dark and he was almost glad not see what he had done.

Another shockwave of pain and tears and more pain rolled over him. He shivered, screamed himself hoarse.

It felt like he was stuck in a room with all the choices he had made staring back at him from the walls. He couldn’t help but wonder if there was any of him let.

Of before.

Of that stupid, irrational kid that was too loyal for his own good.

Maybe all of that had vanished just like the rest of him had.

Maybe that would be better than all this pain.

* * *

It was cold. Why was it so cold?

He thought, he remembered turning up the heating earlier. 

What day was it?

How long had he slept? 

The room was still dark, so, it must be night, he figured. 

He was freezing under the blanket, toes blocks of ice and immovable. He shivered again, curling in on himself.

A nightmare, he reminded himself.

It was a nightmare. Nothing happened.

He was in his safehouse, miles away from where his heart had shattered.

Distance. A safe distance away.

It was alright.

He contemplated getting up to take a shower but decided against it, too tired to move. If only he could get a little warmer somehow. He refused opening his eyes, his lids too heavy to flutter.

Unbidden memories took hold of him again, made his body tremble with sobs.

Dick’s face drifted in and out of view. He wished, he could unsee that expression, that look of utter betrayal. He pressed his pillow against his mouth, trying to suffocate his howls of pain.

He didn’t want to cry anymore. It hurt too much.

Make it stop, he prayed while begging for the unconsciousness to take him once again.

_Make it stop!_

* * *

The nights came and went with their darkness that Jason tried desperately to drown himself in. On the fourth night, he sat up in bed, still shaking from another nightmare, and felt something inside him start to build.

The pain hadn’t fallen off like it was supposed to. No. The problem was that it was still there, but it had changed. It had changed to something much darker, much more dangerous. And somewhere in his head, he heard a voice, not unlike Roy’s, reminding him that anger was better than tears, better than grief, better than guilt.

It wasn’t a conscious decision he made.

He just let go.

And what emerged, once he did, was something he was entirely too familiar with.

It burned in its intensity, made his blood boil like it hadn’t in a long time. He greeted it, like an old friend almost, who would pull him out of this black pool of misery.

He let it hit him, not blocking, not fighting it anymore. And when it came, he was engulfed by it wholly.

_Rage._

* * *

“Richard!” Huh. When had Damian come into his room? 

“I asked if you wanted to train with me.”

“Why?” He was so tired. If only he could continue to sleep for a while. The nightmares kept coming with cruel regularity. Jason’s face when he had pleaded with Dick to listen.

No. 

He couldn’t let himself think about it. Not when he meant nothing to Jason.

“I need a partner and Drake is- insufficient.”

“Okay.” Maybe it would make him feel better. 

Damian had to ask him twice more to follow when Dick drifted off again.

He was so cold.

It also turned out that training was as bad of an idea as it could get. Four times, Damian put him on his back before Dick called for a break. It wasn’t only that his concentration kept slipping. It was that the pain from getting hit still felt better than the one in his chest.

Damian stomped away, muttering something about incompetence and how Dick was wasting his time. Dick didn’t get up from the floor. While staring at the ceiling, letting himself be blinded by the lights, his mind decided to show him Jason’s face when Dick had kissed him. 

How could Jason be so good a liar? 

Dick had believed him. The confusion, the blatant fear in his eyes when Dick had pulled back, it had felt so real.  
Would Jason really do this to him just for information?

No.

Not if the Jason Dick had learned to love over the last years was real. But it didn’t make sense. Why would the Duke say Jason was working with him if it wasn’t true? He had nothing to gain from it, nothing at all. And the gorillas had known Jason as well.

Another image suddenly overwhelmed him.

Jason’s face when Bruce had said he couldn’t be trusted had burned itself into Dick’s memory. He thought back to when Jason had left and remembered with a sting to his side, how his eyes had instantly lost their glimmer. They had been so carefully blank, so devoid of any emotion.

Almost like a corpse.

He hated himself instantly for thinking it, for making such a gross comparison. On the bed, he curled in on himself, wanting to just shut it all out.

The thought remained.

* * *

Tim had his hands crossed on the table and his face resting on them. Sleep was just around the corner. He could almost feel it, while his eyes closed on their own accord.

Or, at least, that’s what he thought. Because the second he relaxed, Damian stomped into the room, huffing and puffing and evidently very upset about something Tim didn’t give two shits about.

“Do something!” “What?” he had been so close to falling asleep for a quick nap.

“I demand you do something.” Sure. Anything else while they were at it? Should he make the crown prince breakfast too? 

“Damian! You’re not making sense and I’m not in the mood to listen to your whining.”

“I am not whining.” Said he while whining, Tim thought but didn’t say. He had learned interactions like this would be over quicker, if he didn’t. Still, he couldn’t quite keep from commenting. 

“That’s so beside the point!”

Damian ignored him to come straight to the point.

“I trained with Richard.”

“Good for you.” He was silently glad that that meant he wouldn’t have to train with Damian today. He really wasn’t in the mood. 

“He is obnoxious.”

Tim chuckled.

“Tell me something new.”

Damian looked like he wanted to pull out a sword and decapitate him just to prove he could. It was the precise moment, Tim realised he was being serious. He made a note to sit up straighter to signal, he was listening.

“What happened?” he tried for softer this time and Damian, after huffing like it was the biggest chore in the world – not that the brat even knew what a chore was – explained.

“He did not fight back. He let me hurt him without any reaction. He is still laying on the mat staring at the ceiling and mumbling nonsense.” That was a little worrisome, however, not entirely unexpected. He knew Dick well after all.

“What did you expect? He thinks Jason used him to get information out of us. How would you feel?” Idiotic question, Tim knew. Like Damian would ever be emphatic enough to understand any of this. 

“Tt-tt. I do not participate in any of this so-called courting process.”

No. Why would he?

“Also, what is it with this thinks nonsense?” 

“Hm?” Tim had, admittedly, not paid attention. He was too deep in thoughts. 

“You said: Richard _thinks_ Todd used him.” He meant that something was off. Tim could almost taste it in the air. It was at the tip of his tongue; he just had to reach for it.

“I just don’t see why Jason would do that. To Dick.”

“There is no why. Todd has always been volatile.” Damian dismissed Tim’s input without further thought. 

“Still. This doesn’t sit right with me.”

It hadn’t from the beginning. Jason was many things, but idiot was not one of them. Not one thing happening right now reminded Tim of Jason. Rather the opposite. The times he had worked with the Red Hood had taught him his modus operandi better than any batfootage could. Jason’s temper, as violent as it may be, was never pointless. He didn’t rip people apart for the fun of it.

And how could he?

After what had happened to him, he had turned into the biggest advocate for justice Tim had ever seen. It was just that his sense of justice and theirs didn’t necessarily align. 

What irked him the most, however, was Dick’s complete lack of reaction. Richard Grayson had never been one to give up on anyone. Yet, when Bruce had accused Jason, Dick had remained borderline silent.

Tim couldn’t wrap his head around it.

He had watched Dick cling to and literally stalk Jason for half a year before even talking to him once. If that wasn’t desperate, he didn’t know what was. To throw him out like that, without looking at him, didn’t sit right with Tim. Not when he had seen the way Jason behaved around Dick.

There was a softness to his demeanour, a gentleness in his words. It was a give. Something that no other bat had accomplished since Jason had clawed himself back to life. Tim had watched, silently impressed, how Jason had relaxed around Dick, how his body had lost some of the ever-present tension in his shoulders, how the haunted look hadn’t passed but had lessened.

And for Dick to dismiss him so easily, so readily, was unfair.

“Dick? Can I talk to you?”

It may not be a good idea, to get involved, but he couldn’t get the expression on Jason’s face, when Dick had told him to go, out of his head. In the span of a second, a wall had come up and had erased each and every trace the last few months had left on him.

* * *

Dick woke up in the middle of the night, shivering and clutching for his pillow. It still smelled like him, Dick imagined. The hoodie he had pulled over it still held his scent.  
Dick didn’t know why he refused to accept that the smell was fading.

If he believed hard enough, he could almost taste Jason’s skin again.

A violent shiver wrecked his body.

He wasn’t allowed to miss him. He couldn’t miss someone who had used him.

 _Jason doesn’t love you_ , that voice in his head reminded him.

_He doesn’t love you and he never will._

_He doesn’t want you.  
_

_How could he want you?_

_He used you!_

_That’s all you’re good for anyway._

_He was probably disgusted by your constant needy-_

A sharp pain in his lip made him gasp. Blood dripped down his chin. He wiped it away.

For but a moment, his fingers itched to rip the hoodie he was still clinging to apart. He couldn’t bring himself to do it. 

_You’re pathetic, the voice mocked him._

_You mean nothing to him and yet you cling to his hoodie like it’s your lifeline!  
_

It was right, the voice was right. He shouldn’t even have it, should have thrown it away. But he couldn’t. He knew, Jason had used him and yet, he couldn’t really let go of him.

_Jason._

Even thinking his name hurt.

It was always Jason.

He was all Dick had wanted. 

All he still wanted.

Despite knowing what he knew, despite being betrayed so thoroughly, the only thought on Dick’s mind was for Jason to come back, to talk to him.

Maybe, they could talk it out, maybe Dick could be better, make Jason want him. He made himself small, holding onto himself while tremors made him shake under the blanket. In his mind, a litany of his biggest wish played on a loop.

_Come back, Little Wing._

_Please, come back…_

* * *

The key in hand, Roy opened the door to the safehouse. Sure, it wasn’t technically his but Jason had more or less invited him to stay. Non-verbally and with a shoulder shrug but still.

“Jaaaay, I’m home, honey,” he yelled while dropping his duffle. God, he was exhausted. Thank fuck, his mission hadn’t lasted longer. He would have keeled right over.

“Jay?” No answer. He must be out then. Not an unusual occurrence.

Roy walked into the living room then.

And almost fell over. 

This was chaos. Utter chaos. Holy shit.

The furniture, the window, the walls, it was all trashed. Like someone had– fucking shit.

He instantly recognised what that damage looked like. But, just to make sure – and because he didn’t want to believe it – he ran into Jason’s bedroom. It looked even worse than the living room. There was blood on the sheets and splinters of wood on the pillow. Jason must have pulled them out of his fists after smashing the cabinet. That he even had had the mental capacity to do so, gave Roy a little hope. But it was almost immediately squashed when he noticed the bloody clothes in the sink.

That was too much blood for it having come from Jason. 

Finding them cemented what he had already known after seeing the state of the apartment. 

Something had happened to make Jason give in. Roy felt his heart racing in his chest. A shrill ringing sound deafened him for a moment or two.

He had only had to deal with this once before and it had almost cost him his head. Jason had come at him after a mission that had gone south. Roy recalled Jason’s behaviour from that day vividly. Jason had been the epitome of destructive energy, completely blinded by rage.

The mission – he suddenly remembered – Jason working with the bats. This was beyond not good. If something happened with the bats, this would become an even bigger problem. He had known, from the start, that this was a bad idea. For god’s sake, why did Jason always have to get tangled up in their messes? Even though, he had no idea what had occurred between them, the extent of the damage spoke volumes.

He knew what it meant.

Jason was out there and under the complete influence of the pit.

* * *

_“Roy?”_ Dick’s expression – bulging eyes, faint flush – would have been hilarious under different circumstances. 

“What are you doing here?”

“Well, I’d tell you that if you would let me in!” He was not in the mood for pretend small talk. Like Dick didn’t know something had happened. 

“Of course.” Dick stepped aside, still looking confused but Roy detected a hint of suspicion too, like he had a fleeting idea of what this was about.

“Get the rest of the bats in here too while you’re at it.” 

“Bruce isn’t here.”

“Good. Might be better if I don’t see him.” Usually, it was Bruce that made Jason the most aggressive. Wouldn’t be a surprise if he had caused this mayhem.

“What’s going on?” Ah. Tim. Insomniac and he looked it. And the miniature Bruce hot on his heels.

Roy squared his shoulders, breathed in deeply.

“You listen up and you listen good. Because if I have to repeat myself, it’s not gonna be pretty.”

The kid made a hand gesture that translated as “continue”. 

“I don’t know what the fuck happened but his safehouse is trashed, his phones are off and he hasn’t been home for a week.”

“Who exactly are we talking about?” Roy scoffed. Really now? Were they this dumb or did they just play it up for his benefit?

“Who the fuck do you think?”

“Jason.” Dick spoke up. Roy noticed, he looked exhausted. He didn’t recall if Dick’s face had ever been this pale, the bags under his eyes that pronounced.

“So, since I know that it’s not like him to just up and leave, something obviously happened that made him snap. And I want to know what.”

They exchanged a not-subtle at all glance. Roy felt his heart speed up. Maybe a little more coercion was in order.

“I have no problem shooting either of you right in the head if you don’t tell me.”

“We had a-” the kid hesitated.

“A what?”

“A falling out.”

“Nope.”

“What?”

“Nope. I call bullshit. After a falling out, he gets into his piss poor moods, throws around some insults and then downs his liquor cabinet. What he does not do is disappear. So, why don’t we try this again: what happened?”

All three of them exchanged uncomfortable glances. He was on the right track then.

“I don’t have all day.”

“There was a- a situation.”

“A situation.” He was not impressed to say the least. Were they trying to rile him up? Didn’t they realise just how dire this situation was if Jason was missing. But then again, Roy contemplated, maybe they didn’t know. Jason wouldn’t have told them what it was like when he got into his own head. He probably wouldn’t have told them that the pit always simmered just beneath the surface.

Hell, Roy only knew because Jason had taken a more than a swing at him that one time when things had gotten really bad after a mission. 

He re-directed his attention back at the bats. And then, Dick explained what had occurred on that godforsaken mission Roy had been so sceptic about in the first place.

“Thank God, then, that none of you ever think things through all the way before throwing around accusations like that,” he exploded once they were done. 

“What are you implying?”

“I’m not implying anything, dude! I’m literally straight up telling you that you have made a colossal mistake!” He couldn’t believe this. Was this what Jason had to deal with? No wonder, the guy was so snippy all the time.

“Elaborate.”

He was going to hit the kid. Mark his words. Suddenly, Jason’s desire to kill off any boy wonder in red became much more understandable.

“He’s not the bad guy!” he yelled at Tim “He _pretended_ to work with the Duke to stop this madness from happening! There are kids involved! You don’t risk kids to save your own ass!”

“And why would you care, Harper?” the demon spawn. Of course. With a voice that grating, Roy could vividly see the vein at Jason’s temple pulsate.

“He’s my friend!”

“He’s your friend?” Was it really that surprising that someone was friends with Jason? Did they dislike him so much?

“Yeah. Now, if you’ll excuse me! I have to find him because you lot are so far up your own asses, it would be ridiculous if it weren’t so pathetic.”

“Wait!” Dick. Of course. Why wasn’t he surprised?

“Can I- can I talk to you for a second?”

“If it’s a short second,” he muttered but let himself be pulled into a smaller room.

“Tell me?”

“Tell you what?”

“From the beginning. I need-” Dick seemed to struggled with himself “I need to hear…”

“Why?”

To see the Gotham’s golden boy ashamed was a sight to behold.

“I’m not budging on this one. Either you tell me, why you need to know, or I’mma walk right back out.”

He did know, of course, but he wanted to hear what Dick had to say about Jason and their relationship. If you could call it that.

“I messed up.” Yeah. Big fucking news. Seriously, did Roy look like an idiot? 

“How?” This was going about as well as pulling teeth without anaesthetics. 

“He tried to explain- a week ago there was an incident. I got captured and the Duke- he said Jason was working with them.”

Shit. That made an awful lot of sense. Roy had a feeling, he knew where this was going. And he didn’t like it one bit. 

“And?” He almost didn’t want to ask. 

“He told me, he wasn’t really working with them while we were there.” Seemed plain and simply to Roy, but of course, it was anything but. 

“And?” he asked once again when Dick made no attempt to continue.

“I didn’t believe him.”

He needed a moment to let that settle in. When it did, he felt a sharp tug in his stomach. He could vividly imagine what that would have done to Jason. Jason who was so love sick, so damn gone for that idiot.

“Why?” It was so incredibly hard to keep the judgmental edge out of his voice. If it had been anyone else, he wouldn’t have bothered. But something in the way Dick was behaving gave him hope. 

“I- it made sense,” he looked at Roy like Roy knew what the hell he was talking about.

Since he didn’t, he said “How on earth does that make sense?”

Dick didn’t look affronted. That insecurity was back on his face instead.

“He didn’t want to…” the last part of the sentence was mumbled so quietly that Roy couldn’t make sense of it.

“To what?”

“To have sex.”

“So what? He’s just not ready.” They couldn’t all be like Dick after all. Although, Roy suspected that Dick had an unhealthy relationship with sex himself. If Jason wanting to take it slow made him that insecure, there had to be underlaying issues there. God, someone should pay him for his efforts. It was like he was the resident therapist. 

“You know?”

“Yeah? I mean- ‘s not like we talked about it much but I always got the feeling, he wasn’t ready to do anything because it makes him too vulnerable.”

Dick’s expression told Roy all there was to know.

“You thought, he was using you.” It was so simple, so typically Dick. And at the same time, it verged on unforgivable.

“You thought, he was using you for intel. You thought, he was just playing it up so you’d fall for him to get info from you to feed it to the Duke.” 

“Yes.” Roy could see just how badly that admission must hurt Dick. Good. He deserved it for thinking that. He suspected that the situation had played right upon Dick’s worst fears but that still didn’t make him side with him on this. Jason deserved fucking better. And now, he was gone and they had no idea where he was or if he was okay. Building him back up again after this would be a herculean task.

“You know what, Dick? The only reason I’m not beating you up right now is because you’re doing a fine enough job of that on your own.” 

Dick, for reasons Roy could imagine, had no answer to that. 

“I didn’t think you’d be like that,” Roy continued. He didn’t know where that disappointment came from but it tasted bitter in his mouth. 

“You meant so much to him…”

“Meant.” Dick repeated, head low, “meaning not anymore.”

“I don’t know man,” he answered honestly. If it were him, he that would have been a hard no. But Jason- Jason had always been different. Roy couldn’t remember him ever falling in love, or even liking someone enough to give a relationship a try. He figured, Dick hadn’t realised how special he was for Jason to willingly break his own heart.

“I need to try…” Dick mumbled, more to himself that to Roy. 

“Try what?”

“To find him.”

“Why? So, you can apologise?” 

“No.” 

“Then why, Dick?”

“Because he deserves to know that I was wrong.”

“Good answer.” It was. Because Roy suddenly felt like this wasn’t about Dick’s conscience. This was about Jason. And easing his pain. Nothing more. Roy respected that.

“Do you-” Dick scratched his head, a gesture Roy interpreted as shyness or embarrassment.

“Do you think you can help me find him?”

“If I could, I would hardly have come here,” Roy scoffed “if Jason really wants to disappear, he does. There’s no finding him if he doesn’t want you to.”

For a second, hopelessness washed over Dick’s face. It was quickly replaced by another emotion, one that Roy hadn’t quite seen on Dick before with this intensity.

“Well, then I’m going on patrol. And if I have to crawl into every last sewer to find him, I will.”

Determination. That’s what it was. Steeled determination.

Interesting. 

Maybe they did have a shot. Jason and Dick. After all, Dick seemed to have realised that Jason was worthy of Dick’s affection, that he was a good guy.

He didn’t want to hope just yet though. If Jason had given in to the pit, there was no way to know what he would do. 

Not that he was about to tell Dick that.

* * *

He hadn’t made a stop at his safehouse for 24 hours and he wasn’t about to now. Not after what happened. He couldn’t face the mess he had made. The pit was still too prominent in his head. It yearned for something to do, someone to hurt.

It didn’t take long for him to find a target. He was so far beyond trying to control himself that it came easy, like he had never stopped.

Somewhere, in his head, buried under the rage and the madness and the thrill from it all, a small voice piped up, reminded him how hard he worked to stop. He ignored it, let it slide off like it was nothing. He didn’t care anymore. Not when the pit took the pain from him and replaced it with something so much more potent.

His fingers itched to hurt, to rip apart.

A cocktail of blood and smoke and rage filled his nostrils, made him heady. He lost himself to the sensation, succumbed to the darkness he had abstained from for so long. He could taste the fear in the air and relished it. The power it gave him made him tremble, made him shake.

The most satisfying noise exploded in his ear. A neck snapping, flesh being torn apart, screams of agony.

A blade cut his leg. He couldn’t feel it – didn’t care.

Nothing could slow him down, nothing could harm him.

Not really.

Not with the pit shining in his eyes and its strength cursing through his veins.

He didn’t realise until long after that his win over whoever he had killed had cost him a lot more than just his promise.

It had cost him his sanity.

And with that, it would cost him his head.

* * *

Four in the morning was not a time Tim was particularly fond of. Especially not, when the coffee machine had suspiciously been broken and not yet repaired. He suspected a rather vicious revenge act from Damian behind it but one couldn’t be too sure. After all, Bruce had commented on his eye bags more than once recently. Might have been a misguided attempt at parenting.

Now, Tim sipped the strongest black tea he had found without ringing Alfred out of bed and stared at his security footage from last week. Despite what Bruce might think, he was still quite good at his job and he wasn’t about to pause his cases to concentrate solely on one.

Gotham would burn if he did that.

Since he didn’t think that was the goal, he sacrificed a few hours of non-sleep he wouldn’t have gotten anyway and worked on the new Arkham security file. 

He was just about to re-configurate a particular tricky scanner when the door of the batcave was slammed open and Dick came barrelling in so fast, he almost ran into the wall.

“We have a problem!” Dick yelled, sounding on the verge of hysteric.

On second thought, and taken Dick’s expression into consideration…

Scratch that.

Definitely not on the verge of.

This was blatant hysteria.

Which, all things considered, was not good. 

Tim, for all his training and a lifetime spent perfecting his poker face, felt himself make a face and gestured for Dick to continue.

God, he was tired.

“Jason-” Dick pressed out, obviously out of breath.

“He’s- fuck! We made a mistake! I followed him- fuck- I followed him on patrol!”

“You found him?” That was impressive. Certainly. Tim hadn’t been able to and neither had Roy. It just came to show, Tim contemplated, that Dick did know Jason best. 

“There was this- I heard about those guys that force people to pay protection money down in Crime Alley and I knew- he’s always been particular about that, so I gave it a shot. And I thought- I needed to see if he was alright! I thought- after what Roy said-”

It almost frightened Tim, to hear Dick this incoherent. Dick wasn’t one for stumbling over his words like that.

When he finally managed to express his train of thought, it didn’t surprise Tim that what it boiled down to was this: “I was so wrong!”

He snorted, “No argument from me on that.”

“Tim- there’s- there’s something wrong!” Wasn’t there always? 

“What’s going on?” He sensed, Dick had calmed himself enough to form a coherent sentence. But Dick only repeated what he had said upon entry. 

“We have a problem!”

Maybe it was the insomnia, maybe he was already irritated. In any case, Tim’s answer was not what you would consider particularly tactful.

“No! _You_ have a problem! All _I_ have is an obtuse idiot who can’t even figure out what he wants for breakfast let alone that maybe- just maybe- his boyfriend isn’t the bad guy here!” the rage that had bubbled inside him ever since Roy had left was now reaching its peak.

“And for the record? I told you so! I told you so and you wouldn’t listen!”

And okay. That was harsh, he could admit. But, in his defence, Tim was so, so tired and it had been a really long day. Still, Dick’s kicked-puppy woe-is-me expression made him feel slightly guilty.

“Sorry,” he pinched the bridge of his nose, exasperated with the world, “long day.”

He took a breath, trying to ease his headache a little before asking “What happened?”

“He- went after them” Despite the odd hesitation, Tim couldn’t really see anything bad about that. If Jason went against those idiots that should comfort them. That meant, he wasn’t re-enacting his time as a crime lord, right? 

“But that’s good news.” Because Dick certainly didn’t sound like it. 

“He killed someone.”

_Hold up.  
_

“What?”

“He killed one of them. I saw it.” 

“Okay?” Before he threw around a judgement, he would listen to the rest of the story. If anything, this horrid situation had told him not to make a call to early. 

“Tim, he- he ripped him apart.”

His face must have shown some emotion or other because Dick continued, voice steadily climbing higher and becoming more frantic. 

“This is our fault. We drove him into that- that pit madness.”

“You think that’s what this is?” Don’t let it be that, Tim prayed. Or rather. Let it be that. At least that meant, Jason could be saved. It meant, it wasn’t a conscious decision, wasn’t a choice. He knew, Bruce could accept that. But if Jason had started killing with a clear head…

“I saw him. He was- that wasn’t normal. He went up against ten of them. One of them almost sliced his leg in half and he continued to fight like it was nothing.”

“But maybe-”

“No. You should have seen him. He didn’t _feel_ it. It was- Tim that wasn’t human anymore. He’s- oh God…” Dick had evidently given in to hysteria. Great. 

“Dick! Calm down! You’re making it worse!”

“I just- _we_ did that! He had such a good grip on it and we made him lose it again! We’re- Tim- I never meant-” And now he was crying. Dick was crying. Tim had no idea how to deal with that.

He almost called Bruce down just to have some assistance.

“Listen!” he bellowed “listen! We’re going to find him and we’re going to help him, alright?”

If only. But Tim powered on. Hope. Dick needed to hope or they would all be lost.

“But we need to tell B. If he hears about this when we find him, things are going to get ugly.” Dick stared at him with those big pools of blue where tears were gathering. Tim looked away. This was getting way too emotional for his liking. 

“Talk to him? He’s not going to be as- you know- if it comes from you.”

As unwilling to listen.

As harsh.

As _unforgivable_.

* * *

Later, Jason would argue that he should have known better. Anger had never helped him see straight. Barging in like that, guns ablaze, was not and would never be a good idea. However, in that precise moment, he didn’t have the mental capacity to think it through. Not when another body had been discovered, no older than seven. He had seen red in an instant, veins burning with fire.

All that investigative bullshit and for what?

He knew, even then, that doing this was idiotic and would most probably end in death but he didn’t care. The second, he saw that body, cold and pale on the docks, his control snapped like a twig. He let it overrule, let it take hold because he was stronger that way, faster.

As it turned out, like every other time in his life, he wasn’t good enough.

* * *

It had quickly turned into a screaming match. No surprise about that. But Dick refused to stand down this time. After everything Roy had told him, after seeing it for himself, he was determined to make this right.

He owed Jason to make this right. 

_To save him_ , the voice insisted.

Even if it was from himself.

“NO! This is _not_ his fault! It’s ours! _We_ pushed him away! _We_ didn’t believe him! _We_ didn’t trust him!”

“Dick if he’s killing people again-” Bruce had obviously tried for soft and toned down. It didn’t work.

“I wouldn’t blame him!” It all clicked into place in his head “don’t you get it? We told him, he was welcome, that he was family and the second things got hard, we proved to him that he wasn’t all over again! Do you get how that feels? Because I can’t even imagine!”

“That’s not-”

“Not what, B? Not what happened?” 

“I understand, you’re upset.”

“Don’t even try! Like you’re not constantly pacing ever since Roy left!” If anything, Bruce had been an even bigger mess than him. 

“I just don’t understand…”

“What? That we behaved like a bunch of assholes once again? Because we wanted to find the bad guy so badly that we jumped onto the very first conclusion without thinking it through?”

“Dick-” Bruce sounded pained. Good. At least, the indifferent mask was gone now.

“No! You said, you wanted to make amends. _You_ said, he would be welcome to work with us! Don’t you dare go back on your word now!”

“I’m not going back on my word!”

“Then what is it? Why can’t you just admit that we were wrong?”

“I can admit that,” He pinched the bridge of his nose “We are wrong. I know that, Dick.”

“Then what’s with the hold up?”

“I-” he breathed out like he needed to steady himself “I don’t know how to fix it.”

“Oh.”

“What I said to him…” and suddenly, it dawned on Dick what this was really about. Bruce was ashamed.

“I was so angry with him.”

“So you lashed out.”

“Yes,” Dick could tell, even from his micro-expressions just how badly Bruce was beating himself up.

“I felt betrayed.”

“I know.”

“I shouldn’t have said it.”

“I shouldn’t have said a lot of it either.” Bruce nodded, face grim.

Dick continued “We need to find him. We need to make this right.”

“Yes.”

“Do you-” he cleared his throat “do you think we can? That he’ll listen?”

Wasn’t it too much to ask? Dick didn’t know if he would. If it had been him. Bruce’ answer didn’t come as a surprise. 

“I don’t know.”

* * *

The warehouse was empty. That should have been the first clue that something was wrong. He was at the address the Duke had texted him, asking for another meeting but had yet to encounter one henchman. Two rooms deep into the warehouse and it occurred to Jason that he must have been stood up.

It fuelled his anger even more, which was why he didn’t hear the door behind him click shut.

“Such a pity,” the Duke’s voice boomed through the room. Jason winced at the volume before the words sunk in. 

What? 

“I told you not to cross me, didn’t I? And you did it anyway…” he tsked at the end of the sentence. Jason’s ears were ringing so loudly, he almost didn’t hear the rest.

“I really hoped for a partnership. But after you let that pretty bird escape…” Jason’s stomach rebelled violently against the memories. It hurt so much that even the pit couldn’t keep it at bay.

“It wasn’t particularly hard to put it together after that. I always suspected you were closer to the bats than you led on.” He should have known – _God_ , he should have known that working with the bats was a mistake. How many times did he have to fall on his ass for him to fucking accept that? 

“You see, I had my suspicions from the start- nothing personal, I’m sure you understand. I had someone follow you after that night.”

He was so stupid. To rely on time and think the Duke wouldn’t figure it out until he was gone was so stupid. But Jason had been upset and worried. Roy was right. Emotions made him sloppy.

“Hiding the batcave under Wayne manor and its mass security is such an admirable idea.”

Jason’s heart beat up to his chest. This was his fault. The Duke knew about the cave. Jason would cost them their lives.

It shouldn’t bother him. It shouldn’t but it did. 

He couldn’t help it. 

He was bout to try and kick his way through the door, desperate to find the Duke and kill him before he could blurt out Batman’s identity, when the microphone turned on again.

“Does Bruce Wayne know the bats hid behind his wealth?”

His brain short circuited.

Laughter bubbled in his throat and before he could bite down on it, a giggle made it past his lips.

Such an idiot. How can the Duke be such an idiot? 

He had all the pieces and still couldn’t make the connection. 

_Fuck._

For a minute, he had really thought their identities were uncovered.

He was aware that his laughter had something really unhinged to it, but he didn’t care. It wasn’t exactly relief that spread through him – not in the situation he was in – but it was close enough to it that he could breathe again. 

“In any case. I am sorry to part with you as a business partner, Hood. But rest assured, you will still be helpful in another capacity.”

He barely had time to process that sentence, when he heard a noise from the ceiling. 

_Gas._

This was gas.

_Shit._

* * *

He was woken up by a splash of cold water. His eyes narrowed, needing a moment to focus and when they did, his insides froze. A man was in the room with him, standing beside a table with instruments on it that Jason had seen before but refused to look at too closely. He was strapped to a metal table, unable to move. 

“Ah, you’re awake. That makes this a hell of a lot more fun.”

The man stepped closer. Jason saw what he held in his hand and prepared himself. The sledgehammer connected hard with his shin. He barely managed to bite down on a yell. He would not give him the satisfaction.

“Hm, tough one, are you?”

Jason smiled despite the pounding in his leg.

“You bet your ass,” he spat out, letting his lips split on a smile. The man aimed again.

His kneecap burst into pieces.

 _You can take it,_ he reminded himself sternly. 

_You died – this is nothing to you._

“Still nothing? That is almost impressive but I know juuuust the right thing for you.”

He didn’t want to know. He really, really didn’t want to know. 

_Breathe in_ , the voice in his head said, _breathe in_.

Electric shocks went through his system when the cattle prod connected with his stomach. He jolted on the table, head hitting the metal hard.

“Ah, did I hear something there?”

 _No. No, you bastard_ _you didn’t fucking hear anything_ , Jason cursed him out in his head. 

“’s that all you’ve got?” he tried to smile but it didn’t fully work. Still, a smirk was good too.

“Defiant. I like it,” the man stepped back, picked something else up, “so much more thrilling to break.”

Pain exploded on his face. He couldn’t see anything. His eyes watered. Blood ran from his nose.

Broken, definitely broken.

Nothing he couldn’t take.

“How about this?” the man asked and swung the bat again. This time, it rained down on Jason’s chest. He heard more than felt a rib crack. His breath came short but he remained silent.

“You know what’s a pity?” Jason didn’t answer, focussed on calming himself. 

It was all good.

He was okay.

“They need you alive.”

He didn’t know if he should feel relieved or not.

“But, lucky for me,” another hit to his chest. This time, the rib broke. Jason tensed, buried his nails in his fists.

It _hurt_.

The man looked at him then, if for dramatic impact or a reaction, Jason didn’t care.

_“Alive is a very broad term.”_

* * *

The room wasn’t spinning anymore. But Jason wasn’t sure that this was a good thing. He couldn’t really see anything. His face had swollen over the last hours, so his eyes were almost closed. His ribs were broken, that much he could tell. He couldn’t breathe right.

Whenever he breathed in too deeply, he would cough. It came out bloody.

He had no idea whether the man was still in the room or not. He didn’t find he cared.

Instead of focussing on the numbness in his feet that scared him like hell or the large gash in his side that felt too cold for comfort, he forced his mind back to his safehouse.

In his mind, he wandered through the living room, looking at a picture from his time as Robin where Bruce had an arm around him. He had kept it hidden under the counter for so long. Maybe, if he ever made it out of here, he could look at it again.

He still had one of Dick’s ridiculous shirts. The one with the deep v-cut that Jason secretly adored. Maybe he should have thrown it away after what had happened. But if he had, Dick would have been gone from his closet. And he hadn’t quite been able to bring himself to do it.

He almost smiled to himself before he remembered that his face couldn’t do that right now. He still hadn’t returned Tim’s cape. The kid had given it to Jason one memorable evening when Jason’s jacket had taken a deep dive into the river. Tim had spotted him on a roof, freezing his ass off and had wordlessly handed him the cape.

And then there were the brass knuckles Damian had reluctantly gifted him for Christmas last year. Jason would never admit that he liked them so much that they were one of his standard items now.

“Back with me then?”

God, he hated that voice. It was so aggravating having to hear the whole time he was here. He would have preferred to bleed out in silence, thank you very much.

“Boss says I only have one hour left before they come and get you.”

At this point, Jason had lost all sense of time. An hour didn’t sound long, but, from experience, he knew it could be.

“Let’s make the most of it, shall we?”

At some point, he couldn’t stop the pained noises from making it past his lips anymore. Even though it meant one more loss, he couldn’t bring himself to care. The pain was almost all-consuming now. He couldn’t focus on anything else.

Despite refusing to let himself go there, he sent a silent prayer to whoever was listening.

 _Please_ , he begged in his head, _please make it stop_.

It hurt so bad. He just wanted it to be over with. Whatever they planned to do with him, wherever they would take him, it was better than this.

Another hit to his chest, another broken rib.

Jason howled in pain, threw himself to the left to escape the onslaught of hits.

He wanted to fight. He wanted to be strong. 

But he just couldn’t.

Not anymore.

He knew, when the man brought out the cattle prod again, that he had lost.

He wasn’t giving up and yet he knew that something fragile in him broke – something he had thought had drowned in the pit.

It felt like dying all over again.

* * *

A knock echoed through the otherwise empty cave. Dick startled then felt an anxious precognition settle in his stomach. He stood, contemplating getting a gun or something else to defend himself with before deciding against it. Surely, whoever was there wasn’t a bad guy or he wouldn’t have knocked. Just before he could open the hidden door, he heard something move on the other side and hesitated.

“Delivery for the bats!” An obnoxious voice suddenly yelled out. With one quick move, Dick grabbed his escrima sticks and ripped open the door, ready to decapitate whoever was on the other side.

He saw a car speeding away and someone standing oddly in the doorway.

In his haste, he didn’t quite pay attention, too worked up about the car. He turned towards the tall figure and instantly stepped back.

Because that was-

That was-

“Jason? Jay!”

Jason looked at him. And it was then that Dick saw what his mind had refused to acknowledge before. He had no idea how Jason was even standing upright. Because he was- he was broken.

There was no other word for it. His face- God, his face was a bloody mess. Only one eye was open and even that had a so much blood in it that the greenish blue shone unnaturally bright against it. 

“Dick-” Jason croaked out. It sounded hollow, raw, like someone had ripped open his throat.

There was no real indication and Dick couldn’t tell what had given it away. But he knew, a split second before it happened and he stepped forward. 

He barely had time to catch Jason when he collapsed, right into Dick’s arms. His brain was working a mile per minute, cataloguing all the injuries covering every visible patch of Jason’s skin.

“What happened?” he asked while trying to pull Jason up.

“I’m-” Jason couldn’t talk. His mouth was ripped apart and split open, blood ran over his chin.

“Sorry,” he managed. Dick had one second to figure out what that meant before Jason’s eyes fluttered shut.

No.

No, no, no, no, no.

_Please no!  
_

Not this! 

Anything but this!

“Bruce!” Dick screamed himself hoarse “Bruce!”

Jason was too heavy, too tall. Dick couldn’t move him. And he had to. Nobody would be able to stay conscious with those injuries. Some of them were to gruesome to even look at.

Dick’s stomach rebelled at the sight.

_What did they do to him?  
_

_What happened?_

“Bruce please!” Dick yelled out again, frantically trying and failing to do something. He needed to get Jason inside. He needed to help him.

_Come on!  
_

_Fuck!_

And then, out of nowhere _: He’s gonna die._

_He going to die in my arms._

The thought shot through Dick with enough momentum to break his hold on Jason.

_“BRUCE!”_

Bruce appeared in the doorway, out of breath, eyes wide. Dick’s hands were clamped, once more, around Jason’s unmoving form like vices, still desperately pulling to get him inside.

It was the only reason he knew the moment Jason’s heart stopped beating.


	5. An Ace to Five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, so, I really poured my heart & soul into this, so, please leave kudos, comments and whatever else you can think of to let me know you liked it!

> _Fear is not real. It’s the product of imagination. Danger is very real. But fear is a choice._

“What did they do to him?” Voices made it through the haze that dulled Dick’s senses. 

“How did he survive that?” He was still standing in the entrance, staring at the ground where Jason’s body had lain not a minute before. Dick couldn’t remember the last few minutes, they had gone by in a blur. 

“Can you help him?” 

“Is he going to wake up?”

“Richard?”

“Hu?” he hadn’t realised someone was talking to him until he felt a pull on his arm.

“I- father is struggling.”

Dick fell into a sprint, Damian hot on his heels. It was like time had sped up and was now racing twice as fast as before.

He reached Bruce, refusing to look at Jason for too long. Bruce was apparently trying to re-animate Jason. Dick’s brain barely processed the information when Bruce shook his head.

Oh no. 

“No! No! No! NO!” His fist connected hard with the wall, skin bursting upon impact. He didn’t feel it.

“Do something!” he yelled, gesturing so wildly that blood splattered everywhere. 

“Help him!” 

“Dick-” No. No, that was not resignation in Bruce’ voice. It was not.

“NO!” 

“I’m trying!” Bruce barked out, then, softer “I’m trying.”

He turned back, once more letting the defibrillator connect with Jason’s chest. Dick made the mistake of looking then and saw how Jason’s entire body catapulted off the table. 

“It’s not enough- it’s not enough…” he kept mumbling, pulling at his hair because he needed the pain to keep him rooted in reality. He didn’t care about the blood smeared onto his temples or the dull ache in his knuckles.

“It is!” Bruce yelled back. 

Almost to himself, he said _“It has to be…”_

 _Jason can’t die._ The thought shot through him like lightning. He barely reached the sink before his stomach rebelled.

 _Jason, please_ , he begged while still leaning over to wash his face. He couldn’t turn around. He couldn’t watch.

_Pull through, come on!_

_Please…_

Dick couldn’t quite concentrate on anything but the heart monitor that Jason was hooked onto, but at he, somehow, did hear Bruce talk to Jason under his breath. His heart ached in his chest at the words.

“I know, I wasn’t there the first time. I let you down. I didn’t save you.”

Dick turned away again. This wasn’t meant for him to hear. As it turned out, he couldn’t have ignored it if he tried. Because Bruce’s voice rose in volume again.

“But I will not let you go now. I _refuse_. You will not die on me again. Do you hear me?”

“B-”

“No!” Bruce ripped his arm out of Tim’s grip. He was still bent over Jason’s lifeless body. Dick saw the tears roll down his cheeks and held onto himself.

Dick knew, deep down, that it had already been too long.

_They had lost._

Jason was gone. 

He knew that but the thought refused to settle. 

Trying and failing to start Jason’s heart again and again, Bruce’ voice was sharp when he bit out “For God’s sake please! I can’t lose you again!”

And – like he had heard him – Jason’s heart lurched. Just once. But it was there.

Dick’s world sped up again. He ran over, eyes glued to Jason’s face, of what was left of it.

Hope blossomed inside him, stronger than he had ever felt it before.

“Do it again! Come on!” Tim urged Bruce on, staring at the monitor.

“He’s still there! He’s still fighting! You just have to help him!”

Of course, Jason was fighting. That was what he did, what he had done his entire life.

Dick should have known.

This was Jason. 

Jason was strong.

He leaned close, looked directly at Bruce and saw his own determination, his own hope staring right back at him. Two word were all Bruce needed. Dick knew what they were. And they came so easily.

_“Save him.”  
_

It seemed to give Bruce the final kick. With renewed power, he threw himself into the task at hand. Dick could barely take the silence. Until, suddenly, the monitor beeped again. And again. And again.

“He’s breathing,” Tim whispered, expression caught somewhere between relieved and exhausted.

Bruce almost collapsed when he sank down, sweat drenching his shirt.

“Oh, thank God!” Tim fell back against the rolling chair, head hitting the wall behind him.

* * *

The veil lifted suddenly. He had been emerged into a black abyss of nothing. Unconscious, he reminded himself. No wonder, after what that asshole had done to him. Actually, he had been quite convinced that this was the end. Maybe it was.

Maybe he was dead.

_No._

That had felt different.

 _Colder.  
_ A sharp pain in his jaw made him gasp.

Not dead. Definitely not.

That meant- well, that meant, he had made it. And was, most probably, in the batcave. Which was not great, all things considered.

And now the memory of Dick’s face at the door came back. He didn’t want to open his eyes, afraid of what he would see once he did. There was a chance they had gotten him to some hospital or other and had left him there. After everything that had gone down, it wouldn’t surprise him. 

Getting tortured did have one perk, though. The pit was so far back in his head, he almost wouldn’t have known it was there. Almost.

“We lost you.” His whole body lurched when he heard it. That voice. He would have known that voice anywhere. How could he have not?

He tried turning his head but failed.

“Wha’?” he couldn’t open his mouth either, or move his face really.

“You died.” His tone was emotionless but Jason detected something underneath that, a layer Dick was biting down on.

It took a moment longer for the meaning of the words to reach him. It didn’t make sense. He was quite sure, he was awake and in fact, not dead. He would have realised if he had died. After all, it wouldn’t have been the first time.

“We lost you.” Why did Dick sound so pained? Surely, that would have been a relief. After everything that had happened, Dick shouldn’t even care if he died. 

“How could you-” A strange sound came from Dick’s direction. Jason needed a lot longer than he probably should have to piece it together. But when he did, he felt sick.

_Holy fuck._

Dick was crying. Jason was not prepared for this. He had no idea how to handle it, what to do, what was happening. He couldn’t even move to look at him.

Why was he crying? 

What was he supposed to do? 

He couldn’t move. Goddamn it, he couldn’t move. His whole body burned like one big bruise.

The decision was made for him when Dick flung himself on top of him. Jason would have protested if he had had any air to do so. Dick’s weight had punched it out of him, though.

 _God_ , his everything hurt.

Dick was mumbling nonsense into his neck that Jason couldn’t quite make out. He wondered if there was something wrong with his ear. Strange, he didn’t remember them doing anything to it.

“If you ever- _ever_ do that again…” the threat didn’t ring through. It was probably the tears that ran down Jason’s neck. The situation was so surreal. Jason lay there, his whole body in searing pain, with Dick sobbing on top of him. And for no apparent reason.

“D-i-ick…” 

Dick didn’t seem to hear him or realise, just how badly he was crushing him.

“I lost you,” Dick kept mumbling, hands grabbing Jason’s arms. His nails pressed into his skin, irritating the bruises apparently still there.

He must have made a sound, right then, because Dick reeled back, sprang off of him in an instant.

“Shit! I’m so sorry! Jay- _fuck_! I don’t- what do you need- _oh God_ , I should have gotten- fuck! Wait here!”

Like he had a choice.

“No!” He had no idea how he managed to even say it without ripping his already abused lips even more in half.

Dick must have stopped because Jason didn’t hear any more steps running towards, what he supposed was the door.

“I need to get someone. You were- you were dead. They should know you’re awake.”

“Stay.” Talking hurt. Not only in his mouth but in his throat. Oh, and his heart. The one piece inside him that had been broken even before that asshole had laid his hands on him. Dick’s presence – his apparent concern – didn’t help.

“I’m so sorry.” What for? Jason wanted to ask but didn’t. He waited until Dick came closer before inching his head a little to the right to see him.

He looked horrible. Pale.

Then again, Jason looked worse. No doubt about it.

“You were out for two days.”

“I thought-” Dick instantly cut himself off but it didn’t matter. Jason knew what he had been about to say. That really didn’t take a genius.

“It doesn’t matter what I thought…” Dick seemed to sit down, because he was suddenly a whole hell of a lot closer. Jason instinctively shied away. He regretted it as soon as the pain hit his body.

“Don’t move.”

Yeah, figured that out myself, thank you.

Okay, so, he was pissed.

How couldn’t he be? He didn’t understand why Dick was behaving like he cared about him. Last he checked, the bats would have shot him themselves if not for that stupid no-killing-policy.

“I know, it’s probably not the right- time to do this. But I need you to know that I am sorry. We all are. It wasn’t fair. You didn’t deserve it.”

That did only make it better in a really non-significant way. Marginal, if you liked. He was just so confused. And still hurt. And his flight instinct was kicking in like crazy.

Dick’s words, his expression, it still hurt.

“I don’t want you to forgive me,” Dick whispered. Jason didn’t know what that meant. But he appreciated it, somewhere deep down, where his whole body wasn’t screaming in agony. 

“I don’t deserve it,” Dick continued. Jason could tell from his voice that he was being genuine.

“I don’t want what I did to be swept under the rug.”

Not that Jason could if he tried. Which he hadn’t. Not this time. There were things, he could let slide. This wasn’t one of them.   
  


* * *

His entire body hurt. Dick had left after a while, not because he had wanted to but because Jason’s heart rate had been dropping again, so he had left to get Bruce. Jason kept his eyes on the ceiling while Bruce examined him. Or whatever it was, he was pretending to do. Dick was somewhere in the room too; Jason could hear him breathe. 

Just then, Bruce poked the broken rib. Jason bit back on a gasp as best as he could. However, Bruce heard it and made a sound Jason would have once catalogued as concerned. Now though, he didn’t dare even think that. 

“Chrm.” It was the third time in a row, Dick had cleared his throat. Jason could tell, it was agitating Bruce too, if the way his shoulder tensed was anything to go by. Or at least, that part of his shoulder which Jason could see.

“B-” Dick tried again. Jason had the feeling, there was something going on that he didn’t know about. It set him on edge, like Bruce was about to lecture him or kick him out.

Bruce – finally satisfied with poking at the wounds – settled back and sighed. Jason prepared himself for the worst. If he could get some pain medication, he could be out of the cave in an hour.

He only needed to call a taxi or something. There was no way he would be able to leave on foot. And calling Roy was not an option. Jason wasn’t even sure, whether Roy was back from his mission by now. He also really didn’t want to fight with him about what had happened. For some reason, he wasn’t in the mood for Roy’s “I told you so” that was sure to come. Also, watching Roy’s stern expression turn to pity and concerned because of his injuries was not something he wanted to indulge in either. 

“Jay, I-” Oh God. Things were about to get ugly faster than Jason had thought. If Bruce started out with “Jay”, he was so, so fucked.

Just ignored him, the voice in his head advised, ignore him, it doesn’t matter anyway. But it did. It mattered so much and Jason didn’t want to be hurt again. Not after the what he had just been through.

“Jesus Christ. Just do it!” Dick apparently had lost not only his cool, but his patience too.

“Dick!” Jason didn’t dare turn his head, forced himself to keep staring straight up. But if he had, he would have seen Bruce pinch his nose. 

“Fine,” Dick must have flung himself off the wall or whatever else he had been leaning against, because Jason heard a door fall close and footsteps walking away.

“How-” Bruce cleared his throat. Jason would forever deny how hard his pulse raised in his chest at that moment.

“How are you?” If Jason could have facepalmed, he would have. However, unfortunately, his body ached too much to even try.

“I-” If this was all Bruce wanted say, he might as well get the hell out and let Jason suffer in piece. 

“Just spit it out! For fuck’s sake!” he instantly regretted having raised his voice. It burned in his throat. He just couldn’t take this any longer. Not with the way Bruce was so absolutely beating around the bush.

“What happened?” Bruce finally said, his voice hard. Fine, if he wanted to be all business-like, far it be from Jason to refuse him

“Made a dumb mistake. Caught me off-guard.” 

“That’s not what I meant.”

“No? Could’ve sworn it’d be just another time where you wanted to know how exactly I fucked up!” he was getting too emotional. He needed to get a grip.

“Jason-” He didn’t appreciate the tone. He was the one injured, goddamn it.

“What?!” Now he was getting really irritated.

“What did they do to you?” He whipped around so fast, his neck cracked dangerously. It was a mistake, looking at Bruce, because now he saw – he didn’t really know what he saw.

“I need to know.”

“Why?” he hated that his voice sounded so hoarse, that his chest felt so tight.

“Because you’re my son.” No. No, they were not going there. Not today and not any other day. _Never_ again. 

“I’m not.” He refused to even let that thought settle. He could not do this. 

“Yes, you are,” Bruce reached for him, held onto him before Jason could shake him off, “you _are_! That won’t ever change.” He said it so quietly, so sombrely.

“Then _why_?” Jason barely held onto his remaining bit of control. The only thing that kept him from bolting right then and there, wounds be damned. 

“Why didn’t you believe me?” The tears started to pool in his eyes, threatened to flow over, “I needed you to believe me.” He fell back against the bed, eyes firmly glued to the ceiling. He refused to accept that his whole body was trembling.

“I know.” 

“Then why didn’t you? Why is it always me that you accuse? I didn’t- I know, it looked bad but you could’ve asked me! You could have listened! But you didn’t care! You didn’t want to listen!

You wanted someone to blame! And who better than me, right? Always the disappointment!” 

“Jason-”

“What? What could you possibly say that would change anything?! You didn’t trust me! You said it yourself! I can’t be trusted!”

“Jason!” Bruce’ voice was cutting when he said his name like that. He still felt like a child being scolded and it infuriated him like nothing else. 

“What!”

“You’re bleeding.”

“I don’t care!”

“Let me-”

“No!” he batted Bruce’ hand away, wiped his face. His own hand came back bloody.

“I was wrong.” 

“What-” He stopped half-turn. There was no way he had just heard what he thought he had heard. 

“I was wrong,” Bruce repeated, forcing Jason with a hand on his chin to keep eye-contact.

“I jumped to conclusions and there is no reason I could give you that would excuse it.”

“Try.” Please. Give me something here, Jason begged in his head. 

“It was easy. Don’t you see? Easy to blame you because I wanted- I needed _someone_ to be guilty.” 

“So, you turned on me.” Statement. He didn’t need to ask. 

“Yes.” Despite how hard admitting it must have been for Bruce, hearing it was even harder for Jason. 

“I won’t ever forgive you,” he spat out, “ever!”

Not after everything that had happened. Not after Bruce had failed him that first time. 

“I’m not asking you to.”

“Then what do you want from me?” It was all he had been asking himself. And now, he just wanted to be left alone. 

“I want you to know that it won’t happen again. It was a mistake. I regret it. I was wrong.” 

“Yeah, you were.” He had never had a chance, hadn’t he? He had been doomed from the start. 

“I’m wrong a lot when it comes to you.” 

“No, you’re not.” Wasn’t he everything bad Bruce had ever made him out to be? Hadn’t he proven that he couldn’t do one thing right?

“Yes. I am,” he said it with such conviction that Jason almost believed it. Almost.

Bruce was still looking at him.

He asked again, “what did they do to you?” 

“Isn’t this enough emotional talk for one day?”

 _Let me be_. _Please, I can’t take much more of this_.

But he couldn’t back down either. Not when it felt like they could be getting somewhere. 

“No.”

“Why is it so damn important?”

“Because I need to know! Jay-” he wrung his hands, “I know, I have no right to ask. But I need to know. I can’t- it’s driving me insane. Seeing you like this.”

“Then turn aside! Look the other way!” 

“I can’t look the other way! You’re hurt!” Like it was hard all of a sudden. Like he hadn’t turned away from him before. When Jason had needed him most, Bruce hadn’t been there.

“So what? ‘s not like it’s the first time!” And it won’t be the last.

 _“You died!”_ Bruce suddenly snapped, “You died again! Don’t you understand! I can’t-” he breathed in; it sounded shaky “I can’t lose you!”

Something about those words rattled him, made him pause. The decision wasn’t an easy one.

“I went in while I was still angry,” he started “they must have known I was coming. Dosed me with some kind of gas. When I woke up…” he had to breathe, had to remain in the present “I was bound to a metal table, some guy– I don’t know his name…”

He listed every punch, every hit, every touch with the cattle-prod. He didn’t leave anything out. When he had finished, Bruce had paled, eyes narrowed.

“They’ll pay. I promise you.” 

“No they won’t.” Bile rose in his throat when he thought about it “ _He_ didn’t.” 

“I won’t make that mistake again. They will not go free.” If only he could believe that. If that could ever be true in this world. 

“But you won’t kill them either.”

“No.”

“Just to know where you stand.” It didn’t surprise him. He hadn’t anticipated anything else from Bruce. 

“I stand with you.” Did he? Could he? With all their differences and fights? Did he even want to? 

“Since when?” Jason bit out, feeling too vulnerable to do anything but. 

“Since _now_ ,” Bruce bit back

He continued a little less aggressive but no less determined.

“Since now.”

* * *

“Alfred said you were awake.”

Jason shrugged. As long as awake didn’t mean okay, then yes, he was awake.

“What do you want?”

“To talk.”

“Now?” That was just his luck, wasn’t it? 

“Do you have anywhere else to be?” He didn’t even deem that worth an answer. Dick leant against the wall, arms crossed. He had a strange expression on his face. Almost like he was preparing himself for something.

“You probably don’t want to be anywhere near me right now.”

“Spot on.” Jason really didn’t have it in him to deny it. 

“Figured.”

“Look, Dick- can we get this over with? I’m tired.” He could almost feel his strength trickling out of him.

“Okay. Okay, sure.” He sat down at Jason’s bed side, fiddled with his sweater.

“I- I know, I can’t ever make this right between us. So, I want to- I want to say, I understand.”

“Understand what?” He had officially lost him. This conversation wasn’t going in the direction, Jason had thought it would. Not in the slightest. 

“That we’re done.” A sharp pain surged through him that had nothing to do with his ribs.

“That we’re… done.” He couldn’t quite process what Dick was saying. 

“Yeah. I don’t want you to think I’m that much of an asshole to assume, you’d ever want to come close to me again. I mean- I think I’ve been enough of an ass already. So, I thought- clean break and everything.”

“Clean break.” What? 

“I just wanted to do this while you’re still here. I don’t want you to feel even more uncomfortable around me than you obviously do. I won’t-” it was the first time Dick’s voice betrayed him. He cleared his throat.

“I won’t do anything. I’m not like that. I promise. I’ll keep my distance.”

“Your distance.” Why was he doing this? What had Jason done now? 

“Yes. You don’t have to worry.”

“Dick?”

“Yes?”

“You’re an asshole.”

“I know.” Jason snorted. He knew, it wasn’t very attractive but to hell with it. Not like he was aiming for attractive anyway. 

“No. You don’t know jackshit. And I want to make one thing perfectly clear here before I say anything else: If you ever – _ever_ – try to decide for me again, it’s not gonna be pretty. I mean it, Dick.”

“What?” Jason sat up despite his body protesting. He didn’t pay it much attention. This needed to be handled upright. 

“Did it ever occur to you to ask me what I wanted?”

“I-”

“That was a rhetorical question.” His tone lacked sarcasm. He just didn’t have the energy for it.

“Oh.”

“If you had, you would have known that I don’t want things to end. I just- I need time, okay?”

“Time.” Now, Dick sounded like the parrot. It made for a nice change.

“Yeah. Time, Dickie. You know the concept?”

“Yes,” the smile that erupted on Dick’s face could have blinded him forever “Of course!”

“I can’t promise-” he didn’t really know how to finish that sentence but Dick seemed to understand either way.

“Then don’t,” he whispered, smile vanished once more, “if you’re not- if you decide, you can’t ever be with me, that’s okay too. I’d understand.”

“I know.”

“But-” Dick trailed off before he could even really begin.

“But what?”

“But if you do- if you do decide, you want to be with me…” Dick had never sounded so small. It made Jason want to reach for him, reassure him that he did still want that.

He forced himself not to.

He wasn’t ready and if he pushed himself, this would end up in shambles and with both of them hurt beyond repair. 

“Yeah?” 

“It’d make me really happy.” Jason felt himself nod, mouth dry. In his opinion, that had gone over pretty well.

They just needed time.

* * *

He didn’t go back to his safehouse, instead choosing a second one he had bought for emergencies. It was less homely, less his but it would have to do. Going back to where his rage was still omnipresent wouldn’t help him at the moment. Like with the bats, he needed distance from what had happened, and that extended to his living quarters.

He just couldn’t go in there and do the clean-up like nothing was wrong. It reminded him too much of the episode and how hard it had hit him this time – of how badly he had lost control.

He almost hadn’t told them he was leaving. Not because he still couldn’t look at them but because he knew, they would try to stop him. He had left a note, though. That should count for something. And he called Alfred as soon as he was settled. The relief was so audible in Alfred’s voice, Jason almost felt bad for leaving the way he had. He hadn’t meant to worry Alfred. Or anyone really.

His sent a quick text to Roy, telling him that he had relocated. A phone call would go unanswered anyway, seeing as Roy was probably still on that mission.   
Going to bed without any eyes on him felt liberating. He hadn’t realised how restricting the atmosphere in the cave had been. 

Falling asleep turned out to be a feat in and of its own, because his brain switched from reminding him of the pain he was still having to what caused it.

At two in the morning, despite trying every trick in the book, Jason resigned himself to this being a long night.

It didn’t matter.

He had those more often than not.

_Nothing new._

* * *

Up and down. 

Down and up. 

And back to up and down again.

In a goddamn circle, he paced around the kitchen table in his apartment. Dick had left the manor approximately fifty-one minutes after Jason had disappeared. Well, not disappeared. He had left a note after all. a generic one, addressed to Alfred. Dick was not jealous of Alfred.

It had taken him about five second to realise, he couldn’t stay there or he and Bruce would be at each other’s throats.

Granted, this didn’t tend to happen often.

But whenever Jason was involved, they had quite diverging views. Dick just didn’t want to listen to Bruce contemplate bugging Jason’s safehouse to make sure, he was okay. Even though, Jason probably knew Bruce well enough to bug-proof his living quarters, Dick still didn’t approve of Bruce’ intrusive methods. He also didn’t want to have to come with yet another reason why he couldn’t train with Damian.

It was driving him up the walls. The only person he wanted to have around was Jason. Since that wasn’t happening, Dick became moody much too quickly. Tim had subtly urged him to go to his apartment to have some space.

“Maybe Jason’s right, you know?” he had said “Distance can be a good thing.”

Dick wasn’t sure he agreed. For the fifth time in a row, he grabbed his phone, dialled and promptly let it drop back down on the couch. 

Jason needed time, he reminded himself sternly.

But did that mean, he didn’t want to talk at all? 

Was Dick allowed to call? 

He didn’t know how to act, what to do and it drove him nuts.

They were barley even three nights into their distance-time thingy, when Dick woke up drenched in cold sweat. His hands trembled so hard, he almost dropped his glass of water. Another nightmare. Another version of Jason dropping to his knees. Dick was so sick of seeing it each and every night. Without thinking, he reached for his phone, dialled.

It rang twice before Jason’s gruff voice greeted him. Dick almost sobbed with relief.

_Alive._

He’s alive, he reminded himself.

“Dick?”

God, it felt good, hearing Jason say his name.

“What’s goin’ on?” he sounded tired, maybe a little annoyed.

A sharp pain surged through Dick when he realised Jason probably didn’t want to talk to him. He instantly regretted having even made the call.

“Nothing,” he said, praying that the shakiness of his voice wouldn’t translate through the phone.

“Sorry, shouldn’t have called.”

He hung up before even giving Jason the chance to reply.

* * *

Three hours. That was all he was granted. Three goddamn fucking hours. 

This time, the phone had woken him up instead of the usual nightmare. He didn’t know if that was better. A ringing phone at four in the morning was seldomly something positive.

Squinting at the caller ID, he felt his heart do a weird half-lurch in his chest.

Dick.

_Of course.  
_

Who else would call this late? 

Well, probably everyone, seeing as all his acquaintances were on patrol every other night. It came with the cape after all. He really should get better friends- family- whatever.

“Yes?” he answered the phone, rubbing a hand over his face. God, he should really shut off his phone.

“Dick?” he asked when the other end kept its silence. That in itself was worrisome and Jason felt the last bit of sleep trickle out of him.

“Jay? Jay!”

Jason noted several things. First, Dick was not in danger, that much was blatantly obvious by his tone. Second, the way Dick said his name was a little off. Third, that might be because Dick was clearly drunk.

“What do you want?” He had zero patient right now and couldn’t find it in himself to feel bad about it. Not after– yeah, not thinking about that.

“You.”

“Alright, I’m hanging up.” He could not deal with this. Despite his deeply rooted curiosity about Dick’s strange pattern of calling and hanging up, now that he had him actually on the phone and talking, he didn’t know what to do either.

Maybe he was just too tired.

“Noooo!” Dick whined. Whined. With a capital w. So, either he was seriously shift-faced or seriously fucked up. Either way, Jason was suddenly reluctant to end the call. He couldn’t quite remember a time when Dick had been drunk. Oh, fake drunk was his usual MO on each and every occasion.

But genuinely drunk? It didn’t sound like something Dick would do. Not when Bruce had drilled caution into all of the Robins at such a young age. After all, sooner or later they were expected to attend Wayne galas, each in their capacity, where water was harder to come by than crystal meth.

Apparently, Dick had kept talking while Jason had had his epiphany. Although, talking was maybe a little too eloquently put. Slurring his words and making some lewd suggestions would have been more accurate.

Jason sighed. He really wasn’t in the mood.

“Dick?”

“Hm?”

“How much have you had?”

“Don’ know whatcha talkin’ ‘bout.” He was singsonging. Dick was fucking singsonging. Was there really nothing Jason could be spared? 

“Are you at the manor? Can you get someone to…” To what? Put him to bed? Take away his phone?

“Nope.” That p popping was back. Jason had always abhorred that particular sound.

“Where are you?” 

“Myyyyyy ‘partment? A-partment.” Dick dissolved into giggles that had just a touch of hysteria in them. 

“Where is your apartment?” He had had no idea Dick even owned one. 

Instead of giving an answer, Dick started telling Jason how he wanted to kiss him. Which was great. Really. It wasn’t like Jason had to actively stop and remind himself why that was not an option right now each time Dick so much as looked at him.

Hearing Dick’s needy tone while telling him all the things he wanted to did not help matters. Luckily, Jason was not easily swayed.

“Just-” he had to breathe in at one point to keep from hitting something. He wasn’t angry, this time, just exhausted and Dick was making it worse. Was it too much to ask for one peaceful night? If his body didn’t hurt and he didn’t wake up screaming from nightmares he now worried about Dick. It just wasn’t like him to drink, or to call. Not after their conversation.

“Just tell me where you are.”

“Why? So, you can _come_ ” he paused there, overtly emphasising the word “here?”

“Yes.” He couldn’t believe he was about to do this. Judging from Dick’s gleeful exclamation, Jason was in for a really long night.

It took a little too long for him to finally figure out that something was wrong. Dick wouldn’t have called in this state for no reason. Jason refused to jump to conclusions before seeing the damage for himself. But a voice in his head kept nagging him that Dick must have been pretty out of it to call him like this. After everything they had discussed, Dick wasn’t likely to try and seduce him. His earnest face was still ever so present in Jason’s mind when he straddled his bike – which took considerably more effort than he would have liked to admit.

He knew, even before arriving at the address Dick had finally managed to spell out, that something was very wrong.

* * *

He didn’t bother waiting for Dick to step aside and just barged into his apartment. Upon entering, he realised that his earlier gut instinct had been spot on. Dick wasn’t drunk. Dick was wasted. Evident by the empty tequila bottle on the living room table and the half-empty vodka bottle beside it.

“ _Jesus_ , Dickie…” he muttered under his breath. How Dick could still keep himself upright was nothing short but a miracle.

Or the acrobat genes. Could be that too.

His train of thoughts ended right there though. Because in the next second, Dick had slung his arms around his neck and clung to him with enough force to almost cut off his air stream.

“You smell good,” Dick giggled and promptly licked a stripe form Jason’s neck to his ear. The pungent scent of hard liquor hit Jason’s nostrils and he barely suppressed a disgusted noise.

“Yeah, how about no?” He untangled himself from Dick’s embrace, which took a little while considering Dick was determined not to let him go. 

“Why are you drunk?” he asked after bringing a good three feet of distance between them. Dick looked put out at that but quickly shrugged.

“Felt like it.”

“What?” Technically, Jason had understood him perfectly – would be hard not to considering their voices were the only things audible in the room – but he could not believe Dick had just said that.

“Felt like it.” Apparently, he was wrong a lot tonight. 

“You don’t drink.” He felt a little redundant pointing it out when Dick was so clearly drunk.

“I do.” He said it so solemnly, Jason almost found it endearing. Almost.

“No, Dick. You don’t. Not like this.” He gestured towards the bottles then at Dick. 

“Did t’night.”

“I can see that.”

“Felt good.”

“It felt good?” Excuse him while he hit himself over the head with what was left of that bottle. He couldn’t believe Dick would say something this stupid. After all the lectures he had been forced to tolerate from Bruce and Dick alike for Dick to go and say that was too much to handle. 

“Yup.”

“How- you know what, I don’t care. Just- it’s fucking late and I’m tired, so if we can cut this short…” He was about to stand up ­– half-way heaving his ass from the couch, when Dick’s arm shot out to hold him in place.

“Don’ leave.”

“What?” He had a headache; it was pounding in his temples.

“Stay. Please.”

“Dick-”

“No. No. I need-” Dick cut himself off, looking suddenly much soberer and a little pale around the nose.

“What? What’s going on? You need to tell me, Dick, or I can’t help you.” And wasn’t it fucked up that the prospect of helping Dick calmed him down? 

“I need you.”

“I don’t know what that means, Dick! I’m right here.”

“I’sss not the same.”

“What’s not the same? You’re not making any sense!” He felt his temper rising, just when Dick scooted close – a little too close actually – and rasped into his ear with the most aggravated voice like someone had ripped out his throat _“Let me?”_

“What?” Let him what?

Jason, once more, became painfully aware that Dick was almost incoherent at this point; his words were still slurred and his eyes too glassy. He had to tread carefully here. 

“Let me have you. _Jay_ \- I- I need…” Hell to the no. He had just driven here after being woken up like that, disoriented, exhausted and still in so much pain. Let alone, the emotional rollercoaster he had been tied to over the past weeks. 

“Dick-” There was no way, anything would be happening. Dick was obviously drunk and didn’t know what he was saying. Also, and that was much more important, Jason didn’t want for anything to happen. He couldn’t even entertain the idea of kissing Dick without his making his skin crawl. It was almost bizarre, to want something so much and yet not at all.

Just – being vulnerable like that, letting Dick see the depth of his feeling for him was not something Jason could stomach right now. Which made the situation even worse. He didn’t like refusing Dick, especially, when he was so obviously distraught.

“I know, I know!” Dick kept repeating. Jason noticed the hysterical tone his voice was taking on.

“I’m sorry, okay? I know, you said, you want to wait- and that you’re not- that you don’t trust me anymore- I know, I promised, I wouldn’t ask again!”

“Then why? Why now?” Jason had to know. He had to know what had changed to make Dick this frantic. There had to be a reason why Dick was suddenly begging him to be intimate. Apart from the liquid courage. He knew it wasn’t because Dick was horny, that, he expressed in a completely different way, and never like this. 

“I need you!” 

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?!” He still couldn’t comprehend that sentence. Not in this context. 

“I need you, Jay. I- what happened- I- I need to feel you- to make-” Dick was starting to hiccough “to make you feel good…” 

“You make me feel good already, Dick.” Not right now though. Considering he felt that headache with the force of a stampede.

“It’s not enough!” The words cut through him like a knife through steak. Even though, he knew Dick didn’t mean it the way he heard it, he still had those flashbacks to all the times someone had said it to him, to all the times he had felt not good enough for one thing or the other. Bruce was featured quite heavily in those memories.

 _“Why?”_

“Because you’re not mine! You’re not! I need to- I need to feel you against me! I need to take my mind off of it! I can’t- Jay- I can’t stop seeing it! I need to touch you! I need to- please- let me-”

“I _am_ yours, Dickie,” Jason admitted under his breath, hoping and praying Dick was too drunk to recall in the morning that he ever said that. Yet, nothing had ever felt so true. Dick _had_ him.

Had had him for a long time. At this point, he wasn’t sure if anything could change that.

“I’m _yours_.” Dick had no idea how much Jason meant it. How much he _still_ meant it. Even after what happened. 

“You almost died…” Dick whispered, eyes full of tears and Jason could barely take it, “you collapsed into my arms. I couldn’t- you were gone. I saw- I saw when you stopped breathing- I- I tried so hard to get you inside but I couldn’t- I couldn’t move- it’s- I watched you _die_ …”

It suddenly made sense. Why Dick was behaving the way he did, why he had called, had drunk himself stupid.

Jason forced himself to stay where he was – in the room with Dick – while everything him screamed to run. Death was always too close to him for comfort. It felt like he was always one step over the threshold already. One step in the grave, living on borrowed time that should have run out years ago. It scared him. So, so much. But Dick was still talking and he refocussed on him.

“After- after what I did- I couldn’t- you were dying and I hadn’t- I hadn’t told you…”

“Told me what?” His voice sounded too hoarse to his own ears. They were on the verge of something, Jason could almost taste it.

“I wasn’t- it wasn’t about the- about the Duke- I was- I thought you were using me- that that’s why you didn’t want to have-” he breathed out shakily “to have sex because you didn’t really want me. It’s- I know, it’s not an excuse. But to me- it felt- it felt like it made sense because- because I-” He realised then that Dick was hyperventilating. Without having any idea on how to stop it or what to do, Jason reached out for Dick’s hand. The contact shocked him at first, made his skin tingle like it had so many times before with Dick so close. But, deep down, he wasn’t sure, he wanted to hear what Dick had to say.

Things didn’t turn out well for him, usually.

“Because you were- you were always so distant- and then- then you suddenly accepted and I couldn’t- I was so happy- but I didn’t- I didn’t understand-”

What? What was there to understand? Jason’s head had lost the battle against his heart. That was all.

“It didn’t make sense- you didn’t- I _knew_ , you didn’t want me- but then- then you accepted and I thought- maybe you did want me-” Dick laughed, an ugly, self-conscious thing that felt like a punch to the gut coming from him.

“I couldn’t wrap my head around- around why you would want me and then- then they said- they said you were working with them and it made sense-” 

It did. In Dick’s fucked up logic, it did. Jason had never understood Dick better than in this moment. It didn’t make what had happened any better though. Nothing could erase that feeling of utter betrayal. It would take a long time for Jason to fully trust Dick again. He wondered, sometimes, if he ever could. And then there were nights like this, when Dick was too close, too easy to touch and Jason let himself hope.

“I felt- I felt so used- Jay- you have to- you have to understand- I thought- it was all a- a lie- and then they did this to you- and I wasn’t there- again- I let you die again…”

 _Enough._ This was enough.

“NO!” Jason bit out, “no, you didn’t let me die- I’m right here, Dick.”

He had to stop thinking about that night. They both had to. Or this would end in such a bad way neither of them would recover from it.

“I can’t- Dick, I can’t talk about this.”

“I’m sorry.” Dick drew in on himself again and for some reason, it set Jason off. 

“Don’t-” he clenched his fists “stop apologising.” A pause followed his words that was heavy with things unsaid.

Out of nowhere, Dick spoke up again “I couldn’t have done it.”

“What?” He couldn’t keep up with Dick’s thinking process anymore. 

“I couldn’t have kept upright after that. I still don’t know how you were even conscious.”

“Dick-” his voice held a warning that made Dick sit up straight. His eyes looked a lot less glassy now.

“I caught you,” Dick whispered, sounding horrified. Jason just didn’t know about what. 

“You fell over and I caught you. I yelled for Bruce to help me. I couldn’t get you inside.” Dick was eerily calm while talking. The slur had evaporated. Jason almost wished it back. This side of

Dick had always terrified him; it let Dick’s own trauma shine through much too clearly.

“I couldn’t do a damn thing,” Dick chuckled, “you stopped breathing right when Bruce took you from me. I was so sure, you were going to die. I’ve never-” he cleared his throat, “I wasn’t there the first time. I always- I kept imagining it, kept thinking about it. It’s so strange. I don’t remember that day. But I remember when I go the call.”

“Dick please.” On the edge of his consciousness, he almost saw the green fingers of the pit reaching for him. 

“No. Let me- please- you need to hear this.” That switch from I need to you need was the only reason, why Jason allowed for Dick to continue. 

“Why?”

“I don’t know how else to make you understand.”

“Make me understand what?”

“How much you mean to me. Meant. Even then.”

Jason wanted to speak up again but Dick shushed him. It was a gentle thing, soft.

“It felt like being ripped apart. That first time. When B told me, I refused to believe it. You couldn’t be gone. You were supposed to be better.”

“Better than what?” he croaked out.

“Than me.” He said it with such conviction. Like that was what had happened. When in reality, Jason had never been able to fill the hole Dick had left behind. 

“Dick-”

“Hear me out. Please- I- I know, I’m asking a lot. Just- let me say this?”

He felt himself nod shakily; his grip on the couch turned iron.

“I always struggled with- with losing people. Not just- not just my parents. It’s- I keep thinking that people won’t stay around, not if they see-”

“See you?” Jason had. He had seen Dick. Not the shiny golden boy, but Dick. With all his edges and sharp angles. 

“Yeah,” he felt the admission in his bones like Dick had reached inside him and had rattled him.

“I don’t know where it came from but even before- even before B took me in, I didn’t handle rejection well. I just- after my parents died, I- I latched onto every bit of attention I could get. When I was with people, I did what they wanted because I felt like if I didn’t, they would leave.”

“You don’t have to explain-” It was something Jason would never ask of anyone. Sharing the deepest, darkest side of oneself was not an easy task. And no one had the right to demand it. No one.

“I do. You deserve- I owe it to you,” Dick fiddled with his sleeve, head down.

“Physical was always easy for me. You can’t get hurt that way. I get those looks- always - it doesn’t matter where I am or who I’m with- they’re always there. They didn’t care about me. So, I made myself not care about them either… I just get what I need from them.”

“Attention.” So obvious. So toxic. Jason had always been more comfortable hiding in the shade, remaining unseen. It seemed, Dick had done the opposite: hiding in plain sight and yet not being visible at all. 

“Yeah. That too. Sometimes, it’s business, intel, information. But it’s always an exchange.”

“Dick, that’s not-”

“Healthy?” the humourless chuckle was back again “I know. It’s just- it was the only way I could feel needed. Desired. Like I was worth something. And when you didn’t want to- to do anything, I fell into that spiral again.”

He looked up then and Jason almost couldn’t take it. Those eyes had rarely been so dull with pain.

“I was so convinced you didn’t want me that I clung to every excuse to push you away. And I’m so sorry. Because I know you. I know you, Jay. You’re not like that. I don’t even think you could be.”

“No. I’m not.” Saying it out loud, hearing Dick agree, it eased his pain a little. 

“I know. I know that. And I’m so sorry I did that to you. There’s no excuse for it. I’m not asking you to forgive me.”

“Then what are you asking?”

“To not cut me off.” There was a slight tinge of frustration, something barely concealed in Dick’s voice. It could have set him off if he didn’t know where it stemmed from. 

“Is that why you drank that much? Why you called?” He needed to know at least that. 

“No.”

“Then why?” he sounded so pained, yet so hopeful, “why Dick?”

“I needed to make sure you were real. That you woke up and it wasn’t just a dream. It was the only way I know how.”

“I am. _I’m here_ ,” the emphasis didn’t seem to reach Dick. He nodded but didn’t look all too convinced. It was the last straw. Jason couldn’t take this any longer. He pushed past that sickening feeling of fear inside him and reached for Dick. When Dick’s arms closed around his back, Jason allowed himself to breathe out. Dick shivered against him, like he was cold, even though Jason felt the heat radiating off of him. 

“Okay?” he whispered into the crook of Dick’s neck. He only got a shaky nod in return. Dick’s fingers fisted into his shirt, refused to ease their hold on him.

“I’m here. I promise. I’m not going anywhere.”  
  


* * *

Waking up curled around someone else was an odd feeling. Jason couldn’t quite tell if he liked it, or if it seriously freaked him out. He decided on the former, after Dick – if deliberately or not – snuggled closer to him.

His breath tickled against Jason’s neck but in a good way. He could almost imagine waking up like this every morning.

Which was a dangerous thought.

“You’re freaking,” Dick mumbled, seemingly only half-awake.

“No.”

“Yes.” But Dick didn’t sound too upset about it. His fingers found Jason’s waist and he let them rest there.

“Dick-”

“Hm?”

“We shouldn’t be doing this.” Though why they shouldn’t, wasn’t even clear to him in that moment. It felt good. He liked having Dick close.

But that was precisely why he should put a stop to it.

“I know,” Dick sighed, sat up. Jason, caught off guard by the sudden movement, had trouble staying on the couch. He saw himself tasting carpet already, before Dick pulled him up. They came face to face and Jason realised how hungover Dick must be. His face was pale, the bags under his eyes almost purple, his skin looked like paper.

“Breakfast?” he asked, answering to his stomach growling. But Dick shook his head and remained where he was. 

“Okay.” His earlier happy thoughts were now starting to trickle out one by one.

“I just- can we talk?” 

“Sure.” Why not ruin this morning some more while they were at it? 

“I’m sorry, I made you come over,” Dick started, head low. Jason hated when he did that. But he could sympathise. He also didn’t like keeping eye contact when admitting to mistakes. 

“I know.” That would have been hard to miss. After all, Dick had been a frantic mess ever since Jason had stepped foot inside the apartment. 

“I shouldn’t have called.” He had a stoic expression on his face that reminded Jason of Bruce. And not in a good way.

“It’s okay.”

“No. It’s not.”

Yes, it was. Jason didn’t really see a problem with it. He had just been a bit surprised that Dick actually had talked to him this time, after hanging up every time he had called before. 

“Dick…” he shook his head in reprimand. Leave it to Dick to argue at every turn.

“Why did you come?” The question was so much out of left field, Jason scrambled for an answer. 

“Hu?” 

“Why did you come? When I called- I- I remember, I didn’t think you’d come.”

Did Dick really think Jason could have stayed away? After hearing how distressed Dick had been? No way. 

“Of course, I came. I knew you weren’t okay.” He couldn’t help being a bit offended. 

“Oh.” 

“What? Did you think, I’d just hang up?”

“I wouldn’t have blamed you.”

“I would have.” Like he had ever been able to leave Dick alone. 

“Why?”

“Because you-” he pressed out before realising, he had raised his voice. Forcedly calm, he continued “I don’t know how much you remember of last night, Dick-”

He also wasn’t sure if he wanted to know. There had been some embarrassing stuff in there. Of course, Dick robbed him of the illusion that some of it might not been remembered pretty quickly.

“All of it.”

“So- you know- you know what I said…” Jason hoped Dick knew what he was hinting at without him having to actually say it again. 

“That you’re mine?”

“Yeah.” Dick had a contemplative expression on his face that Jason didn’t know how to read. 

“It’s the same for me, you know?”

“Dick-” Hearing it didn’t feel as good as he thought it would. Maybe because he still wasn’t ready to fully give this a shot again. 

“It is,” Dick paused, looked away, his cheeks coloured a little.

“I think, it’s been that way for a long time.”

“It’s still not okay.” It pained him to say it, but he had to. They were trying for honest this time, after all. 

“I know.” Something about the way Dick said it made the hairs rise on Jason’s arms. 

“I’m working on it,” he tried to reassure him. 

“That’s all I ask.” That odd feeling was still there, like he had missed something vital. Maybe because Dick sounded incredibly stiff, mechanical even. Like he had rehearsed his answer in his head.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.” Dick didn’t even try to sound convincing. 

“Dick-” They had to build up trust or this was doomed to fail.

Suddenly, Dick exploded “I don’t know how you do it, okay?”

“Do what?”

“Try! How do you keep trying? I don’t get it! You came over last night for me! You helped me! You brought me to bed, tucked me in, gave me water! How do you do that? How can you even look at me?”

“What brought this on?” There was something he didn’t know, something that must have set Dick off. 

“ _You_! You brought this on! Because you’re too-”

“Too what?”

“You make me hope when there is none!” That one hurt like a kick in the teeth. To hear Dick losing hope wasn’t something Jason ever wanted to see.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means that I don’t know what to do! I don’t want to call you because I feel like I’m pressuring you, like I’m constantly overstepping. I have no idea where we stand, if you even still like me! I don’t know what to do!”

Dick broke down sobbing. He hid his face in his hands while his shoulders shook. Jason stood rooted to the spot for a moment, then he realised what was happening and sat down beside Dick.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Before his breakdown. Before it all went to shit.

“Because I can’t ask that of you!”

“Can’t ask what?”

“To constantly reassure me!”

“Why not?”

“Because I don’t have the right to ask anything of you! Not after what I’ve done!”

“Dick-”

“No!”

“ _Dickie_ , come on, look at me.” He had to force Dick’s chin up with his fingers.

“This is a two-way street. You know that, right? I’m not- I’m not saying what you did was okay. Because it wasn’t. But if I didn’t want you- if I didn’t believe that this can work, I would have told you.”

It had actually occurred to him while he had waited for Dick to fall asleep. Those empty bottles, the unhinged glimmer in Dick’s eyes, reminded him of himself so much, the conclusion was kind of inevitable.

“But I have one condition.” 

“Everything.” Jason winced. Everything was a dangerous thing to promise. 

“You need help Dickie. I can’t- I can’t be the one to do it. Not like this.”

“I-” Dick had been about to refuse, Jason saw it clearly in his eyes, but something must have made him change his mind because he suddenly squared his shoulders and asked “Did it help you? Talking to someone?”

“Yeah. It did.” He allowed a soft smile to spread on his lips.

“Okay.”

“Just like that?” 

“No. Not just like that.” Dick’s smile wasn’t genuine. It held too much self-deprecation for that. Jason knew that expression. He had seen it on his own face in the mirror. 

“I don’t understand?” 

“Jay, I- it’s not easy okay? I’ll try. If you say it helped, I’ll try. But I’m- I don’t know- scared, I guess…”

“Of what?” 

“Of what I’ll find once I start looking.”

“I get that.”

“I know.”

This time, Dick’s smile was genuine.

* * *

Home.

But was it really?

It certainly felt more like it than his shitty apartment. Dick didn’t bother ringing. He waltzed straight in, duffle slung over his shoulder, cap pulled down so far, nobody could see his eyes. He didn’t particularly feel like getting lectured right now. Be it Alfred or Bruce. Or Damian, now that he came to think about it.

Jason had left after an hour of careful non-talk and Dick had suddenly been swallowed by a wave of loneliness. The only logical thing to do was going back to the manor. At least, there he would hear noises from Dami and Tim’s constant fights and Bruce cursing in the cave.

“You’re back?” Tim greeted him on top of the stairs. He wore an almost smile that made Dick perk up a bit.

“Did you talk to him?” And his good mood flew right back out the window. Damn Tim and his observant nature. Dick had no idea how Tim had come to that conclusion.

“You look-” he gestured at Dick’s everything, nose scrunched up.

“Hungover?”

“I was going to say drunk but same difference, I guess.”

“Long night.”

“Apparently.” There was no need to sound so amused. Dick was allowed to have a drink every once in a while. Although, considering his blinding headache, he would probably not do it again any time soon. 

“Can you keep B out of my room for today?”

“Sure.” Dick sighed. He could tell Tim wasn’t finished. 

“What do you want?” 

“The coffee machine.” Ah. Of course. They had refused to get a new one in order for Tim to stop staying up too late.

“I can’t do that.” He shouldn’t indulge Tim in his addiction. 

“Pity.” Tim turned and walked towards his own room. before his hand reached the handle, Dick called him back. 

“Tim!” 

“You know my price.” Oh, come on! He was the big bro here. Didn’t that count for something? 

“You’re such a-” A door fell close downstairs. Tim and Dick both froze. The footsteps coming closer belonged to Bruce. There was no mistaking them.

“Fine,” Dick relented before hurrying to his room as quietly as he could. He caught a glimpse of Tim’s satisfied smile and scolded himself for giving in so easily. He really should work on that.

But not now.

* * *

Dinner that evening was a strange affair. Everyone at the table brimmed with energy. Dick suspected, they all wanted to ask why he was back but didn’t know if they should. Tim, being his usual self, was the first to breech the subject.

“Are you gonna talk or do we have to put bugs in your room too?”

“I know, you saw him, Dick. I just want to know how he’s doing.”

“I do not care,” Damian commented, but Dick saw his jaw clench and waited him out “I have no interest in whether or not Todd has recovered from those hideous injuries.”

Translation: I care but I can’t say that out loud or it’ll haunt me forever.

Dick almost smiled at his reluctance.

“He seems okay. The injuries should have healed up by now. He still can’t move his shoulder all the way and he keeps supporting his right leg too much. But he breathes normally as far as I could tell.”

He heard Alfred exhale somewhere to his right. Bruce nodded. 

“That’s good.”

“I had an idea,” Tim suddenly spoke up. His fork was half-way to his mouth, making him look like something important had just occurred to him and had caught him mid-bite. 

“I know why you didn’t put him in his room while he was here,” he turned to Bruce “but don’t you think, he should have somewhere to go if something like this happens? We all have a room. It’d maybe show him, he is part of the family.”

“Tim-” Bruce’ voice held a sharp edge that Dick couldn’t quite understand.

He thought it would be a great idea. He remembered vividly how close Jason had come to accidentally stumbling into his old room and seeing, first hand, that none of them had ever moved on. Occasionally, Bruce would stand inside the room and just look. Dick had caught him in there, touching the books still on Jason’s desk. Nothing had changed in there. It was still the way Jason had left it the night he had been murdered. Like a momentum caught in time.

Before Dick could express his opinion on the matter, though, Damian – to all of their surprise – spoke up.

“There is no reason for Todd to not have room. The next time, he is on the verge of bleeding out, he may as well do so in his own room. I do not see why we should keep holding onto a shrine, when Todd is perfectly safe. And alive, might I add.”

“The gremlin has a point,” Tim said. He was met with four raised eyebrows and a smug grin.

“Dick,” Bruce started, eyes skipping through the room, “would you…”

“No!” Dick stepped back, hands up and gesturing wildly “No. I’m not going in there.”

He had never actually set foot inside that room since Jason’s death. He hadn’t been able to. And he certainly wouldn’t now. It still freaked him out, reminded him too much of that irrational, angry, brave kid that Jason wasn’t anymore. 

“Fine! I’ll do it!” Tim had obviously had it with them. Dick knew, he understood why both Bruce and he himself had a problem with putting Jason’s old clothes away.

Old sins, long shadows and all that.

But he hadn’t known Jason before. It wasn’t as hard for him. To Tim, those were just clothes. To Bruce and Dick, those were Jason’s clothes. The ones he had never gotten to wear again. 

“I will assist you, Master Drake,” Alfred’s voice came out of nowhere and made all four of them whirl around. 

“Alfred-” Bruce started to intervene, but was shushed almost immediately. 

“If Master Jason is to come back, I want him to have a space for himself. Holding on to the past is – as Master Damian so eloquently put it – quite ridiculous.”

“Don’t throw them out,” Bruce said while refusing to look at any of them.

“I would not dare, Master Bruce.” Alfred turned around, probably to get dessert. He stopped in the doorframe.

“I think, the attic still has some empty space left. If I remember correctly, Master Richard’s old costume is still there.”

Dick flushed violently when he remembered just how sparkly that one had been. A bit of a fashion faux-pas, he had to admit. Still, he had looked glorious in that suit.

* * *

The invitation had come from Alfred. Of course. Because those bastards knew damn well that Jason could never say no to Alfred. And, to be honest, home-cooked dinner sounded delicious.

He was a little suspicious of the reason for an impromptu-family dinner, which only increased when Tim was the one to greet him at the door. No sight of either Dick or Bruce.

Hm.

_Odd._

“So, you here to keep me company or to keep me from wreaking havoc in the cave?” he asked, once it became clear that Tim wouldn’t leave him alone. 

“You’re underestimating me, it seems.” He wouldn’t dare. Not after getting his ass kicked that one time. The kid was more than capable, Jason was well aware. 

“Hu?”

“What makes you think, I can’t do both?” He surely could. No doubt about it. Didn’t mean Jason was going to make it any easier for him. 

“Oh, the babybird grew up,” God, how he loved teasing Tim. It made all of this feel a little more normal and a little less weird.

“You know I hate that name…” Tim mumbled but there was a crinkle to his eyes that betrayed his words. 

“But it fits so well.” Jason reached out to ruffle his hair, delighted that he still could. Despite his age, Tim was and would probably always be short. It was a little deceiving, Jason often thought, how fragile Tim looked.

“Actually, wouldn’t that be Damian? Since he’s the baby in this family…” Heavy, heavy sarcasm, Jason thought to himself. Not that he blamed Tim. Sarcasm was, after all, home ground. 

“Nope. I’ll stick with demon spawn for that one.” They shared a grin. Mutual annoyance about Damian was always a great way to bond. 

Out of nowhere, Tim changed the topic to something a lot less light-hearted.

“How’re things with Dick?” Jason’s insides immediately tensed up.

“I don’t know.”

“You don’t know?”

“It’s- tense…” Tim nodded, like he knew what Jason meant even though, _Jason_ didn’t know what he meant.

“Did you guys talk?” he got the feeling Tim knew the answer to that but was asking with a goal in mind.

“Yeah.”

“And?” He wasn’t surprised at Tim’s blatant questioning. The bats had no sense of privacy. Himself included. 

“And it’s complicated.” Tim rolled his eyes.

“It’s always complicated.”

“Not like this.” He doubted anyone else had ever had to deal with a situation this fucked up. 

“Maybe not. But complicated nonetheless,” Jason couldn’t shake off the feeling that Tim spoke from experience, “You just have to communicate with each other.”

Easier said than done. Communication had never been his forte.

“It’s not- look, I know we have to talk in order for this to work but I keep thinking that, if I do, I’m gonna ruin the whole thing.” He had no idea why he was telling Tim this, or why it felt good to share. 

“Why?” 

“Because he didn’t believe me!” The words rumbled out of him before he could stop them. His issues suddenly in the spotlight, he felt incredibly insecure.

“No need to yell.” Fair enough.

“He didn’t believe me,” he said more quietly “and a part of me can’t move past that. Not because I don’t understand his reasons but because…”

When words left him, Tim jumped in “because you’re afraid it’ll happen again.”

“Yeah.” There it was. The crux of the issue. 

“Well, I can’t speak for Dick.”

Obviously. 

“But I can show you something.”

_What?_

He motioned for Jason to follow. They reached the top of the stairs, sharp turn left and then they were standing in, what Jason supposed was, Tim’s room.

“Don’t tell them, I showed you,” Tim sat down at a large office desk Jason secretly admired, “I mean it.”

“Why?”

“Because I’m not even supposed to have it.” That didn’t sound promising, rather illegal and like a breach of privacy. 

“Tim-”

“Just watch.”

Jason did. Not even two second into the recording, he not only realised what exactly they were watching but he also really needed to sit down.

Dick bawling his eyes out after Jason had left the cave. 

Damian putting Dick on his back over and over again without Dick even moving to defend himself.

His heart did weird tumble when Dick yelled at Bruce that they were wrong. He didn’t want to hope just yet, but somehow, things were put a little more into perspective for him.

“I’m not showing you so that you forgive us.” 

“I know.” Tim wouldn’t, of that, Jason was sure. He understood, probably too well, what being on Bruce’s bad side was like. How crushing it could be to be dismissed like that, thrown aside. Tim, out of everybody, was most similar to Jason in that regard. The golden boy and the blood son would never know just how irrevocably damaging that was. 

“He wasn’t the same after, you know? Even before-”

“Before what?” 

“Before Roy came to talk to us.” 

“Roy did what?!” Why didn’t he know that? Why hasn’t anyone told him that? For fuck’s sake, he was almost living with the guy. Roy had brought him lunch yesterday and hadn’t felt it necessary to mention, he had talked to Dick?

“He came to talk to us.”

“That- bastard!” They were going to have words. Loud ones. Probably drawn guns too. Although, now that he thought about it, this issue didn’t warrant guns. Words, though, for sure. 

“You hadn’t been home. He was worried.”

“That doesn’t give him the right-” 

“No. But you would have done the same thing,” Tim almost smiled at that “we both know, you would have.” Roy must have worried, it occurred to Jason. It wasn’t like him to stick his nose in where it didn’t belong. Now, he felt bad. He hadn’t meant to worry Roy. He hadn’t even thought about it.

But it made sense, considering how utterly wrecked his apartment had been after his episode. He was still not done with the clean-up. If Roy had seen that, he probably had put it together quickly. 

“He seems like a good friend.” There was something in that sentence that Jason couldn’t quite decipher. Curiosity, maybe?

Tim powered on before Jason could figure it out. 

“Dick wasn’t doing well, even before. None of us were.”

“Tim-” He didn’t want to hear that. He didn’t want to have sympathy for any of them. Not after what it did to him, when his pain had been so much bigger than theirs. Maybe that was childish.

“No. I need to apologise too. I know, Dick did already. But I haven’t. And I want to.” Tim didn’t let Jason stop him, even though, he did his best. He didn’t need an apology from Tim. It didn’t matter anyway. 

“I’m sorry. I should have believed you.”

“It’s okay,” he said, but sounded strangled even to his own ears. Tim’s smile was sad too. 

“No. But we’ll get there.” He hoped, they would. He had grown rather fond of Tim.

“Sure thing, babybird- now, why don’t you play the rest of that recording?” Anything to get that conversation out of emotional-territory. 

Tim pressed play and leaned back in a faux-relaxed pose. Jason saw his jaw clench twice from the corner of his eyes. Suddenly, it dawned on him what the rest of the tape would include. He tried to stop it when Dick ran to the door of the cave, ripped it open and stared.

At Jason.

Because this was the day-

This was the day, he had-

“I didn’t know if I should even show you that,” Tim whispered, “but you have to see their- our reaction.”

“Why?” he felt the bile rising in his throat and his heart pump fast in his chest. 

“I don’t know how else to make you understand what you mean to us. To him.”

“Dick?”

“And B.”

“Tim, don’t-”

“Just watch. Please. If it doesn’t change anything then so be it, but you have to see- you have to listen.”

“Fine,” he ground out and braced himself.

* * *

“Shut it off,” Jason said after watching what had felt like an eternity. He couldn’t see any more of this.

“But you see- right? You see it?”

“I- I don’t know-”

“Jason…”

“No- just- I do, okay? I get it. But it’s not- I don’t know what to do with that…”

“Nothing. You’re not supposed to anything with it.” 

“But-” But he felt like he was. Like Tim expected something from him.

“Just let it settle a bit, alright?”

“Okay.”

“Come on, we should join the others.” Tim stood, walked towards the door.

Jason barely caught him mumble “I thought, maybe it would make you feel better…”

“Tim-” The kid turned, not fast enough to hide his disappointment. 

“Thanks.” It had made him feel better. At least a little. To see Bruce and Dick both admit they were wrong was always good. But what had pulled at his heartstrings was the way all of them had reacted when he had collapsed. That was a strong reaction for people Jason had thought didn’t care about him. Hope spread through him and this time, he didn’t fight it.

“I’m starving,” he said while following Tim out of the room. On the stairs, Tim turned to him, a curious look on his face.

“I actually thought- you and Roy…” He could tell by the slight blush dusting Tim’s cheeks that the kid felt like overstepping. Which he wasn’t, at least in Jason’s opinion.

“Nah. We’re friends, that’s all.” Tim nodded, a smile tugging at the corner of his lips. At least, Jason thought, they could be okay. He leaned in conspiratorially.

“Don’t tell Dick, but I never saw his appeal for redheads.” Tim’s responding snort was worth it.

“You’re sure?”

“Yeah, why?” He didn’t particularly like Tim’s tone. It sounded way too cheerful and thus, quite suspicious.

“Because I read Bruce’ personal files on you.” Of course, he did. If one of Bruce’s kids had inherited his nosiness, it was definitely Tim.

“So?” The grin that followed his question was so big, it almost scared Jason. The cat that got the canary. And Jason had the fleeting suspicion, that in this case, he was the canary. 

“Aren’t you a natural redhead too?”

Bruce had that in his files? You know what? Jason shouldn’t be surprised. Not when the man was the epitome of paranoid helicopter parent.

Still, this wasn’t public knowledge and he had to make sure, it stayed that way. So, he leaned down, putting it on thick and snarled. “If you ever tell anyone that-”

“You’ll have my head on a spike, yadda yadda.” Tim kept on grinning, “don’t worry.”

Jason was about to relax a fraction, when Tim looked over his shoulder, grin firmly in place and said: “Besides, It’s not like Dick won’t find out sooner or later anyway.”

Before Jason could ask what the hell he was on about, Tim gestured, rather crudely, towards Jason’s lower body, watched realisation dawn and promptly skipped down the stairs. Jason instantly felt his cheeks burn with the implication.

That little bastard.

“You comin’?” Jason hurried down the stairs after Tim.

Far be it from him to keep Tim from dinner.

* * *

“Look, I appreciate the dinner. I do. And it’s been really lovely but can one of you please, for god’s sake, just spit out what the hell is going on?!”

Maybe he could have worded that one better. Judging by the falling expressions of both Dick and Bruce, he had might have just ruined dinner.

Great. 

In his defence, the whole batclan had been behaving oddly ever since he entered the dining room. Dick, out of all people, kept his distance, didn’t even talk to him. And when Dick turned to greet him, Damian cleared his throat like Dick wasn’t supposed to. Then Bruce had not asked him one question about either his injuries or anything else. That freaked him out so much, he deliberately taunted Damian twice, just to check, and didn’t get more than an eyeroll out of him.

On a scale of one to ten, his nerves were about 230, a few more give or take.

He had watched the others exchange glances and that had been his breaking point. So, as per usual, he spat out the first thing that had come to mind. 

Dick didn’t seem to take offense though. He chewed on his lip, looked at Bruce then at Jason, back at Bruce.

“We wanted to wait until after dinner.” 

“For what?” He could practically hear his hairs rising. Anxiety flooded his stomach. It didn’t work well with the potatoes, apparently.

“We- uhm…” Dick trailed off, scratched his head. Jason’s fingers itched to his hidden knife. He knew, rationally, that this situation didn’t warrant it, but the impulse to whip it out was undeniably there.

“If someone doesn’t tell me right the fuck now, I’m-”

“Master Jason!” Alfred reprimanded at him out of nowhere, “It is nothing bad, I promise.”

He leaned back again, body relaxing a fraction.

“It can wait until you have finished your dinner.” With that, Alfred disappeared back into the shadows and the entire table seemed to breathe in.

Dinner didn’t take long after that. Jason barely touched his dessert, despite it looking delicious. His stomach wouldn’t allow it.

“We want to show you something,” Tim spoke up and motioned for Jason to follow. He had no idea where they were going until they stopped right in front of a door. The thing was, it wasn’t just any door. It was the door to his old room.

“That’s-” he croaked, suddenly unsure if he really wanted to know what was in there. Too many memories popped up.

“I held onto it,” Bruce stepped forward, “all of it. But we thought, maybe you’d want a room here too?”

“What do you mean you held onto it?”

“I kept the room-” Bruce breathed in shakily “I kept it like it was- like you left it.”

The pain that washed over him had the force of a tidal wave.

“I couldn’t- get rid of it.”

“Why not?”

“It was the only thing left.”

“Of me.”

“Yes.”

“And now?”

“Alfred and Tim packed it up. It’s- your old clothes are with Dick’s old suit in the attic. We kept the books.”

His books. He had loved those books. They had helped him escape when things had gotten too heavy to bear. 

“I thought you might want to read them again…”

“It’s yours,” Dick whispered from his left, “so you can stay here too if you want.”

“Go on,” Tim said “open it.”

His fingers clenched around nothing. He didn’t know what held him back, why he couldn’t bring himself to do it. Bruce saw him struggle, stepped forward.

“You’ll always have a place here,” he said softly “I promised that once, remember?”

Jason nodded, eyes glued to the door, which was still closed. 

“I stand by that.” 

The door swung open. Jason held his breath. It looked- well different. But good different. He immediately searched for his books, breathed out once he saw them. The wallpaper, the desk it was still the same. He didn’t know why that felt good, why it didn’t hurt, but he was glad.

“Thank you,” he whispered to no one in particular, hoping they heard him. He didn’t want to disrupt the peace that was present in this – his – room by talking too loudly. Tears prickled in the corners of his eyes, made him bite down hard on his lip as to not make them fall.

“Now, I don’t do well with emotions and all that so, if you’ll excuse me…” He couldn’t deal right now. And it seemed like they didn’t expect him to. One after one, they left the room, Dick being the last.

“Say goodbye when you leave?” he asked softly, a small smile on his face like he knew.

_He knew that they had made him happy._

* * *

Once more, Jason was woken up by his phone ringing. He didn’t even look at the display, just picked up.

“You utter asshole!” He had to hold the phone away from his ear because the volume made his head hurt.

Huh.

“Roy?!” Who would have thought Roy could reach such a high note while screeching like a goddamn harpy? 

“Yes! Who else is gonna call?” 

“Shit!” It dawned on him, rather late, that he had completely forgotten to call Roy to let him know he was alive. 

“Shit is right!” he heard Roy breathe in and prepared himself for the explosion that was sure to come.

“You could have called! You could have let me know you’re alive! For fuck’s sake man! Last I heard, you were missing! Do you have any idea how fucking scared I was? Your safehouse was trashed! You didn’t pick up the phone!”

“Roy-”

“I am not done!” 

“Sorry.” God, he felt awful. 

“Oh! You’ll be sorry once I whoop your ass! I had to go the bats for help! And you don’t even call? Fuck!” 

“I was-”

“What? You were what, Jay?!” The shrill tone was back. Jason had no idea what to say. 

“Overwhelmed.” 

“That’s not an excuse!” 

“I know! I’m sorry! I just- I only heard you talked to them yesterday. I didn’t even know you were back.”

“What do you- oh for fuck’s sake. I’ll never help Dick with anything ever again if this is how he repays me!”

“I’m really sorry.”

“Look,” a long drawn-in sigh, “I’m not tryin’ to make you feel bad. I just- I saw the damage. I thought, something happened, man.”

Roy evidently got suspicious when Jason didn’t answer. 

“Nothing happened, right? You’re fine.”

“I’m fine now,” Jason decided to lead with. He ignored the sharp intake of breath on the other end of the line.

“Made a stupid mistake. Barged in there and got knocked out.”

“Jay-”

“I know! I know, okay? You were right. I was angry and it almost cost me my head.”

“What happened?”

“What do you think.”

“Torture.”

“Yep. Brought out all the stops. Apparently, the Duke isn’t into being betrayed.” He chuckled but it lacked humour. 

“How bad?”

“Bad.”

“How bad, Jay.” There was a difference in intonation. This time, Roy wasn’t asking. He was demanding. And Jason obliged. 

“Almost didn’t make it. They dropped me off at the cave to send some weird message or something. Dick opened the door. Caught me.”

“Caught you?”

“Yeah. Heart stopped for a minute. Didn’t wake up until two days later.” He could almost hear Roy's anger. It was blatantly obvious by the way he was breathing.

“Jay…”

“I’m fine. Few more scars but nothing serious.” If he told himself that enough times, surely, one would stick, right? 

“You call that nothing serious?!”

“No. But I can’t call it anything else or it’ll- it’ll hurt…”

“You’re safe now? They can’t get to you?”

“Yeah. I’m with the bats right now, so…” He left that sentence unfinished on purpose. 

“I won’t ask now because I don’t think we should do this over the phone. But I’m gonna ask. One day.”

“I’ll answer. Promise.” Just before Jason wanted to say goodbye and hang up, Roy spoke up again.

“You still plan on taking them down?” 

“Sure.” Of course. He would not get that bastard get away with it and think he had won. Now it was personal. 

“I might have some relevant information on that.”

“Send it to me.”

“Oh no, buddy. I’ll come over.”

“What?”

“I’ll come over. I’m involved too. And after your last fuck-up, I won’t trust you guys not to screw it this time around. So, either you tell your family, I’m working with them or I’ll work against them. Your choice.”

“Fine.”

“Oh, and Jay-”

“Hm?”

“If you ever do that again, there won’t be something left of you to stitch back together.”

“Understood.”

“I’m glad you’re alright," Roy said softly. Jason didn't know if he was even supposed to have heard that but he answered nonetheless. 

“You too.”

* * *

Roy arrived with an arsenal of weapons in his bag and more attitude than Jason had ever seen him carry. Bruce didn’t seem all too happy to work with him but one raised brow from Alfred and he shrugged it off.

The plan, it seemed, was simple enough. 

Apparently, the Duke knew Jason had made it and was now plotting against all of them. That didn’t leave them much time to come up with a game plan. Tim called it something along the lines of “a matter of who strikes first” and Jason agreed. They were just about to suit up, when Bruce stomped into the cave, wrapped up in that hideous cape of his.

Dick broke out in hysteric laughter and had Roy join him not a second later. Bruce scoffed and asked Tim to assist him. It looked ridiculous. That tall, bulky man, defeated by a cape of all things. Jason was tempted to snap a photo and post it on social media.

“Remind me to work on that,” Bruce huffed once Tim had finally managed to cut him loose. Jason saw Tim hide his smile behind his hand.

He just couldn’t help himself.

“Yeah, well, how about if you don’t want to get tangled in that cape- that doesn’t do one thing for you in combat might I add- you don’t dress up as a giant bat that can’t even fly?” The words were out before he could think them through all the way. The room fell into dead silence for a minute, before Bruce chuckled softly and nodded.

“You used to tell me that all the time, remember?”

“Yeah.” Jason’s throat clogged up, his chest felt tight. He didn’t think Bruce would remember that – would remember _him_.   
  


* * *

All in all, it went pretty well. Jason didn’t get shot. And neither did anyone else on their side.

Roy had saved the day because the Duke apparently, hadn’t had him on his radar. So, he snuck into the building, knocked out two henchmen before letting in the bats and Jason through a window on the first floor.

Jason itched to get his hands on the man who had tortured him. Repaying the favour had always been his expertise. They ran through the building, headquarters, which Jason had never seen before. So much for trusting your business partners.

He was about to dash around another corner when Bruce hauled him back. Dick motioned for him to be quiet when he opened his mouth to protest. He peeked around the corner and saw a group of ten men guarding a door. Well, way to make it obvious.

“They knew we were coming,” Tim signed at them. 

“Tt-tt. Obviously,” Damian signed back. Jason couldn’t see his eyes behind the domino but he knew, for a fact, there had been an eyeroll to accompany his words.

They went in as a group but quickly split up to take down the henchmen one by one. Soon, Jason found himself backed up by Dick. His ribs were still sore, so, he appreciated the support. Dick grinned at him before delivering a viscous high kick right into the jaw of one of the guys. Jason followed it up with a hit to his knees that made the guy fall over.

They manged to move around each other like an old dance. Jason’s strength balanced by Dick’s quick reflexes. Jason realised, while using the pause Dick’s upper cut had given them, that he had missed this.

Fighting with Dick and not against him, having all that deadly precision at his side, it made the adrenaline rush through him with renewed speed.

He heard a noise, just then and whirled around.

Of fucking course.

It just had to go to shit. 

The Duke was standing in the doorway, and he was holding not one gun but two. From his left, Jason heard Tim curse. Damian growled somewhere to his right but didn’t move.

In the split second everybody needed to realise what was happening, Jason pulled his own gun and saw Roy do the same. Damian’s grip around his swords hardened to the point where Jason could see his gloves stretch. Dick was in his fighting stance, eyes never leaving the Duke. 

“I’d say I’m surprised to see you up and walking, but that would be a lie.”

Jason scoffed “Well, maybe you have to check your staff! Didn’t do a thorough job!” 

Jason saw Bruce’ head twitch in his direction, like he wanted to reprimand him but knew he couldn’t.

“I could kill you right now, you know? I’m an excellent shot.” 

“Go ahead. Let’s see if you can before I reach you and rip your head off your shoulders!” Jason opened his arms invitingly. He had had it up to here with the guy. If he thought, he could threaten him, he was in for a rough awakening.

“Tempting. It really sounds inviting. However, I’m afraid, you’re just not important enough for me to waste a bullet for.”

“Fine by me!” he yelled back while his brain was racing. If he didn’t want to shoot Jason, what was his goal? 

“You see, I don’t particularly fancy meeting my maker just now.”

Oh no. It all became clear just now what the Duke wanted.

Jason looked at Roy. He knew, he had figured it out too.

“If I drop my guns, I will be unarmed. By your own law, you will bring me to the GCPD but you will not kill me.”

Before anyone could say something, Jason stepped forward, gun at the ready and aimed at the Duke.

“Do I look like I give a shit? I don’t care about the law! I care about justice, asshole!”

“Hood-”

“No! He’s selling kids! He tortured me! I won’t have him send to Arkham just for him to escape again!” 

“It was just a trade. I didn’t harm them myself.” The guy was obviously trying not to implicate himself any further. Too bad, it didn’t work.

“Hood- lower your gun,” Bruce spoke with his batman voice but not because he was wearing the cowl but because he hoped to ring through to Jason.

“Now!”

“You know what? Fine. Have it your way! Always your way!” He turned around, ready to stomp away, when he heard a metallic click behind him.

“Dodge!” Dick suddenly yelled. Jason dropped to down, head low. He had no idea what was even happening before shots rained down on them. He dove for cover, found it behind an alcove and saw that the Duke had four new henchmen in the room with him.

That bastard!

Distraction. That was all it was. And they had bought it like absolute amateurs. Jason cursed, flung himself forward. He connected hard with one of the guys, knocked the gun right out of his hands. His fist hurt when he drew back and delivered a viscous hit to the guy’s jaw.

“Hood!” Damian’s voice rang through. He saw the kid run towards him, one of the henchmen hot on his heels. Jason let them come close, jumped up when Damian fell to his knees. Like a well-practised manoeuvre, Jason’s kick landed right in the guy’s chest, while Damian slid through under him. They shared a look of mutual respect and went back to fighting.

Jason heard a shout of pain from Dick. He whipped around, saw the Duke kick at Dick’s leg. Dick went down, tried to roll away, when the Duke pulled the gun on him.

Before he could shoot though, his head suddenly tipped back. The wall behind him was splattered with blood.

Jason looked over his shoulder. He knew only one person a shot like that could have come from. And he was right. Roy was still aiming when their eyes met.

“Holy fuck,” Jason breathed. Roy let his gun sink then, shrugged. 

“Thank you,” Dick yelled at him from the ground. He sounded a little hysteric. Jason waited until Roy nodded at him, signalled he was alright, before making it over to Dick to check if he was okay. It turned out, nothing vital had happened. Dick’s leg would bruise but it wasn’t broken.

All in all, Jason could only reiterate, that this one had been a success.

* * *

Dick knew the second the Duke fell to the ground that Bruce would have Roy’s head. He still felt the shock of a near close-call in his bones and held onto Jason while he was being pulled up. A sigh of relief escaped him when he realised, he could stand on his own.

Meanwhile, Bruce was already half-way into his tirade. Until Roy held up a hand to stop him. Dick prepared himself for the lecture of the century and silently wished Roy good luck. But Bruce, despite obviously still searing with anger, seemed to actually listen for once.

“Listen man, I know this didn’t go according to your policy but I’m gonna be honest. I don’t care. This asshole killed and trafficked kids. _Children_. Not older than ten. He was about to shoot Dick. I don’t give a fuck if he’s keeling over or can never walk again. The opposite really. If I didn’t respect your claim on the city, I would have shot him straight in the head the second he walked out of here with those guns in his hands. And I woudn’t have batted an eye about it. So, you can keep your sermon to yourself and just be happy it’s done with and you didn’t even have to get your hands dirty.”

Everyone in the room held their breath. If Bruce took that the wrong way, Roy could end up behind bars too. Dick almost wanted to step forward and try to deescalate, when Bruce nodded once – an abrupt little thing – turned heel and left without another word. Roy visibly breathed out. He looked over his shoulder and winked at Jason.

“Told ya’, man.”

Jason rolled his eyes but once Roy turned his back to him, a genuine smile tugged at his lips. Dick only saw it because, unlike the rest of them, he had already been watching Jason. He didn’t know why it hit him so hard just then. But Jason was beautiful.

That smile, Dick wanted to freeze time for. It made Jason look his age, made him younger and his features soften. He wondered, with a tinge of sadness, if Jason could ever smile for him like that again. He had, in the past, once or twice.

But maybe not anymore.

“What’s gotten into you?” Dick startled badly when Jason touched his shoulder. He noticed the lopsided grin on Jason’s face that quickly dropped when Dick didn’t answer. His eyes did that concerned thing where they swept down his body, quickly checking for injuries that weren’t there. 

“Nothing.” He hadn’t meant to take away that moment of victory from Jason. Especially, not after what that asshole had done to him. 

“We said no bullshit, remember?” God, he sounded almost shy. Dick wanted to run. He just wasn’t sure if away or towards.

“You’re beautiful.” The second, the words were out of his mouth, Dick could have hit himself. Of all the things. _Fuck_. He shouldn’t have said that. What if Jason wasn’t ready? He really shouldn’t have said that.

“What?” Dick noticed the highpoints of Jason’s cheeks slowly turning cherry. His heart did a nervous flutter.

Right then and there, he decided: to hell with it.

He had thought it, he had said and he would say it again. It was true, after all. Jason was beautiful and he deserved to be told every day.

With a little more conviction, he repeated “You’re beautiful. When you smile. I- I like it.”

“Oh,” Dick wanted, so badly, to believe that Jason’s blush meant something good. That he hadn’t ruined things again.

“You too.”

“What?” Now he was the one with his mouth open and his cheeks burning. 

“You too,” Jason repeated, still not looking at Dick. There was a sweet ache in his chest that Dick hadn’t felt in a long time.

“Jay?”

Jason made some harrumphing sound but refused to lift his head. Dick, despite wanting to kiss Jason senseless more than probably anything else in the world, stepped back. This was progress and he wasn’t about to push where he had no business pushing at.

Before he could turn away though, Jason grabbed his hand and held him back. He barely had time to prepare himself for impact when Jason roughly pulled him in. Their lips smashed together so hard, Dick tasted blood in his mouth.

Not that he cared.

Jason’s big hands closed around his smaller ones, held onto them.

Dick felt fragile in his hands, like a bird with broken wings.

And yet, it was the most elevating feeling in the world.

**Author's Note:**

> I would love to hear your thoughts and ideas about this story in the comments. Feel free to let me know, if you like it, if there is something you suspect will happen or anything else that comes to mind. 
> 
> If you want to leave kudos, it is much appreciated.


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